Monday, October 19, 2009

The Invasion

She came. We rode horses. I felt sad, because I couldn't really talk to my friend... she was incapable of talking about anything besides food and weight and CFC and... she tried. She wanted to be a good friend, but... She finally told me, "I vaguely remember all of those emotions and feelings, but really... They just don't seem to matter anymore." And then I felt a little bit jealous, because there was a part of me that wished those feelings and emotions didn't matter to me either.

We went horseback riding. I love the horses and the mountains and having Katie there was fun and sad all at the same time. It was strange. A few months ago we went horseback riding and we talked about horses and family and we laughed. This time, we didn't. (Which I understand... she was going into treatment, which is stressful even when you really WANT to go, and she really didn't.)

Thursday morning, I took her to CFC. I wasn't quite sure how it was going to work, but she asked me to stay with her through the whole admitting process. I helped her carry her bags onto the unit.

Walking into that place where I lived (and NEVER LEFT!) for so many weeks, I thought it would be really hard. Instead, I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude that I had been there. CFC taught me so much and helped me so much and gave me some of the best friends anyone could ever imagine having. I am so grateful!!! And at the same time, felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude that I was not going back.

It had been a very safe place for me, and I am sure if I needed it, it would be again, but for now, it just felt so different. I was grateful that I went, and I don't want to go back. It was a good feeling and gave me an amazing sense of closure.

I stayed with her while she filled out all of the crazy paperwork, and then Pam said it was time to say good-bye. That was hard. I want so much for her! I want my friend back! And I feel so sad, because I know she didn't really want to be there. She was stressing about FNS, and weight gain, and... I understood that was not the point, and it didn't really matter, but I also understood it mattered to her - A LOT! And it made me so sad to leave her there. I am also so glad that she is safe and I know they will love her and take good care of her.

Immediately after I dropped her off, I went to the barn to get Sunny so we could go ride in the mountains. I went into his stall, and he wouldn't come to me. I called for him, I kissed at him, I asked him... His eyes told me he was far away, and was not coming back until I changed something.

I had been laughing and smiling, talking excitedly about how good it was to get Katie to CFC and how much I didn't want to go back... all of the POSITIVE feelings, but none of the negative. I know I could have forced Sunny to let me put the halter on him, but I also know I don't have to force him if I just acknowledge what is going on inside of me.

So, I sat down in a pile of shit and cried. I was angry. I was angry at her for leaving me. It wasn't that long ago that we could talk about and share experiences related to abuse. She really doesn't care anymore. She really thinks she's fine, and I was angry at her for it. Only that confused me, because its not like I want her to be angry at Jeff forever. I want her to forgive him and move on and not have this crap be a part of her life... but I felt abandoned and lonely and I wondered if she had the better idea. Just get over it. Just force yourself to hang out with him until it doesn't hurt anymore. Just pretend like everything is okay until it feels like it is.

I cried, and I told Sunny all about it. As I cried, Sunny came out of his dissociation. There was light in his eyes again, and then he walked over to me and just stood by me. He never touched me, just stood there and waited. As I finished crying, he walked out of the stall. I put the halter on him, brushed him, and trailered him.

The ride... awesome! AWESOME! The sun was out, the fall colors were amazing, and Sunny loves to run as much as I do. AWESOME!

All day Friday, I found myself living the inpatient schedule inside my head. I haven't thought about that schedule in a long time, and in fact a few weeks ago, couldn't remember it at all. That day, I remembered what group Katie was in, I remembered what time everything was, and it was like I was re-experiencing my stay at CFC all over again. It was like rapid-fire in my brain... it made it pretty hard to concentrate on anything, but I didn't try to stop it. I didn't want to focus on it either... I just let it happen.

I miss her. I miss getting the random texts about her life. More, I miss the friendship we had that has gone away over the last few months... I wonder what it will be like in the next few months.


  1. Not only is this unbelieably well written, I am sitting here in awe at just how much strength you possess.
    The amount of growth that you have had since I first laid eyes on you and your new bff Petey is amazing. The fact that you allowed yourself to "shit on a pile of shit" and "just let it happen" proves that.
    I also wish that I could sit here and tell you that the friend that you miss will be gone for a few short months and come out and be like she used to... but unfortunately I cannot make such a promise..
    Will she come out like the ol' Katie? Maybe
    Will it still be as though she is completely trapped in her head? Unfortunately, maybe..
    But I have also been thinking about how much we have been changed by CFC that there also is a "maybe" to having her mature and grow beyond our expectations. Who knows what kind of maturity and beauty will come out the other side...
    I guess that all we can do is wait and hope..
    I love you Jen

  2. Jen, AMAZING! I know there is something about the outside of a horse that is good for the woman's soul...I am grateful that you recognized that Sunny was trying to help you by dissociating...not wanting to be part of the hurt you felt and needed you to let go of it before he could be near you...and he came, and it was awesome!


    YOU are AWESOME, STRONG, and a beautiful SOUL...


  3. That's really cool how he knows what you need. I wish we all could be a little more like Sunny.