Saturday, July 24, 2010

The last flashbacks you'll ever have

This morning I was feeling ANXIOUS! Flashbacks. Shaky. Nauseous. Yuck!

This afternoon I rode Sunny. Full speed. Around the arena. Gravel flying in BJ's face as Bo tried to keep up. Couldn't think of anything except the feel of the wind in my face and hair. And staying in the saddle. (Which I did!)

Now I feel better.

BJ says we should patten the idea.
Flashbacks start, jump on the horse and ride full speed. The only problem? I've been riding for a long time, and THIS is the first time I have felt confident enough to do it.

But, one way or the other, they'll be the last flashbacks ever...

Friday, July 23, 2010

Moving Along

There is a story of a young, but earnest Zen student who approached his teacher, and asked the Master, "If I work very hard and diligently, how long will it take for me to find Zen?"
The Master thought about this, then replied, "Ten years." 

The student then said, "But what if I work very, very hard and really apply myself to learn fast -- How long then?"
Replied the Master, "Well, twenty years."
"But, if I really, really work at it, how long then?" asked the student.
"Thirty years," replied the Master.
"But, I do not understand," said the disappointed student. "At each time that I say I will work harder, you say it will take me longer. Why do you say that?" 

Replied the Master, "When you have one eye on the goal, you only have one eye on the path."

Its strange, that is how healing from all of the crap is: The harder I work, the farther away I get. The more I just, "let it be," the more it just goes.

A few days ago, I was having a rough time. I asked BJ when it would stop hurting. He replied, "When you come down off the ceiling." (He is referring to the perspective I have in my own flashbacks. It is as if, I am on the ceiling watching it happen. I can't see his face, only his back. Although it FEELS as if its happening to me, it LOOKS as if it is happening to some other person. Strange to try to explain...)

And with that, I was gone. Conscious of the fact that I was screaming, crying, and kicking. Aware that the emotions and pain were so intense, I thought I was going to jump out of my skin. Also aware, that I was going to survive the pain, and this was exactly what I needed to go through.

Waking the Tiger talks about dual consciousness: allowing myself to dissociate, and being aware of what is happening when I do. Experiencing everything that I didn't think I could handle to experience back then.

For a long time, I think I walked around dissociated and in the past for days at a time. Now, it is minutes at a time. I can't keep track of the time I am "out". BJ does. This time, 20-30 minutes. I cried, and then everything was okay. I was relaxed enough to talk, laugh, enjoy life again.

I am grateful. SO grateful for all that is happening in my life.
Its pretty amazing.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Farewell Kloey Dog

Car rides,
Wrestling with Justin,
"Kloey, Look!",
greeting Jeff after his mission,
the friendly greetings at the door every time I came over - even after you could barely walk,
for kissing Dann,
for cleaning up all the messes and spills,
for taking care of all of the extra napkins,
for staying home alone with me when everyone else went on vacation,
for all the tricks - sit, beg, shake, dance, wait, and even roll over,
and for keeping Mommy company all day and all night.

Most of all, thank you for picking this moment to leave. If you had gone any earlier, I would have felt so estranged from my family... I might have missed out on loving them through their loss.

I know God has answered prayers through you.
Love you puppy!