Talking to Steph tonight. She told me about Kendall's goodbye. Kendall was Brie's little girl. She died before she ever lived. Kind of like you.
Like you, Kendall saved Brie's life. Brie was lost in her eating disorder. Somehow Kendall's short stay showed Brie the way back. Finally, Brie is alive... in a way her family has never seen before.
I thought of you. I was not lost in an eating disorder, but I was lost. I was going through all the motions, but not living. I was not excited for your life, nor grieved when it ended. I was too numb to feel either emotion.
The day I found out I was going to miscarry, I knew deep down inside this needed to happen. Dann and I needed to go through the experience of losing you. I couldn't explain it better than that.
I knew that our home was no place for a child. I knew it would not be safe for you. I didn't understand how much needed to change until I thought of bringing you into the world. From then on, I wanted to make my body healthier. I wanted to make my mind healthier. I wanted to make my relationship with Dann healthier.
I wanted to know you would have been safe if you had lived.
Thank you for coming into my life. Thank you for sacrificing your life so I could find mine. Thank you for sacrificing your life, so Dann could find himself. Thank you for coming and changing everything.
Thank you for saving me.
I don't know who I will become next. I don't know if I will ever be a mother to anyone but you.
My heart aches because I never knew you. I have tried to console myself with the thought that there wasn't really a child there. Only tonight, listening to Steph talk about Brie and Kendall, I knew differently.
I am sorry I wasn't ready to receive you. I am sorry I didn't know how to take better care of myself. I am sorry I didn't nurture you. I am sorry I didn't want you to come to our home.
I want to ask for your forgiveness, but I don't think I deserve it. I still don't want to be a mother. I still don't want to put my body through that. I still don't want you to come to my home.
For now, I am grateful for you. My life is forever different because of you.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
To the one I never met,
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Sending you love. This is a beautiful post. I think you're wrong on one thing though...I truly believe that you DO deserve forgiveness, and I hope one day you will believe that to be true for yourself. I know this sounds cliche and maybe I have no business saying it here, but I think sometimes things do happen for a reason (maybe not always...but sometimes). Okay, I've probably said all the wrong things now, but know that I love you.ReplyDelete
Like I said earlier, I feel bad that today ended up being so hard for you due to our conversation yesterday... But I think that it was just time for that piece of you to resurface, to teach you that which you weren't ready to hear 3 years ago.ReplyDelete
I agree with Amber that you definately deserve forgiveness. You deserve more than that.
It makes me sad that this pain was hiding all this time for you. It still breaks my heart that you went through so much before I had the blessing of meeting you. But like you said so beautifully in your letter, your baby saved you through sacrifice.
As horrible as you think that it sounds; it is okay that you weren't ready to be a mother, that you were afraid of raising your baby at home. Not being all excited doesn't mean that you would have been a "bad mother" I don't think that would be possible.
I am sorry that you missed that chance on a child, but I am so grateful that you were able to find the hope and motivation to find yourself a semblance of peace in your life.
I am glad tha tyou were able to feel sad AND thankful for all of the things that happened due to your loss.
The line that got me was
"I wanted you to know you would have been safe if you had lived." I know that to be absolutely true Jen. There is too much caring and love in you to allow anything otherwise.
I hope that you can continue to grieve for your baby, and then grieve for you. Whether you choose to have a family or not Jen is up to you... But you don't need to doubt your potential to be a mother. You'd be amazing.
I love you and I am so proud of you for writing this and allowing yourself to feel.
You are amazing..
and I know it will be harder to do, but you aren't a "would-have-been-mother"... You ARE a mother. Be sad and celebrate that.
I'm proud of you, I love you, and I'm forever here for you.ReplyDelete
This is beautiful Jen. You are exactly right, this baby was meant for you, but not in the way everyone would expect. It will always be a part of you, and one day you will have a chance to meet this sweet blessing.ReplyDelete
Thank you for sharing this. I have felt the feelings of fearing if my home would be safe for a child. I've felt what it's like to realize I need to change to be prepared. I'm sorry for your loss. I haven't felt that. But I'm glad that you realized it needed to happen. I'm glad that it's helped you learn and grow and continue on your path.ReplyDelete