Its a funny thing... Trying to change EVERY dang thing in my brain... The little things that seem to come so easily for others make me crazy.
My friend, Lauren, has invited me to her house a million times. I have gone a few times. I HATE being there with her husband. I just don't like the man. I don't like the way I feel with him. He looks and acts like Larry. And when I couldn't find anger for Larry, I beat a couch cushion thinking of Brett. I knew she knew all that, but I STILL didn't feel like I could say that to her.
I didn't want to put her in an awkward position. I didn't want her to feel bad about asking me. So many other worries... I never said what I wanted.
Last night, she invited me again.
"I'd love to, but not while Brett's there."
Simple enough response. It came out of my mouth before I even thought about it. What I wanted. Absolute truth about what I was feeling at that moment.
It felt so good. I realized how different I am from LAST WEEK talking to Lauren. I couldn't do that a week ago. And last night, I did it as if it was just part of me. Just who I was. No questions or doubts before I said it. No guilt after I said it. Just me.
Lauren didn't die. She laughed and said she felt the same way. She even congratulated me for saying what I wanted. Her response was perfect, but it really wouldn't have mattered either way. I am finally standing up for me.
And its not nearly as hard as it used to be.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
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