At Slut walk, I wanted to make a sign. I couldn't bring myself to do it.
told myself I was past that. I have written about it on my blog, gone
to therapy, talked about things with BJ and other friends. I'm done, and
I'm just going to this event to help others...
I do want to help other people... and... right now, I have some work I need to do.
Slut walk made me aware of some of the beliefs that are still hanging on. I wanted to make a sign and walk with others, but I wasn't ready. I've been trying to think about how to find that piece of healing... what to do next...
Then I found THIS!!!!
The link above is to a photographer's awesome project. She takes pictures of victims of sexual abuse with a poster of something their abuser said to them.
The worst part about sexual abuse is all of the emotional abuse that comes with it. The way it fucks you over. The shit that you believe. The fight to replace all of that shit with something else... especially when the only world you have ever known has been shaped and filtered by abuse.
I want to do a poster for the website. Abusers say the most fucked up shit. It's the way they keep you quiet. It's the way they protect themselves from the consequences of their actions. It's the way they keep control, so they can keep abusing.
I don't know which quote I would put on a poster, but I'm thinking about the things that he said.
(WARNING! I'm about to list those things. I have no idea how they will affect others. They aren't nice and could be triggering.)
"It wouldn't hurt if you'd just relax."
"I wouldn't have to do this (violently forcing himself on me) if you wouldn't fight me."
"You don't know how lucky you are. No other guy would treat you as good as I do. No other guy would be as kind as I am to you - especially when it comes to sex."
"Women are so disgusting when they get turned on. That's why I hate foreplay. Better to just get in and get it done before they get all wet and gross."
"You are disgusting. It just makes me sick."
"I'm embarrassed by your fat ass. No one should ever have to look at that." (I didn't ask to be naked in front of him... I would have much preferred to keep my clothes on and him out of me.)
"Shut up woman. I'll be done in a second."
"I deserve more respect than this. You are my wife! How dare you make me do it this way!" (referring to "having" to force himself on me, because I wouldn't just lay there. I tried to fight him off. Stupid wife... thinking she has a right to say no every once in a while. MAKING her husband rape her violently... So I apologized to him for making him do that. I became the good wife that let him go at it any time without tears or complaints. It was better that way.)
Eventually, I tried to talk about it. Other people seemed to agree with Larry. A wife is nothing but her husband's property and sex-toy. To be used however and whenever he felt like it.
They said things like:
A woman withholding sex from her husband is just as bad as a man raping a woman.
How could he rape you? You were married.
I'd like to put those things on a poster too.