Free from the Other. It is not my problem, and I won't make it mine either.

Facebook has an "Other" folder for messages. It's where messages go if I'm not Facebook friends with the person who sent it. I think I knew it was there, but I had never checked it until yesterday.

I discovered some nice messages from people thanking me for my Ordain Women profile, and for the Sunday spotlight interview I did a month or so ago. It also had a message from my ex-husband. It had been there a while, so for him this is way old news. For me, it's pretty darn fresh.

I didn't know what to do with it. I don't know what to do with it, so I guess I have decided to write about it here.


This post isn't to him, but of course he's welcome to read it. This is for me, and for anyone else who is trying to figure out what to do with past abusers, forgiveness, apologies, etc.

A couple years ago, I wrote the blog post "The Letter I Will Never Send", because I was contacted by the Catholic church asking what I thought about his getting remarried. They asked me to describe my marriage and my experiences with him. I chose not to do anything with their questions except to write my experiences FOR ME.

I guess he read it.

"Hey Jen,

I wanted to write you because there is a lot I have been thinking about for a long time. Someone alerted me to the blog you wrote and it solidified what I think I didn't quite understand before. Where I didn't think rushing you into sex so often was kind, I didn't understand how bad it was. I didn't know to you it was a forced obligation. I thought because I had your consent it was o.k. --I didn't realize how abusive that was to you. I think aside from that, we both went into things unprepared and unrealistic and hurt each other. I am truly sorry, I realize now how hurt you were. I don't want there to be any tension in the future and I hope you are and continue to do well in your life. It would mean everything to me if you would forgive me.
-L"

Since writing the letter, and the response to it, I hadn't thought much about him. I am still dealing with some false beliefs about relationships. I am still dealing with a lot of guilt and shame that is left from a lifetime of abuse - which included my life with him - but was not limited to just him. I have had to completely reconstruct my whole emotional/mental/spiritual foundation, which takes a lot of time and a lot of work. (That could be the understatement of the century.)


Reading his message, my initial reaction was fear. I was afraid that he could find me, and I wanted to hide.

Then I felt like I needed to write back and apologize for not responding sooner: to tell him that I hadn't seen it, but now that I had, give him a response that would make him feel better. I felt like I should tell him I wasn't angry and I had totally forgiven him... but I didn't do any of that.

Todd told me to tell him to "Fuck off."
I wasn't entirely against the idea, but it didn't really resonate with how I was feeling.

I thought about asking how I had hurt him and apologizing for anything I had done to him, and then I realized: I DON'T CARE

I have had to work my ass off to recover from what he did. I have gone to therapy, I have read books, I have cried, I have gone through flashbacks and nightmares. I have spent countless hours thinking and rethinking, so that I could make sense of the world around me. I have spent time talking to others about how they treat their wives, and defining rape, and going to SLUT walks, and writing and writing and writing and crying and then writing more. I didn't ask him to apologize. (In fact, if he read anything besides that one post - he would have seen that I didn't want an apology.) I didn't ask him to do anythig. All I did was to go out and do MY work to make peace with what he did and what was my life.

I worked hard, and I have created a beautiful life. I didn't need anything from him, and I don't care what would mean the world to him...  What he needs and wants doesn't matter to me. I can finally say what he needs and wants and thinks and does means nothing to me. I wish him no ill will. I also don't wish him happiness. He gets to exist completely separate from me.

(Oh, and there is no tension between us, because there is nothing between us. That is exactly how I want it.)

I don't know what prompted him to write me - maybe he was trying to repent, and apologizing to me was part of that... but that's a pretty shitty apology. If I cared about him and his repentance, I would suggest that to him: Learn to apologize and take some responsibility if you actually want forgiveness. But I don't care about his repentance, or his work, or what he needs to learn or do... He gets to be responsible for his own learning and growing, and I get to completely dismiss it. It's his, and has nothing to do with me.

I have gone through anger at him. I have gone through all kinds of emotions, and now... I am at peace.  I don't know if that means I have forgiven him. (I am not a fan of the word forgiveness - I think too often it is used to manipulate and control. In too many cases, it is used to shift responsibility from an abuser to the victim.)

I have cried a lot in the last couple of days. I am not even sure what the tears were for. I just felt like crying, so I did. And now, I feel more free than I have felt in a long time.

Mormon Matters: Abuse and the Forgiveness Dilemma

A few weeks ago, Mormon Matters did a podcast titled "Abuse and the Forgiveness Dilemma". I don't usually pay much attention to Mormon podcasts, but this one caught my eye.

This is a paragraph from the description of the podcast. It kind of made me sob.

"But what about abuse victims? What about those who have been physically, sexually, emotionally abused—sometimes relentlessly and violently? How would they hear such messages? Is a warning that they must forgive their abusers, rapists, torturers or else they are even worse sinners than them a good one to hear? Can certain messages that are wonderful in most cases (and no one is imagining that abuse victims were on President Uchtdorf’s mind when he gave his remarks) be heard in spiritually and emotionally damaging ways by those whose self image distorted by internalized shame over the abuse they received as a child or whose lives are in danger or souls are being warped by abuse even in the present? Can such messages actually re-victimize these people? Are there circumstances in which even the beautiful message of “Families Are Forever” be heard as a threat—heard in such a way that a person might express a deliberate choice to live in hell rather than be forced to associate with their abuser(s) in heaven? The answer is yes."

My first thought was, "Where the hell were you people when I needed you?!?"
And then I remembered what the people in my life said YEARS ago:
(Here's an excerpt from the post I linked to.)

"She gave an analogy that hit me as absolute truth.
She is giving a presentation on eating disorders to 70 RA's tomorrow. Knowing that she is talking to people who like to help others, and are college students, there will be about five people in the audience with disordered eating. She was worried about giving certain suggestions or saying certain things, because she didn't want to say something that would hurt those five. She came to the conclusion that the sixty-five needed to hear what she had to say, and she had to hope that the five would be okay.
Just because they are saying it in conference, does not mean the message was to me personally.

She said, "If I told you I was falling apart, and I really needed you here," and I finished her thought, "I would be there tomorrow... In fact, I have thought about getting on a plane when you were sick, even when you didn't ask, because I love you and I wanted you to have a friend."

At the end of President Monson's talk, I also got a text from BJ:
"He was not talking to you. I listened to the entire talk. Not once did he say, 'Hey Jen, listen up!' or 'Now I am want to talk to victims of abuse that can't say no to people yet,' He didn't say anything close to that.""

Their words and their insights were invaluable to me, probably saved my life, and definitely made my life more livable.

So, knowing that was what this podcast was about, I both really wanted to listen and wanted nothing to do with it. A few months ago, I wrote about wanting to dump the baggage that the word forgiveness had for me. Listening to the podcast felt like a next step.

They started by talking Elder Uchtdorf's talk.
I didn't listen to the talk, but I read it because it got so much attention. This was the response I wrote in my journal:

"The thing about talks like this is:
Selfish assholes hear it, and think, "Yes. Everyone else should be more loving, accepting, and forgiving of me. Why doesn't (doormat) be more loving and just do what I want?"
Self-sacrificing doormats hear it, and they think, "Yes. I need to be more loving and accepting. Next time (asshole) says something awful, I will tell him that I love him and just do what he wants."

It's like the perfect recipe for a disastrous relationship."

As I listened to the podcast, I felt like they described my thoughts on forgiveness, love, boundaries, and choices perfectly.

Just a few thoughts as I listened:
(Sorry if it's a bit disjointed, these are the notes I took while I was listening.)

It is not appropriate for a mortal to try to absorb the consequences of another person's actions. If I do something to protect an abuser from the consequences of their choices, that is what I am doing. It isn't my job to protect them, it also isn't my job to punish them.
Forgiveness is NOT about the other person... It is NOT doing things to make the abuser's life better or easier... Forgiveness is about ME. It's about me leaving my pain behind. It's about me finding peace.

I've heard that thought before - we don't forgive for THEM, we forgive for ourselves...
I have also experienced abusive people asking for forgiveness because it made THEIR life easier, better, less painful... "Forgive me and just do what I want you to do." That is NOT forgiveness. It is manipulation. (And if a person is apologizing in this matter, it is not a real apology. A real apology ESPECIALLY in the case of abuse, will show more concern for the person that they hurt than for themselves. I wrote about what it felt like to get a real apology here.)

I can be Christlike and be forgiving, and yet not open my arms to an abuser that continues to cause me mental (or physical) anguish. Forgiveness is not about sacrificing your personal boundaries... I still get to choose who and what I want in my life. I ALWAYS get to choose. Forgiving doesn't take away my freedom - real forgiveness gives me more freedom.

Asking the survivor to forgive the perpetrator as part of the survivor "being a good person" is another way to make the survivor responsible for the abuse. That's WRONG. The survivor is not and never will be responsible for the abuse.

Shame. Shame is such a huge and horrible part of abuse. I have long believed that the beliefs I formed about myself and the world around me were FAR MORE damaging than all of the bruises or physical symptoms. Talks like Uchtdorf's only added to the shame.

If you believe what they say at church, "I am worse, because I can't forgive," and you KNOW you are a defective, bad, horrible person, you work so hard to be "good". You want so BADLY to be good, that you just keep signing up for more abuse... I KNOW that what they did was HORRIBLE, and I don't want to be like that...so I try to be nice, and kind, and loving, and serve even those that hurt me. That is the OPPOSITE of what a healthy person does.


Saying that "not forgiving" is worse than the offense, puts people on equal footing when they shouldn't be on equal footing. Abuse is not the same as the "just being human and needing compassion".

It is GOD's responsibility to be the judge over another person. The "sin" is when I decide what another person should or should not do, and try to control them. Making my own choices about where I spend my time is NOT a sin, but telling another person they have to change or do what I want IS.

"Being judgmental is a sin. Choosing to move on or separate yourself from a relationship is NOT."


Judging abuse as bad, is also okay.
Is saying, "I can't stand that person, and the things they have done to ME," even close to the same as saying, "I hate the choices they are making with their life. I wish they wouldn't drink alcohol, or live with a woman they aren't married to, or have a tattoo."?
Those two statements are totally different, but it has taken me a long time to understand the difference.

Sometimes the best thing to do is GO. Here's an example from the scriptures.
Nephi left. He got away from Laman and Lemuel. He didn't stay and take more abuse. 
Follow your heart, your divine intuition, it's the only way to live, heal, and BE.
There are situations when anger IS righteous. Anger can protect us.


We can't paint with a broad brush. The journey and the process is VERY individual.

Suggestions on how to be helpful if someone trusts you enough to share their story:

• Don't make assumptions. 
• Ask questions.
• Do NOT give me advice. 
• Don't presume you know these relationships better than I do.
• Don't presume you know what I should do better than I do.
• Reaffirm my worth. I don't need you to reaffirm my courage. Don't marvel at me or my strength...
• Don't presume what will happen, in this life or the next... Talking about a "forever family" is not always a comforting thing. (Although my family has been great, one of the big things that got me thinking about the church was when I looked at some of the people at church. I thought if I had to spend eternity with them, that would not be heaven, that would be hell.)

  "They know they are going to the celestial kingdom. I want nothing to do with them. If this is what heaven will be like, I'd rather go to hell."

•  When I said that, I MEANT it. Hell was better than what I found in my relationship with the church.

  "In my opinion, a relationship becomes abusive when one person tells someone else they are not good enough. They need to change. And at the same time, won't let that person leave the relationship. (You are not good enough for me, but I won't let you be with anyone else.) That is what it felt like being a member of the church. I wasn't good enough for them, but I didn't have the choice to leave.
  
  Only, I did. I have the choice. I am not ever going to go back to a place or a relationship with anyone or any organization that makes me feel less than."
  -me

• Abusers are charming. Victims stay quiet. You never know what other people have been through.
• It is NOT. NEVER will be. the failing of the survivor who can't "hang in" any longer. NEVER. NOT. That is so so so so so wrong. 

This talk on forgiveness does NOT apply to victims of abuse.
God brings comfort and love. Total comfort and love. Anything else just isn't God.


I love what she said at the end... about her friend... She couldn't handle touch, so her friend sat at the edge of the bed and held her big toe. SO grateful for BJ.  He'd touch my head. The only place on my body that I could handle being touched was my head, and then my hands, and then I wanted to be held. So, he held me for hours and hours while my body and my mind healed.

You don't have to forgive, at least not in the way the church teaches forgiveness, in order to move on. It is not required of you.

The only thing that was hard to listen to in this podcast, was talking about horrific abuse... I have spent many years saying, "It wasn't rape, because it wasn't like what they experienced." or, "It wasn't abuse, because it wasn't as bad as it could have been." I have also listened to friends who said, "I wish he would have beat the shit out of me, because then at least I would have had the scars, and I could call it abuse." etc... Emotional abuse is devastating. Just because abuse doesn't look like it looks on TV, doesn't mean that it isn't. It is okay to move on and separate yourself even if you are not experiencing the VERY horrific things that Tresa and Natasha talked about.

Loaded Words: Forgiveness

Recently, I was asked the question, "What does forgiveness mean to you?"
So, I'm writing about it.
Bad news: I'm a little bit all over the place in my writing.
Good news: I like what I wrote, so I'm leaving all of it...

There was a time, I would hear the words, "Forgive them," and I would hear, "Take their abuse. Let them hurt you." So I'd do that... Only the peace I was hoping for, never came. Instead I only felt used and abused and crazy.

I chose to forget the word "forgive", because it had too much extra baggage associated with it. And then, in January, a friend of mine posted this on facebook.

"Lately I hear of so many people ignoring or being rude to their own family members or close friends because of choices that person has made. It's so sad to me that in our society, people are so selfish and unforgiving and judgmental. They hold grudges and don't talk to siblings, parents, cousins, friends, etc. because they are sad, mad, angry, or whatever toward that person. For some reason, they feel like they are entitled to hold a grudge because they are choosing to do so. I wish people would learn to take the advice "Be QUICK to forgive" seriously."

I wrote this in my journal that night:

"For me, two things happened at once.
1. I love it. I agree wholeheartedly. YES. Stop holding grudges. Stop letting the pain of unmet expectations stop you from having the relationships you want. Love people as they are, and not just when they do what you want. It's not love if you only love them when they fit your expectations. That's just manipulation. I hope she reads what she wrote... I hope she gets it...


2. I hate it. "Be quick to forgive" was used over and over and over to get me to go back to very harmful situations. He raped me. He beat me. He assaulted me. He called me names. He said things that made me go crazy. He tried to manipulate me. He pushed every boundary until I thought I would rather die than to have to be around him. But none of that mattered, because it was MY job to forgive. My job to love him and give him another chance... My job to accept the apologies over and over and over, even when he kept on hurting me...


In my world, "Why can't you just forgive?" meant, "You have no right to choose what you want.You have to spend time with him, you have to give him what he wants, you have to... That is what God wants you to do."


A mere mention of the word forgiveness, and I felt incredible guilt, because I was angry and hurt when he hurt me. I'd start beating myself up in my head. And in the past, I'd vow to be better at taking the crap. To not care if he hurt me, but instead to be nicer. Kinder. Quieter.

Forgiveness meant to forget myself. 


I recognize that she was not talking to victims of abuse. I recognize that most people at church would never tell a person to stay in an abusive relationship. (I say most, because I know of a few bishops and members who WOULD and they DID.)  I recognize that who she was talking to might just benefit from some awareness that parents getting divorced or someone leaving the church isn't worth losing family over.

I recognize that what I think and feel about the word forgiveness isn't what the word is intended to mean. It's a "Loaded Word". Because of my experiences and the beliefs I formed about myself and those experiences, forgiveness has taken on a meaning that I don't like.

I don't like that when someone talks about forgiveness, I feel anger and pain and guilt. I feel violated. I don't like that THAT is my internal reaction. I don't like that what I hear is, "Forget yourself completely and only think of what THEY want." I would like the word to come to mean something else to me.

I shared my thoughts with BJ, and he gave me this quote:

"Forgiveness is love's toughest work, and love's biggest risk. If you twist it into something it was never meant to be, it can make you a doormat or an insufferable manipulator."

I'm very aware of what forgiveness is NOT meant to be: It's not meant to make me forget myself. It's not meant to make me sacrifice ME, so that other people don't have to make sacrifices. It is not meant to keep me in situations that are harmful, or even keep me in places that I don't want to be in.

Forgiveness is not supposed to be used to manipulate and abuse... What IS forgiveness meant to be?"

I haven't thought about it much since then... Until the question, "What does forgiveness mean to you?"

The only answer I could come up with that really meant something to me was, "Making peace with the stuff that hurts me." It's an individual thing. There are things that really hurt me, but they won't bother someone else. There are things that don't even hit my radar, but are life shattering to someone else.

Examples:
Husband having an affair, not a big deal to me. End the marriage, go our separate ways. Easy.
Bishop telling me it was my fault that he had an affair, and I couldn't end the marriage but instead had to work harder to serve my husband and make him happy, HUGE deal. I'm still working to make peace with that. (I read in a book once that you'll know you've forgiven when you no longer have an emotional reaction when you hear the person's name, or in this case when I am reminded of the situation. I still feel anger and disgust at the bishop for saying that, and anger and disgust at myself for believing him and trying to do what he said. Why didn't I just say, "Fuck you. You're an idiot!" and walk away? Eventually, I'll make peace with that.)

ME being raped... painful, and I worked through it, I dealt with it. I'm at peace with it. A friend being raped... I don't know how to make peace with that. I feel anger at their abusers that I have never felt towards my own. (Which in some ways has been healing. Getting really angry and yelling, swearing, and crying, at what happened to them has somehow helped me make peace and move past my own stuff. In that, I guess I am grateful for the things they went through and their willingness to share their painful journeys with me.)

In the book Forgive for Good, he says, 

"there are really only two steps in the process: grieving and letting go. Grieving, after you have been wronged, means letting yourself feel the anger, hurt, and trauma in all its original pain—but not indefinitely. After about two years, most people have had plenty of time to process, then they're ready to move on."  

It was impossible to forgive or make peace with a situation when I kept saying, "It's okay. It doesn't hurt that much. It's no big deal." I had to acknowledge the depth and severity of the emotional wounds. (Ummm... Are there emotional wounds to knowing that a friend was raped? Are there emotional wounds to learning of a friend's abuse? How do I feel the hurt and trauma of the original pain if the pain wasn't mine to feel? I don't know the answers...)

I'd also add to his thoughts that as long as I allowed myself to continue to be abused by other people, I couldn't even begin to start the grieving process... My therapist repeated to me over and over, "As long as you allow yourself to be abused, you will never heal from past abuse." Sometimes I felt resentment, because I didn't set up boundaries. He (pick a him, any him) violated me, and my resentment came because I let him. Once I started standing up for myself and taking care of myself, the anger and resentment just fell away. I wasn't afraid anymore. Once I knew I would not sacrifice myself or my body just to make someone else happy, I experienced a lot of healing.

My friend explained forgiveness this way:

"I totally believe in forgiveness... the kind that says, "I don't give a fuck what you do, I'm going to be happy." I don't believe in the kind that says, "I don't give a fuck what you do, I'm going to let you be in my life and fuck me over..." There's a big difference between the two."

I believe I can forgive without allowing someone back into my life. I have very few hard feelings for Larry, but I don't ever want to see him again. Seeing him, and allowing him in my life would take a lot more work... For me AND for him. Luckily, he seems perfectly content to never talk again.

And maybe the quote that seems to fit my definition the best is this:

"Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past can be changed."

Forgiveness means:
I no longer wish that I had never been raped, or that I had never gotten divorced, or that my parents had been different, or.... I no longer wish that I could change the past for my friends. I no longer wish that I had learned all of this stuff when I was nineteen, so somehow I could have prevented all of the pain. I no longer wish that I could have done it differently.
It means I'm at peace with my past and with my present.

No one has more authority in my brain than I do

Something amazing happened this weekend... or I guess... something amazing has been happening for a long time, and I got to SEE it this weekend.

I mentioned in my last post that I forgot about LDS general conference. That in itself is amazing. However, there's more.

They tell you to listen to conference and think about yourself. Apply it all to YOU. I used to do that. I didn't listen and think about what someone else needed to hear... or if I did, I beat myself up big.

"Jen, how dare you think that someone ELSE needs to hear this... that someone ELSE needs to change?? Just the fact that you THOUGHT that says that you are not a good human being. YOU need to change! Conference is for YOU. Change YOU!"

So, I'd try to apply every single word to ME. Which meant, if they said "give more to the poor" it didn't matter if I gave everything I could give, I needed to give more. If they said, "be less selfish and more forgiving," I looked for ways to be less selfish and more giving.

I tried so hard to do everything they said to do, and then felt horrible that I couldn't be and do everything.

I remember conference three years ago... My friend Amanda heard that it was going on, and called me from across the country. She was concerned. She was not the first to tell me that the speakers (both at conference and at church) aren't talking to ME, but she said it in a way that made sense to me. "Most of the people in the world need to hear that they could give more, serve more, and think of themselves less, but that is not YOU. Most of the people need a good reminder every six months to think about someone else, because they only do it once every six months. You spend most of your time thinking about everyone else."

She went on to compare general conference to a presentation she was giving on eating disorders to RA's at the college: Knowing that she was talking to people who liked to help others, and were college students, she figured there would be about five people in the audience with disordered eating. She was worried about giving certain suggestions or saying certain things, because she didn't want to say something that would hurt those five. She came to the conclusion that the sixty-five needed to hear what she had to say, and she had to hope that the five would be okay. Her analogy made sense. The leaders talked to the majority... The healthy thing to do would be to recognize that what they are saying is harmful to me, and stay away.

For the past three years, I've known that their words didn't apply to me... I've known that I am self-sacrificing to a fault... I've understood that I would sacrifice myself, my wants, my happiness, my life to make others happy... And that wasn't good... but still, every time I heard someone talk about forgiveness and selfishness and selflessness and service, I went crazy inside my head.

I didn't listen to conference, and it's quite possible that had I listened, it would have made me just as crazy as it always has... but when I heard what Uchdorf talked about, and what he said about forgiveness and holding grudges and loving, it didn't make me crazy.

It made me think, "Am I holding grudges? Are there changes I want to make? Are there people I am not forgiving that it would benefit me to do so?" I thought about it. I decided that there were a few places I'd like to make changes. Small adjustments that will make my life more full. I also thought about BJ's kids and BJ's ex, and I wondered what they would get out of it... Would they think about the way they are treating him? Would they think that HE needed to change? Would any of it cross their minds? I wondered how it would effect others who were super self-sacrificing... would they keep trying to sacrifice themselves in order to make other people feel good... I wondered about some of the abusive people who were listening... Would they use this talk to invalidate and hurt more people?

For the first time, I didn't let some stranger tell me what I should be thinking, feeling, doing. For the first time, I didn't give him authority in my brain. It didn't go in and take over so fast that I was left helpless... I thought about it, made a choice about what was important to ME. I got to choose. It feels amazing... I also got to wonder about the rest of the world without beating myself up. Words affect the people who listen and believe, and it's okay to wonder how the words will affect others.

Sunday night, I went to dinner at my parents and I was happy. Connected to myself and to them. On general conference Sunday. Today I feel peaceful and... happy. On the Monday after conference weekend. This is BIG. And awesome.

(And just to clarify, that doesn't mean I'm going back... It just means it doesn't all trigger the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure my brother said it best when he invented a new drinking game. He doesn't drink, but he decided a good game would be, "Everyone takes a shot whenever they say something that would make Jen cranky." EVERYONE would get pretty drunk off that.)

Undone - FFH

Loving this song. So intense.

The first verse is the one that hit me the most:

Open up wide, swallow down deep
No spoon full of sugar could make it sweet
The cancer inside stealing my sleep
Night after night it keeps haunting me
The secrets I keep
Are tearing me up inside
I try to hide and then I wonder why
Why I’m still running when I know there’s no escaping

I like the rest of it too though:

Come undone, surrender is stronger
I don’t need to be the hero tonight
We all want love we all want honor
Nobody wants to pay the asking price

Fall on my knees, fall on my pride
I’m tripping over all the times I’ve lied
I’m asking please, but I can see in Your eyes
You don’t need tears for alibis
It’s true what they say
Love must be blind
It’s why You’re still standing by this sinner’s side
You’re still by my side when all the things I’ve done have left You bleeding

Chorus

I don’t think I can drive it home tonight
I don’t think I wanna be alone tonight

To the one I never met,

Talking to Steph tonight. She told me about Kendall's goodbye. Kendall was Brie's little girl. She died before she ever lived. Kind of like you.

Like you, Kendall saved Brie's life. Brie was lost in her eating disorder. Somehow Kendall's short stay showed Brie the way back. Finally, Brie is alive... in a way her family has never seen before.
I thought of you. I was not lost in an eating disorder, but I was lost. I was going through all the motions, but not living. I was not excited for your life, nor grieved when it ended. I was too numb to feel either emotion.

The day I found out I was going to miscarry, I knew deep down inside this needed to happen. Dann and I needed to go through the experience of losing you. I couldn't explain it better than that.

I knew that our home was no place for a child. I knew it would not be safe for you. I didn't understand how much needed to change until I thought of bringing you into the world. From then on, I wanted to make my body healthier. I wanted to make my mind healthier. I wanted to make my relationship with Dann healthier.

I wanted to know you would have been safe if you had lived.

Thank you for coming into my life. Thank you for sacrificing your life so I could find mine. Thank you for sacrificing your life, so Dann could find himself. Thank you for coming and changing everything.

Thank you for saving me.

I don't know who I will become next. I don't know if I will ever be a mother to anyone but you.
My heart aches because I never knew you. I have tried to console myself with the thought that there wasn't really a child there. Only tonight, listening to Steph talk about Brie and Kendall, I knew differently.

I am sorry I wasn't ready to receive you. I am sorry I didn't know how to take better care of myself. I am sorry I didn't nurture you. I am sorry I didn't want you to come to our home.

I want to ask for your forgiveness, but I don't think I deserve it. I still don't want to be a mother. I still don't want to put my body through that. I still don't want you to come to my home.

For now, I am grateful for you. My life is forever different because of you.
Thank you,

your
would-have-been
mother

Cheap Grace

I stole (and by stole, I mean borrowed) BJ's book, The Five Languages of Apology, because I wanted to understand what he was trying to learn... I wanted to support and help him... and I like learning new things. I didn't think it would effect me so much.

I LOVED this part:

Genuine forgiveness and reconciliation are two-person transactions that are enabled by apologies. Some, particularly within the Christian worldview, have taught forgiveness without an apology. They often quote the words of Jesus, "If you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." Thus, they say to the wife whose husband has been unfaithful and continues in his adulterous affair, "You must forgive him, or God will not forgive you." Such an interpretation of Jesus' teachings fails to reckon with the rest of the scriptural teachings on forgiveness. The Christian is instructed to forgive others in hte same manner that God forgives us. How does God forgive us? The Scriptures say that if we confess our sins, God will forgive our sins. Nothing in the Old or New Testaments indicates that God forgives the sins of people who do not confess and repent of their sins.

When a pastor (or the damn Bishop!!!) encourages a wife to forgive her erring husband while he still continues in his wrongdoing, the minister is requiring of the wife something that God Himself does not do. Jesus' teaching is that we are to be willing to forgive, as God is always willing to forgive, those who repent. Some will object to this idea, indicating that Jesus forgave those who were killing Him. But that is not what the scriptures say. Rather, Jesus prayed, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." Jesus express His heart of compassion and His desire to see His murderers forgiven. That should be our desire and our prayer. But their forgiveness came later when they acknowledged that they had indeed killed the Son of God.

Forgiveness without an apology is often encouraged for the benefit of the forgiver rather than the benefit of the offender. When there is no apology, the Christian is encouraged to release the person to God for justice and to release one's anger to God through forbearance.

Forgiveness without requiring repentance is "cheap grace".

All those men that gave me instructions... The bishops that insisted I had to forgive, even if he was still hurting me... They just had everything out of context. They didn't understand. And that's okay. I forgive them for not knowing...

Forgiveness

My thoughts on forgiveness... specifically forgiving an abuser. Its true that forgiveness is necessary, but its at the top of a long flight of stairs. You can't just skip 20 flights of stairs. You have to walk up each step. Sometimes you can run up them, and sometimes you can skip one or two stairs, but you can't skip 20 flights. If you try, you'll fall down farther and harder and have to start lower than if you just walked up them. When people say, "Just Forgive," and other things like that, they are forgetting that it is a process and it takes time.

In the case of child sexual abuse, that abuse has truly changed our lives forever. We can never go back to the innocence of a child. We can never go back to the time when we didn't have sexual feelings. Our bodies were not ready for what the abuser did to us. So, even when we do forgive our abuser, we will still have to deal with things that a person who has never been abused can ever understand.

We can heal completely, and forgiveness is a part of that healing, but again it is a process. We can't skip up a flight of stairs. We have to progress step by step. Its so slow! It frustrates us as much (or more) than everyone watching us. We wish we could skip ahead too, but when you push us to do that, you just push us back. We fall, and then we have to deal with getting back up, and walking up the stairs we have already walked on once.

Please, be patient as we try to forgive and heal our lives.