What to say when someone is hurting: The kind of hurting I’m writing about is mostly aimed at victims of abuse and assault. I think it works everywhere though.
It isn’t easy, but I promise if you follow my advice, you will make a world of difference in others’ lives.
When someone trusts you enough to tell you they are hurting:
Have compassion. Ask questions, but don’t need answers. Know that you don’t understand no matter how much you think you do. Also know you don’t need to understand for them to feel safe. Make them feeling safe the goal.
Say, “I believe you. This isn’t your fault. You didn’t choose this. What can I do to support you?” That’s the most important. If that is all you can remember, hold on to that.
I believe you. This isn’t your fault. I want to support you.
Other possible things that you can say that might help: “Would you like advice?” is a good question. Even when someone asks for advice, I like to ask them questions. That way they find their own way. Finding our own path, our own way to heal, our connection with ourselves is the way healing happens. There are so many paths to healing and happiness. Don’t pretend you know the only one. That is arrogant and self centered.
“Would you like to talk?” and if they do, you can wait for them to say what they need to, or you could try one of these,
“What do you want to tell me?”
“How did what happened affect you?”
“What beliefs did you form or are you forming because of this?”
“How do you see yourself moving forward?”
“You know you didn’t deserve it, right?”
“You know I’m not going anywhere, right?”
Most importantly, say, as many times as you need to say it, “I don’t understand what you’re going through, but I want to.” Repeat it to yourself. Repeat it to them. This is the ONLY right response. I don’t get absolutist on much, but on this one I am 100% convinced. It would take a lot to change my mind. (Mostly because I have been presented with a lot of weak defenses against my position. You likely don’t have a new one.)
“I don’t understand what you’re going through, but I want to. It’s not your job to explain anything to me, but I’d appreciate if you’d help me understand.” It probably isn’t harmful if you say, “I feel like I understand, because I’ve been through something similar,” but if you do most of the talking, it is possibly harmful, and definitely not helpful.
We need compassion. Some of us have never known it. What you say when someone talks about their pain will be life altering for them. If you are full of compassion, empathy, and confidence in them, and your words match those feelings, you will be a catalyst for healing. If you don’t get this right, you become just another traumatic thing for them to have to heal from. Don’t do it.
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