My sister is going through the temple soon. I have a lot of emotions about it..
Most importantly, I am excited. I know she wants this, and it is something she has been working for and looking forward to. This is something that means a ton to her, and that makes me happy for her.
Secondary are my emotions for myself:
The date she has picked causes me some anxiety... Happens to be the same day I went through thirteen years ago. That was a pretty awful week for me... naturally, that date is triggering. The temple is triggering. Combine the two, and it's hard for me.
I am also afraid I will lose the friendship and the relationship that we have. She has been awesome and supportive of me, and I don't want that to change... And what if going to the temple changes her?? Then what??
As I write, I realize the thing that really gets me... the biggest, most painful emotion...
This is my baby sister. This is the girl that I changed her diapers and got up with in the middle of the night. This is the girl that went everywhere with me.
As a little girl, I'd go stay with my grandma for a week at a time, and I loved my grandma's. (Mostly because my aunt, Carol, was there, and Carol was COOL.) I hated leaving my sister for a whole week. I'd worry about her. I'd miss her like crazy.
I rarely missed a soccer game, a concert, a marching band performance, or anything else that she'd let me come to... I was there. Because I wanted to be. Because being a big sister to her was SO important to me. It was my life.
When I was a teenager, and I knew I needed to go to treatment, I didn't want to go, because I didn't want to leave her for that long. When I moved out, when I moved to Southern Utah, when I got married (both times), I had a hard time leaving her...
And there were SO many times when I wanted to end my life, I wanted to die, but I didn't because I didn't want to hurt her.
And now, she is doing something that means a lot to her, and I won't be there.
Even though I don't like the temple. Even though I disagree with so much. Even though it drives me crazy, and triggers the hell out of me, and I don't want to be there, I'd go because I want to be there for her.
When I left the church, she was one of the first people I
told. She told me she loved me and she wanted me to be happy. Later, she
told me she was sad, because she knew one day she was going to go
through the temple, and she wanted me there... I was almost willing to
keep trying just for her. (Gratefully, she told me not to do that.)
I'll be at the dinner after. I'll even sit outside the temple and wait if she wants me to. I just want to be there to support her... and it's killing me that I can't support her the way I want to.
An update... I wrote this, then called to tell her I was going to post it. She told me I was funny. According to her, I AM supportive. She doesn't need me to be there, and she told me to stop worrying about it. So, I'll still be at the dinner. I'll still wait outside. And I'll be happy that I can be ME, and she can be her, and we'll all love each other exactly as we are.