While meeting with Bishop Campbell, at first I felt so sad - I really missed Bishop Johnson. Bishop Johnson knew me so well, he could almost read my thoughts sometimes.
I had prayed about what to talk about with Bishop Campbell before I went. I didn' feel much while I was there... mostly I was just trying to get to know him, and get a feel for him. Near the end of our meeting, he asked me if I was thinking something. I told him I was thinking lots of things.
He asked me to share just one thought.
And it became immediately clear - the only thought in my head was how much I missed Bishop Johnson. I didn't want to share that. I didn't want to make Bishop Campbell feel bad. I didn't want him to think that I didn't trust him as the Bishop. But, since I had prayed, and that was the ONLY thought, I shared it.
He asked me if I had clicked with Bishop Johnson the first time I met with him. The answer was a resounding NO. It had helped me to think back to the way things were, and to see my progress. I have made a lot of progress.
I understand myself so much better. Sometimes I feel like I have known what I know now for a long time, and so why am I not doing better? But then I remember it was just a year and a half ago that I started talking. It has only been a year since I first admitted I was abused as a child, and a little over a year since I realized that what Larry did was rape. And although I have felt angry at Dann for a long time, I also have felt like I deserved the things he said and did. Its only been recently that I have started thinking about how I deserve better.
I used to sit in the Bishop's office for an hour and never say anything, because I felt so guilty taking up his time. Then I would feel so guilty for taking up his time, and not even saying anything, and I would have to punish myself more. I couldn't talk about anything except the eating disorder - everything else was too painful. I would feel so angry, but felt so guilty for feeling angry. He would have to push so hard to get the slightest thing from me.
I would sit there and long to ask for a blessing, but felt so unworthy, I would never ask. The few times he offered, I would say yes, but then fight against it. I no longer hesitate to ask for a blessing. (most of the time)
I am grateful that I was reminded of my progress. I am grateful to see how far I have come. I am grateful that I have come so far. I know it is through His help. I am sooo grateful. I will continue to walk the path that He lays before me. I am grateful for His guidance.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
I am progressing
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I'm glad you're making progress. I know you've progressed beyond where you were when you wrote this, but I'm taking the journey with you as if it was still back then. Keep fighting the good fight.ReplyDelete
I actually also really struggle asking for blessings and accepting those that are offered. For me, I don't know if this is really different than you or not, I feel like I should be able to do it by myself, that I should be strong, good enough, or whatever without it. I feel really guilty going to God in need.ReplyDelete
God is there. Other people are there. WE (all of us!) are worth it. YOU are worth it! What makes you think going alone is strength? I have found it takes ME a lot more strength to ask for help, and to accept it. (My own side note: Just because I ask for it, doesn't mean I will get it, but in asking I have been shown the next step. I had to learn to trust ME.)ReplyDelete
Love you bud!