Wednesday, June 29, 2011

I'm all famous and stuff!

Ok. Famous is totally pushing it. But I did just post my first ever post on a blog that is not mine.
Go check it out!

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Happy Father's Day

When I was a kid, I was a total "daddy's girl". I wanted to go everywhere with him. On Saturdays, I remember MANY trips to the hardware store. He always bought me something. Some little trinket, treat, something. I didn't go with him so he'd buy me something - I went because I just wanted to be with him.

People would tell me I have my dad's smile, and I thought that was the best compliment anyone could ever give me. I was HIS girl.

At the same time, I was afraid of him. As I got older, I realized that the way he treated some people around him (namely my brother) was just WRONG. I watched in horror as my hero fell. I was angry at him. I was angry at my mom for staying with him. It hurt. When I think about it, it still hurts a little.

A year ago, I still (mostly) believed that my parents would rather me die than leave the church. I was so scared of what my dad would think if he knew I hadn't been to church in months. I told my mom first. I let her tell him. He and I didn't really talk until that day a few months ago when he told me he loved ME. He saw the light in my eyes, and that was an answer to his prayers. He wants me to love me, and the church just kept getting in my way.

Since then, we've been able to just talk. And although I'll never be "daddy's girl" like I was when I was seven, I'm happy to know that my dad loves ME. I know I'm pretty darn lucky to have a dad that is willing to see me rather than what the church tells him to see. I'm also really grateful that he is him. Love you daddy!

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Why is it??

When I'm out in the mountains, riding Sunny and enjoying the sunshine, I think of a million things to write about., and I feel very clear about what I want to say...
But then, when I come home, and I sit down with my laptop, I can't think of a durned thing??

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Great wisdom

A friend posted this as her status on facebook:
"True giving happens when you are overflowing from the inside, and cannot help but share. When there is so much love within you that it has to flow to others or you would burst open. There is no thinking involved, no willpower in such sharing. It just flows out. If you have to force yourself to be kind, to love, to feel compassion, you've missed the first step of filling in your own Self with these emotions."
I LOVE this!

It made me think of a day at CFC. We were in a group - discussing the benefits of being sick. One benefit was getting a break... a day off. I felt confused. At the time, I didn't take a day off for anything. Fever. Puking. Passing out. There was NO good reason to take a day off. I was terrified to say anything, but I finally just asked Espra to explain to me... A day off??

She then had me come sit in a chair in the front of the room. She kept asking why I couldn't take time off. She pushed until I got the "real" answer.

I just want to be loved.

She then brought the whole group up. They picked me up and held me in a "cradle" while they played a song.

The first ten seconds, I fought an internal battle. I was terrified. Touch was difficult. I wanted to feel loved. I wanted to get everything I could from the group, and I wanted to run away.

The next twenty seconds, I was able to just let it in. I felt the love of my friends.

And then, for the rest of the song, all I wanted to do was share the love I felt. I wanted to look each person in the eye. I wanted them to know all that I was feeling.I realized how easy it was to love, to give, to serve, to share when I was full. And it didn't take much for me to get "full".

I appreciate the reminder tonight.
I'm feeling a lot of love for the world around me.

Saturday, June 11, 2011


Last night, BJ got a text from his ex. He read it to me, and I'm not completely sure why this one was so triggering to me... But it was.

The text said, "I just wish that you would think about me and respect me and my needs sometimes."
(He took a pan. ONE PAN. No other dishes, plates, silverware from the house since he moved out, but he went to the house and got a PAN. Maybe he should have just lived without like he's done for SO long.)

Somehow, that was just too much...
I was raped almost everyday for two years, but that was not the worst part.

The worst part was that I BELIEVED it was okay that he did that. I BELIEVED it was MY job to let him. There were so many beliefs that kept me there, motionless on a bed, when I could have walked away. The worst part was believing I was nothing but a tool to be used, and also believing he loved me. He SAID he loved me. And then he'd say things like, "Don't be selfish. I have needs too." or "I just wish that you would think about me and my needs sometimes."

I believed that if I said no to him, or if I had any wants, desires, thoughts of my own, that somehow hurt him. THAT is the worst part about being in an abusive relationship.

I believed that love = sacrificing everything so that my spouse could be happy. Unfortunately, my spouse seemed to believe that love = his spouse sacrificing everything so that he could be happy. What a recipe for disaster!

I spent much of the evening angry, sad, hurting, facing the hurt, and trying to come to grips with what I had just seen and realized about myself. (This wasn't totally new, but still seemed very big and important to face.)

This morning, I got a message from his ex.
"Would it be okay with you if I ask you some personal questions about your sexual abuse before and during your marriages? Yesterday, I had an experience with a friend who started opening up to me about some stuff in her past and the first thought that popped in my mind was to talk to you. That might seem strange given what's going on, but I can't shake the feeling, so there must be a reason. Thanks, xxx"
My first reaction, "Are you fucking kidding me?"
Second reaction, "Oh. Hell. Yes. Lets talk. I'll TELL you what its like to be abused. I'll TELL you how it feels when your spouse is so controlling and demanding that you forget your own worth. I'll TELL YOU!"

And then I got on the phone with my mom. I shared that I had no desire to "talk" in order to be helpful. I wanted to yell, and scream and fight and beat her down. Once I got the swearing and the yelling out of the way, I heard myself say, "Even if I DID answer her questions, that won't help her understand her friend any better. If she wants to understand her friend, she needs to listen to her friend."

On the other end of the phone, I heard, "See. I knew you'd figure it out. That sounds like the perfect response."

So, this is what I sent:
If you really want to understand your friend, listen to her. You could ask me questions about my abuse, but it wouldn't help you understand your friend any better. What every abuse victim (every human) needs is for someone to really see, hear, and understand them personally.

There are a multitude of resources on the web. But again, the most healing thing you can do for anyone is to listen to them. REALLY listen. Your friend will tell  you everything you need to know about her.
I hope that helps.

I feel peaceful. I don't know if she'll be able to accept my answer. I hope so... for her friend's sake. But either way, I feel like I just went through one very intense process. And I came to a place where I am very comfortable. I also offered the most precious and honest advice I could give. She may not see it, but I gave more of me in those few sentences than if I had said all of the things I thought I wanted to say.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Random Updates

I've been absent from bloggy world... I've been thinking a lot about a couple of things - I plan to write about them sometime, but I haven't done it yet...

I've been thinking about changing the name of my blog, because the name doesn't fit as well anymore, but I haven't come up with anything yet. (Not to mention that I am still just a little attached to this name.)

I've been busy playing. Riding!, fishing, hiking, riding!. I went to the Utah Symphony as part of the audience. Regular rehearsals for my community symphony. Pride in Salt Lake. Les Miserables at the Capitol Theater. A Real Salt Lake soccer game. Movies. Pawn stars. Sitting in the sun. Riding!

I found a canyon just twenty minutes away that is known for rock climbing. The canyon walls are better than any man-made rock wall I have ever seen. Amazing hand-holds. I'm anxious to find a buddy and go back. (My mom says no rock climbing without a buddy, and I think she might be right about this one.)

I've been busy working. Usually business is slow in the summer, but this year... April was a huge month. I spent May trying to catch up, and June is looking like it will be even bigger than April. Which is just cool.

I also need a good book to read.
Something that will make me think.
I'm taking suggestions.

I guess I'm just updating all ya'll.. and letting you know I promise to write something worthwhile again soon... just... not yet.