Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Only Fifteen??

Rules: Don't take too long to think about it. Fifteen books you've read that will always stick with you. First fifteen you can recall in no more than 15 minutes. (Seriously, it only took like 15 seconds...)

These are in the order they came to me, not a ranking.
  1. Living Without Regret
  2. Tao of Equus
  3. The Horse Boy
  4. Prayers that Bring Miracles
  5. Think and Grow Rich
  6. Willpower is Not Enough
  7. The Freedom Factor
  8. Founding Fathers on Leadership (I also liked Martin Luther King Jr. on Leadership and Lincoln on Leadership, but Founding Fathers was my favorite.)
  9. Bonds that Make us Free
  10. Leadership and Self-Deception
  11. Launching a Leadership Revolution
  12. I Had Trouble in Getting to Solla-Sollew
  13. Intuitive Eating
  14. The Giver
  15. It's Not About the Horse
  16. Waking the Tiger
I tried to limit it to fifteen... I just couldn't... But I was close. :)
Although there are several others that are wandering around in my brain and want my attention...
  1. Feel the Fear and Do It Anyways
  2. The Four Agreements
  3. Shame and Grace
  4. Stroke of Insight
  5. Book of Heroes
  6. I feel like I should put the Bible and the Book of Mormon...
  7. You are Special
  8. The Sexual Healing Journey
  9. Lord of the Flies (It will stick with me forever, even though I sure wish it wouldn't!)
  10. Calico Captive (The first historical fiction book I ever read. I loved it back then!!)
  11. The Devil's Arithmetic (This book got me hooked on learning about WWII)
  12. The Lottery Rose
  13. Courage to Heal
  14. The Great Brain books
  15. The Work and the Glory books
  16. Harry Potter books
  17. Five Love Languages (and Five Languages of Apology)
  18. The Future Diary
  19. Power of Passion (a story about climbing Mount Everest)
  20. Screwtape Letters
  21. Hope for the Flowers
  22. Terry Fox: His story
That's all... for now...

Monday, March 29, 2010

What a great day!

65 degrees...horses...deer...baby elk
good talks...great company...good food
great views
running through the mountains

Seriously... a great day!

I could get used to this

Sunday... instead of church...
World Championship Chariot Races

22.41 seconds... quarter mile race... horses running ALL OUT
people winning or losing a lot of money
(depending who wins)
...so cool!!!

Sunday, March 28, 2010


horses... I love being with them. Watching them. Riding them. Learning about them.
being outdoors... mountains. valleys. neighborhoods. parks. beaches. lakes. streams. deserts. sunsets. sunrises. rain. snow. sunshine. wind. all of it.
walking... feeling my body move. seeing new things. hearing new sounds. thinking uninterrupted. the smell of others' laundry drying.
heart-to-heart talks...
my cat... she cuddles up and i feel loved without fear
exploring... learning new things. trying new skills. seeing new places. asking questions. pushing boundaries, even my own. reading about everything.
puddles... splashing in them. watching others splash them. cars splashing. the sound of the horses feet splashing in them.
jewelry... matching it with my wardrobe. finding cool new things. wearing it.
laughing... funny movies. inside jokes. sarcasm. cleverness.
diet coke with limes in it. caffeine-free variety, 'cause i don't like the shakiness.
salmon tacos.
barbacoa salads.
pizza factory breadsticks.
samoas cookies.
girl scout cookie thin mint ice cream. the REAL stuff! NOT the slow-churned variety.
popcorn popped in the stir-crazy popper.
new boxes of cereal.
smell of clean clothes.
hugs from good friends.
starting new projects.
music... playing it. listening to it. writing it. singing it. dancing to it.
getting warm... warm blankets. sticking my feet in the warm oven. standing by a campfire.
writing... my blog. journals. stories. thoughts.
art... drawing. photographing. designing. being messy and imperfect about it.
fresh fruit... strawberries. peaches. pineapple. crisp apples.
prayers... seeing the answers. the miracles. finding understanding.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Sarah Shelf Sitter

So, I was looking for a doll to use with my (overly depressing) analogy...

And I found this one.

While I didn't really think she fit what I was trying to portray, I couldn't help but LOVE her!!!

She can be purchased online here.

Seriously... I love her!

The doll

She sits on the shelf in her pretty dress with a smile on her face.

Sometimes he takes her down and plays with her. He takes her with him when he goes in the mountains or to the horses. She loves that. It makes her so happy. At the end of the day, he always puts her back on her shelf.

Sometimes he takes her down and takes her to softball games or puts her next to him while he watches TV. She would like more, but she is grateful she is no longer on the shelf.

Others occasionally take her down, play with her, talk to her, ask her to play the piano or help them, and she is glad she is loved.

She hates sitting on the shelf. She wants nothing more than to climb down. By herself.

Be like the people she sees.

No matter how hard she tries, she can't. So she waits. And waits.
For someone else to love her.

She worries that the day will come when everyone forgets, and she stays on the shelf forever.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Getting Political

People say President Obama is making history today. Some people say this change has needed to come for so long. Some people are saying this is the end of the constitution.

I don't know enough to really form an opinion. I don't like the idea of the government taking control of anything more than is absolutely necessary.

Social Security has helped a lot of people. Still, there isn't money to continue making the social security payments they have been making... So, now the government is going to try to give everyone healthcare? It just sounds fishy to me.

I happen to be one of the people that can't get insurance under the current system. I have been "uninsurable" for most of my life. There was a short period of time that I could get private insurance. They asked for $800/month, and they didn't cover the few expenses I had. It wasn't worth paying for, so we canceled it. Since then, I have been denied insurance again.

Both Dann and I work for small companies that won't (or can't) pay for insurance.
President Obama thinks he can take care of me. At what cost? Will it really help me? If they require me to buy health insurance, but don't change the exploitative nature of the health insurance companies, that will only hurt me and help the big corporations.

I love the idea of everyone helping everyone. I love the idea of all of us taking care of each other. I love the idea of everyone giving what they can (which means that some will have more to give than others). I hate the idea of forcing people to do anything. I hate the idea of anyone telling me I have to take care of others. I hate the idea of anyone telling others they have to take care of me.

Have we become so stupid, so selfish, so lost that we require the government to tell us how to take care of ourselves and everyone else?

I would like to read the bill. I would like to know what changes will really be happening. I would like to know how this will really effect people like me. People like my CFC friends. People like the consumers at CUCIL. People like my parents and grandparents. The people in control of the government today. The people who will take control in the future.

Since the thing is more than a thousand pages of legal-sounding-mumbo-jumbo, I doubt I will ever take the time. I guess I will just wait and see how it is going to effect me and everyone else.

Friday, March 19, 2010

You aren't going to actually teach that shit are you?

Poor BJ, teaches the 12-year-old boys at church. He was trying to figure out how to teach the lesson on Sunday... Its title? Spirituality, but what it says... pisses me off. BJ just wanted to know how he could teach this without completely decimating Parker (a young man with an eating disorder).
"The intent of this lesson is to help each young man understand that part of spirituality is maintaining a proper relationship between the spirit and the body."
(A proper relationship?? Try a fucked up relationship... but whatever...)

This quiz should lead the young men from obvious to more reflective thought about their self-control.

Can you make your body walk?
Can you make your body laugh or cry anytime you want to?
Can you make your body get out of bed early in the morning?
Can you make your body go without food and drink for at least two meals?
AT LEAST TWO MEALS?!? Are you kidding me? BJ, if you say that to Parker, or any of those boys, I might hunt you down...
Can you make your body kneel to pray and read the scriptures daily?
Can you keep your body from reacting to evil thoughts?
Whose definition of evil? I am pretty DAMN sure I have spent my life trying to not be evil, and really?!? At this point, I think I would prefer to be evil than to be what I have been...
Can you make your body respond properly to anger, greed, hate, jealousy, envy, and pride?
So, what is proper? I was taught not to show those emotions EVER. By the people at church, and by my parents who went to church... Seriously. GAH!
President David O. McKay defined spirituality as “the consciousness of victory over self, and of communion with the Infinite” (Gospel Ideals [Salt Lake City: Improvement Era, 1953], p. 390).

Spirituality is our spirit directing our flesh, under the guidance of the Holy Ghost.
I'll accept this definition...

“If the spirit yields to the body, the Devil then has power to overcome the body and spirit of that man, and he loses both.
Recollect … every one of you, that when evil is suggested to you, when it arises in your hearts, it is through the [body]. When you are tempted, buffeted, and step out of the way … ; when you are overtaken in a fault, or commit an overt act unthinkingly; when you are full of evil passion, and wish to yield to it, then stop and let the spirit, which God has put into your [bodies], take the lead. If you do that, I will promise that you will overcome all evil, and obtain eternal lives. But many, very many, let the spirit yield to the body, and are overcome and destroyed” (Discourses of Brigham Young, comp. John A. Widtsoe [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1954], p. 70).

I'd like to point out that any time we feel the spirit, it is also in the body... I know, whoda thunk it?? The body IS useful for something.
  • What can you do to help your spirit gain more control over your body?
  • Why is it important to seek the Lord’s help in gaining this control?
  • How has the Lord helped you gain better control over the flesh?
I don't like these questions. And this whole quote? Sounds like shit to me... Sounds like a stupid man that doesn't understand the body or the spirit or anything... But thinks he does... and we listen to this crap??

Maybe when I have calmed down, I will write something less angry, but poignant... so someone will stop teaching this crap!!!!

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Even those that are really deep.

Celebrating a friend's birthday. Eating at Tucano's. Who would be in line behind us?

Richard G. Scott

The man whose talks on abuse have been like my bible... The man whose words I have lived by whenever things have been too hard to think... One of the few men in leadership of the church that I believe understands what I am going through, and who I trust... One of the few people on BJ's list of approved people for me to listen to...

As soon as I saw him, I started to cry. I gave him my best radiant smile through the tears... And I sat down. I told Dann who he was. I sat at the table, shaking, crying, trying to look okay, but I just wanted to talk to him.

I wasn't sure what to say. I knew I wouldn't really have a chance to talk, but I wanted him to know how grateful I was.

Other people started noticing it was him. Several others went and took pictures with him. I didn't want to be obnoxious like that. Chris and Emily went and talked to him. Kyle and Karli went and talked to him. Dann and Jen sat there...

Until suddenly Jen was walking towards him. Dann followed me, and just as I was about to chicken out, Dann smiled at him and caught his attention. "This is my wife, and she would like to talk to you for a second."

I just wanted to thank you for your talks on abuse. They have really helped me.

He smiled, he has very kind eyes, and said, "The amazing thing about the atonement is that it truly will heal EVERY scar. Even those that are really deep. Trust that."

At this point, I was no longer breathing. Eyes were too teary to see. He smiled again, touched my hand, and moved on. Dann and I left the restaurant, and I sobbed. The sobs that come from deep inside. Dann asked what I was thinking.

I don't know. No thoughts. Just deep emotions. Very deep. Hurts. Fears.


It was amazing that HE was there. Not any of the others that I don't really care about. Just him. At Tucano's... Which is not a place we would go to normally... I am glad I stepped out of my comfort zone. I am glad I talked to him. Not something I would have done before:
  • Admitting that I have been abused to a complete stranger.
  • Talking to someone that is "famous" but that I don't know. Even with the feeling that I am annoying, and he doesn't want to hear me, and... all of that... I still talked.
Not what I expected from going to Tucano's... but when is life ever what I expect?

He has given many talks. Several on the same topic.
To me, PERSONALLY, he said, I can be healed. I can trust.

I heard him tell ME that I could be healed.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Not Gonna Do It

Dann plays church ball. Its a rather ridiculous sport, but... he enjoys it.

His team was in the Stake tournament. (They actually won, but that is not the point of this entry.) I don't enjoy watching a bunch of anal-retentive, self-righteous, angry men play ball, so I don't usually go to the games. However, for the Tournament, I wanted to be there to support Dann. (He is not one of the anal-retentive, self-righteous, angry men... He is a calm one there...)

Dann's team was winning, which made the other team play very dirty. With just a couple minutes left in the game they were intentionally trying to foul... So, one guy PUNCHED a guy on Dann's team. (I felt freaked out, but remained sitting in my chair. There was no running away or screaming even though I thought about it.) Dann yelled at the puncher, and then at the ref for not even calling the foul.

Honestly, Dann getting angry or upset is very hard for me. I am immediately back to really scary times. I don't like it. I wasn't upset at him though... Anxious. Nervous. Crazy in my head. Just not at him.

Another guy started telling Dann to "Chill Out."
Something in my mind snapped... Couldn't understand why or what... I just... sat there, because I didn't understand what I was feeling.

Today, I was telling BJ about it. I got to the part where the dude said, "Chill out."

And my story changed. I started yelling.

"Shut the fuck up! Did you not see what just happened? People don't chill out when there are people punching other people!!! Chilling out would be an unnatural stupid reaction! You stupid, stupid man..."

I was not okay with someone calmly telling (me) to chill out when things are WRONG.
I WON'T! I WON'T! I WON'T! Even though, I did...

Sometimes you have to yell. Sometimes you have to make a fuss. Sometimes people need to understand that its not okay!

I wish I had yelled at the dude.
But then again, I am absolutely terrified of anger... especially my own...