Tuesday, April 20, 2010


I didn't know how damaging it was until I listened to BJ talk. I heard the insanity in his voice, his words, but the part that was most horrifying: I heard it in his heart and soul.

It felt like I had been slapped in the face.
I was looking in a mirror. I didn't like what I saw. Not at all. I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be the person that takes it, and thinks its my fault. I don't want to be the person that thinks she can fix it if she is just nice enough, understanding enough, kind enough, strong enough, good enough...

The anger I felt for Ginger? I think finally I am seeing how a healthy person would feel towards abuse. For the first time EVER I have no attachment to the abuser. I felt pure anger. Its not that I wanted to hurt her. Or break things. Or anything violent. I just wanted the abuse to stop.

For the first time EVER, I didn't think about how she felt, or tried to understand why she was hurting him, or... I just felt angry.

With my dad, I could see WHY. I knew it wasn't right, but I couldn't see any other option. He was supposed to teach Jeff. He was supposed to show him the right way. And if Jeff refused to listen... what else could he do?

With Jeff, my dad was mean. It made sense he would be mean to Zack, or my mom, or even me sometimes. It wasn't his fault. I didn't like it. I HATED it, but what else could he do?

With Johnny, with Larry, with Dann, with Amy, with Katie, with people at school, with Brother Sackett, with my family, with the boys at the group home, all of them... what else could they do?

I don't know. I don't know what they could have done.
And it doesn't even matter.

Today, I am angry.
Not at me. For the first time in forever, not at me.

Finally. Not at me.


  1. I have nothing deep to share, only that this makes me happy!

  2. I think that the coolest thing for me while reading this... what that I could hear your voice. I could hear you saying all of these things. Saying them and MEANING them. I don't hear doubt. I just knew that those "temper tantrums" would be good for something someday.. lol..
    Honestly.. I am so proud of you.. I love hearing this voice...

  3. I thought of this post today when I was in therapy. I was talking about how I used to work at a group home for juvenile sex offenders, and I was explaining to my therapist that it didn't bother me at all, because I could see past what the boys did and understood them as individuals (which doesn't make a lot of sense given that a lot of my abuse history was by a teenage boy when I was younger).

    Anyway, this post really made me think - that maybe it's okay to be angry at somebody's actions and not to rationalize it or explain it away.

    So, my reaction to this post is two-fold. First, I'm so proud of you for being able to feel anger toward someone other than yourself (and would LOVE to hear about this anger more often!) And second, thank you for making me aware of my own unhealthy justifications.

  4. I've had some of these same thoughts. These thoughts are actually what scare me the most. I've thought about, what should dad have done? Wasn't he supposed to discipline? Then, I've thought that if he didn't have any other choice, will I have any other choice?

    That's been a hard question for me to answer. The truth is he did have a choice. I've made the decision for myself that I will never discipline if I am angry. I've told that to Robyn and she is okay with it. She understands that there may be situations that I just have to walk away from, because I never want my children to fear me.

    In a sense I feel like the Lamanites who were converted by Ammon in the Book of Mormon. They were unable to pick up their weapons of war even to defend themselves because there was something in their nature that they could not let out. I feel that I have to figuratively bury my weapons of war. I never want to let myself get out of control.

    Anyway, sorry that got a little off subject. I'm glad that you're able to take the anger away from yourself. Keep up the good work.

  5. That's not off subject. I appreciate your thoughts. Your comparison to "burying your weapons of war" makes a lot of sense.

    Thanks for your thoughts. And I'm glad you and Robyn are working out ways to do things differently.