Saturday, December 7, 2013

I remember, and I never want to be there again

Recently,  I was talking to a friend about her business. I thought her products were all "weight loss" products. She corrected me, and wanted to tell me the story of a girl that she'd helped gain weight.

This girl had been very sick. She couldn't keep any food down whatsoever. It wasn't a choice she made - there was something wrong with her body. She'd eat, and then seconds later it would all come back up. If she kept the amounts small enough, she MIGHT be able to digest the food. Doctors didn't know why. (They told her to just stop throwing up.)

K pulled out the pictures of this girl.
She looked so thin, so sick, near death. After taking K's supplements, this girl put on weight. She's been able to keep food down ever since.

The part of the story I want to share is what I felt as I looked at her pictures.
There was once a day when my body looked like that. I know what it feels like to be nearly starving to death. Many people with an eating disorder (myself included) WANT to look that frighteningly, sickeningly thin. It doesn't make a lot of sense, even to me.

BJ, knowing my history, asked me if I was okay.

So, I shared with them both.
There was a time that I looked like that. The reason I looked like that was different, but I remember how it felt for me. I remember feeling so hopeless that I just wanted to die. I remember knowing that if I didn't do something different, I was going to die, but I couldn't understand why I would want to live. I remember how it felt to feel unworthy to even exist, so I tried to make myself stop existing - or at least take up the smallest amount of space possible. I remember how much it hurt emotionally and physically.

I remember what it was like to be there.
I remember how it felt.
I remember, and I never want to be there again.

The realization itself was huge. Do you know how far I've come? That I don't feel a desire to go back, only a sadness that I was ever there? I don't feel guilty for living and existing. I don't feel like I am less strong because there is meat on my bones. There was a time when I would feel those things and so much more.

I don't like remembering what it was like, but sometimes it's nice to be reminded how far I have come.


  1. I have times like this every once in awhile. It is nice to recognize that you have moved, are happy, and that you don't even want to go back.

    Great job sharing! (In real time, and here with us!)

  2. I'm glad you came out the other side of that struggle <3

  3. So glad you are on this side of that struggle. There are so many things about that time that I remember as well. I remember seeing you so thin you seemed to almost disappear. I remember being told I was in denial about your condition and feeling like what was I denying--that you could have all kinds of permanent damage to your body or even die. I remember feeling so helpless and so sad and at times so hopeless. I also am grateful that I can look back and remember and see how far you have come, how far I have come, how happy you are today and how good life can be. Love you!