Because my brain is currently in the year 2000... I went looking for pictures. I don't have many. But here is what I have:She got put to sleep in March 2000. I didn't even care enough to cry or be angry. I am now.
This was right after Larry and I got married. The whole family went on a trip to Washington D.C. I wanted to go there so bad, but the trip was hell. This is my brother, Zack, and my cousin, Ruth.
A dinner with Laurie (the orchestra teacher that saved my life). I worked as her assistant and planned the high school music department tour. We went to Las Vegas. Larry loved this picture of me. He said he couldn't wait for us to have kids... He knew we would make beautiful children. I was good looking, so was he... blah!
I don't know WHY I felt it so necessary to find and share these pictures. I just DID. So I am. I look happy in all of them. Why is it that when I look back I don't feel happy...
I KNOW what was happening to the person in these pictures. It wasn't good. I guess I hoped to see some evidence that what I am going through and feeling now is justified. I mean if I could see misery or heartache in my eyes, then it would make sense to be hurting now, right?
But I can't see it. I look fine. Which makes me want to scream.
Hmmm. It's interesting how good we become at hiding how we feel...so good that 10 years later you look at pictures and question if you were actually as miserable as you remember. Yet even when 10 years have passed, that smothering darkness still chokes you. 10 years from now you may be looking at pictures from today and wondering how you managed to look so happy. I don't mean this to sound bleak, I just hope that someday soon you can get to a point in life where your photographic smile emulates how you really feel. Happy.ReplyDelete
Wow, blast from the past. I remember that time period. I had no idea what you were going through. You were definitely an expert at hiding it.ReplyDelete