Sink or Swim, I'm jumping in.

I'm not quite sure how to describe what is happening... My life... is being guided by a perfect hand... I can't see it. It doesn't seem to fit what I always thought was "right" but... it is.

Two years ago, I told Paul I wasn't "strong enough to do this on my own". I didn't know what I meant. I knew Dann and I needed to separate so I could find me again. I knew our relationship was toxic to both of us. I thought I was talking about how I wasn't strong enough to leave him, because the eating disorder would take over. It might have... but that is not what I meant.

I wasn't strong enough to stand up for what I felt was right. I wasn't strong enough to feel the anger that I needed to feel. I wasn't strong enough to force myself to separate. I wasn't strong enough to lay down any sort of boundaries. I wasn't strong enough to see what work needed to be done. I wasn't strong enough to tell Dann what was hurting me. I wasn't strong enough to see how much the crap from my past was effecting me.

I couldn't make good choices, because I didn't allow myself a choice. There were so many "have-to's". So, I went inpatient.

I was so blessed to have the protection of CFC to get me going. Then I had the protection of BJ to continue healing. Then I had the apartment and Bishop Campbell.

And finally, two years later, I have done enough work to get to the starting place...

Marty told BJ that the process of healing is the same process whether you choose to stay together or divorce. That makes so much sense. But I couldn't even begin this process until I found me... I'm closer than I have ever been.

I told Dann that I wanted to hang out today, but I wanted to be home before 8:00... I felt like I needed to limit the time I spent with him. That time was a bit arbitrary, but I picked it because it felt good enough.

Dann asked if that was flexible.

I felt violated. I felt so guilty for even proposing the boundary. I felt like he didn't listen to me. I felt... CRAZY! I understand that my reaction was a little overdone and dramatic. I am so not used to standing up for what I want. Even expressing it. That I honestly feel like I have done something horrible... His questions made it feel even worse, because I wasn't sure if I was being unreasonable with my request. I found myself thinking I should make it up to him for even THINKING about wanting to go home before he wanted me to...

This is going to be a lot harder than I thought...

And, yet... I can do this. I wasn't strong enough two years ago. I am strong enough now.

I don't want to hear the "crazy voice" come from me ever again. (The one where I start saying things like, "If I am just nice enough." "Its ok. He didn't mean to hurt me." "I'll be stronger, and I'll learn how to just take it.")

I will do what it takes to change me.

I can't push the river

Someone wants me to know that I need to slow down a little...

"Sensations occur in infinite variety. It may be difficult at first to have patience to allow them to come into consciousness. their pace is much slower than the pace at which most of us live our lives. This is one of the reasons that trauma develops in the first place; we don't give our natural biological rhythms the time they need to reach completion.
A sensations will transform into something else (another sensation, image, or a feeling) as you notice all its characteristics and will do so at its own pace -- you can't push the river. Becoming attuned to them and honoring them is part of this process." (p. 83)

Sometimes, I feel like this whole recovery thing is taking so long. Sometimes, I feel like I am doing something wrong because it is taking so long. Maybe I am... Maybe I am pushing myself too damn hard. Maybe I need to slow down a little, and healing will happen faster...

Funny thing, then I picked up the book on training horses, and read about the same thing again.

"I guess sometimes we get so tangled up in trying to find ways to teach our horses to do things or in finding training techniques to help us solves our horse's problems, that we forget to take the most important factor into consideration -- the horse."

It talks about how if we just SLOW DOWN and pay attention to what the horse is trying to tell us, we'll make much faster progress than any specific technique can. I already know that's true. I have seen it with Sunny.

I also know its true with myself... When I stop trying to force healing, recovery, anything or everything, it just works. Hmmm... I guess I'll slow down a little...

Take a rest, then move on when you're ready

While at CFC, I got to go on one outdoor activity. We were supposed to go repelling. I am not sure how, but I convinced Kortney to let me go. As we started hiking up, I was tired, I was dizzy, I had to rest.

I asked Clair, "I know its good to rest when I need to rest, but isn't it also good to push yourself? I mean, if I just let my body rest when it wanted to, I would never go anywhere or do anything..."

Her reply has stuck with me for a year now. She said, "If you are hiking and you start telling yourself, just a little farther, and you have to give yourself major pep-talks to keep your feet moving, and you aren't enjoying the hike anymore, take a rest, then move on when you're ready."

We did that. We rested a lot. We moved a lot slower than I had ever moved on a hike before. And, I had a great time! (We also got lost, and ended up hiking much farther than we needed. By the time we caught up to the group, I had missed repelling... It was worth it though. I found I could hike a lot if I just took it slow.)

Since then, I have found that idea works in life. I am really good at convincing myself to endure things I don't HAVE to endure. I can keep going when it seems impossible. However, I don't enjoy life. I miss out on things, and it usually isn't helpful.

Seeing her tonight, reminded me, and it was a good reminder. It is actually okay to rest... as often as I need, and I'll make it much farther than if I try to run up the mountain.

Center for Change alumni

Today was the Center for Change alumni event. It was supposed to be all day... I was overwhelmed at the idea of spending all day there, and I had work to do. My plan was to go at 1-2 ish... I got there at 5.

I got to hug several friends. I got to look in their eyes, and see how hard they are fighting. I got to be with people who understand me, and I don't really have to say anything.

Dr. B. came and sat next to me during dinner, gave me a hug, and then another hug (from Randy Hardman). I love that man! I love how gentle he is. I love how kind he is. I love how... himself... he is. He spoke on spirituality and recovery.

The two things that stuck out to me the most were, Listen to your heart (and the research that supports that the heart actually has its own neuro-activity). He's been telling people to listen to their hearts for at least the last twelve years, and probably longer. The second thing was to develop the language of spirituality, so you can understand how it speaks to you.

I thought of all of the quotes, the little promptings, the phone calls from friends, the music lyrics, and just the amazing miracles that I have experienced that have kept me moving along.

Jenni Shaefer spoke and sang her new song. She did awesome! She talked about how she had stopped playing the guitar ten years ago, because she wasn't good enough, blah, blah, blah. Then, this year, she started taking lessons. It was a good story. She was reminding us to pursue our passions, and I thought about how different I am... I am pursuing all kinds of new things: I wrote a song (and am writing more), I am drawing, I am horseback riding, I am singing, I auditioned for a play (and plan to audition again), I am designing ties, I am reading a ton of different books on different subjects (when I can concentrate long enough to read), I am playing with poetry, and I am sure I will add more new things to my repertoire as time goes on. Two years ago, I was working, and that's it.

There was a sharing session, but I ditched out again - I chose to sit next to a friend, who I love tons, and I just wanted to hear everything from. (Yes, you! I want to hear all that you have to say, and I can't get enough of your words, your wisdom, your heart! Sorry, I am not so good at subtlety, especially when I am writing...)

I was challenged to sit in the big cushy chair - the one I never sat in the whole time I was at CFC... at least not when there were other people who needed the chair more than I did. I took the challenge, and it didn't kill me. No one else seemed to be TOO uncomfortable. (I expect someone else to sit in that chair next time though!) We sang the new CFC choir song... I might be a little biased, but I do believe ours was much better!

We finished the night with a drumming circle. Beating things was nice.

And as is tradition, we finished the night with the song,

"Listen, Listen, Listen to my heartsong.
Listen, Listen, Listen to my heartsong.
I will never forget you, I will never forsake you.
I will never forget you, I will never forsake you."

It took me a while. Then, all of a sudden, I heard myself singing. I heard Lauren singing. I heard the women around me, and my heart started jumping, screaming, and making all kinds of noise inside me.

I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I wanted all of that "stuff" inside to get out and stop plaguing me... I couldn't believe there was still so much stuck... after all this time, after all this work. I'm glad I was there, and I'm frustrated.

I told Rita I wanted to help plan next year's alumni event... so I expect all of my friends to be there if at all humanly possible. Be aware, I will probably stoop to such horrible things as guilt trips, holding things ransom, and idle threats. I decided we should do a "talent show" of sorts - let everyone share their talents and passions. Again, beware... no one is safe.

The Marathon

I have often thought about recovery as a race. Its a race against time. Its a race against my own emotions. Its a race against opponents I can't see and don't understand. Mostly, its a race against myself.

I want to win! And I would like to win NOW!

Sometimes, I get in my mind if I just run fast enough, I will get done quicker. I will push extra hard, sprint to the end. Only the end is not as close as I would like it to be, and I exhaust myself (and everyone around me). I get a glimpse of the finish line, and I want to be there, but its still a long ways off.

I am running a marathon. I can't sprint my way through it. I need to be patient. I need to work and push hard, and I also need to take long strides. Otherwise, I will never finish. I am in this for the long-haul, and that means sometimes I have to slow down... even when it is painfully hard to do so.

I will win! I won't give up, and I still can't sprint to the finish line.

* Richard G. Scott, “Trust in the Lord,” Ensign, Nov 1995

(Excerpts)

Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously. When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more (see Prov. 3:11–12). He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit. To get you from where you are to where He wants you to be requires a lot of stretching, and that generally entails discomfort and pain.

When you face adversity, you can be led to ask many questions. Some serve a useful purpose; others do not. To ask, Why does this have to happen to me? Why do I have to suffer this, now? What have I done to cause this? will lead you into blind alleys. It really does no good to ask questions that reflect opposition to the will of God. Rather ask, What am I to do? What am I to learn from this experience? What am I to change? Whom am I to help? How can I remember my many blessings in times of trial? Willing sacrifice of deeply held personal desires in favor of the will of God is very hard to do. Yet, when you pray with real conviction, “Please let me know Thy will” and “May Thy will be done,” you are in the strongest position to receive the maximum help from your loving Father.

Your Father in Heaven and His Beloved Son love you perfectly. They would not require you to experience a moment more of difficulty than is absolutely needed for your personal benefit or for that of those you love.

I testify that when the Lord closes one important door in your life, He shows His continuing love and compassion by opening many other compensating doors through your exercise of faith. He will place in your path packets of spiritual sunlight to brighten your way. They often come after the trial has been the greatest, as evidence of the compassion and love of an all-knowing Father. They point the way to greater happiness, more understanding, and strengthen your determination to accept and be obedient to His will.

True enduring happiness with the accompanying strength, courage, and capacity to overcome the most challenging difficulties comes from a life centered in Jesus Christ. Obedience to His teachings provides a sure foundation upon which to build. That takes effort. There is no guarantee of overnight results, but there is absolute assurance that, in the Lord’s time, solutions will come, peace will prevail, and emptiness will be filled.

The Lord’s plan is to exalt you to live with Him and be greatly blessed. The rate at which you qualify is generally set by your capacity to mature, to grow, to love, and to give of yourself. He is preparing you to be a god. You cannot understand fully what that means, yet, He knows. As you trust Him, seek and follow His will, you will receive blessings that your finite mind cannot understand here on earth. Your Father in Heaven and His Holy Son know better than you what brings happiness. They have given you the plan of happiness. As you understand and follow it, happiness will be your blessing. As you willingly obey, receive, and honor the ordinances and covenants of that holy plan, you can have the greatest measure of satisfaction in this life. Yes, even times of overpowering happiness. You will prepare yourself for an eternity of glorious life with your loved ones who qualify for that kingdom

Flashbacks are changing

Last night's flashbacks were different. I don't know how to use words to describe it. Most nights, I lay there full of pain and feel completely helpless against what is happening. I still felt helpless, but I felt something inside me beginning to fight back.

I saw myself laying on the bed stiff as board and panicked with my ex-husband on top of me. And then my mind said, I don't HAVE to do that. You deserve better than that. THAT is not sex or love - that is RAPE, and it is NOT OK!

Then I saw myself standing in the kitchen begging him not to go - trying to convince him that he was right, I was wrong, and that I could change. Again, my mind said, That's not right! You are lying. It is not ok that he just did that to you. He should be ashamed - not you. I felt compassion for the woman standing there looking and feeling so desperate. I felt sad for her, and I just wanted to put my arms around her and let her know she deserved better than that.

I saw myself sleeping in bed. The Ex reached for me, started touching and humping me. In my mind, I pushed him away and told him NO! Leave me alone! You can't have me. This is my body, and my choice. Get away!

The memories haven't changed. They still hurt. They still leave me feeling disgusting, gross, helpless, guilty, and ashamed. But there are new thoughts associated with the memories. They leave me feeling stronger, triumphant, beautiful, and like I am an amazing woman. That is a lot of conflicting things for one brain to handle.

Then tonight, Melissa was talking about her friend Brianne, and Brianne's abusive father. She told a story of one time Brianne's dad nearly killer her brother. For one brief instant, I felt the fear, the guilt, the anger, and the confusion that I felt that night when I was fourteen. Then, the memory passed and I was grateful things weren't like that anymore.

I imagine all of these flashbacks will be like that one day. It might hurt for a second, but then it will pass just as quickly. All of this will be just memories, and nothing more. It is all changing, and it is exciting!

Be not afraid of going slowly, be afraid only of standing still

This is from an email newsletter I got today... I guess I really, REALLY need to learn to be patient...

Do you ever get frustrated because things are moving too slowly in your life? Many people don't realize that building a foundation for success does not happen overnight. It is a slow process in which you are constantly working and learning. After all, that foundation must remain strong, even in times of failure or crisis. This takes time! You may have to remind yourself that "failing" is only failure if you quit; otherwise it's a learning opportunity. So don't worry if your life seems to be moving in slow motion. Concentrate on building a solid foundation and learning from your back steps.

Forgiveness

My thoughts on forgiveness... specifically forgiving an abuser. Its true that forgiveness is necessary, but its at the top of a long flight of stairs. You can't just skip 20 flights of stairs. You have to walk up each step. Sometimes you can run up them, and sometimes you can skip one or two stairs, but you can't skip 20 flights. If you try, you'll fall down farther and harder and have to start lower than if you just walked up them. When people say, "Just Forgive," and other things like that, they are forgetting that it is a process and it takes time.

In the case of child sexual abuse, that abuse has truly changed our lives forever. We can never go back to the innocence of a child. We can never go back to the time when we didn't have sexual feelings. Our bodies were not ready for what the abuser did to us. So, even when we do forgive our abuser, we will still have to deal with things that a person who has never been abused can ever understand.

We can heal completely, and forgiveness is a part of that healing, but again it is a process. We can't skip up a flight of stairs. We have to progress step by step. Its so slow! It frustrates us as much (or more) than everyone watching us. We wish we could skip ahead too, but when you push us to do that, you just push us back. We fall, and then we have to deal with getting back up, and walking up the stairs we have already walked on once.

Please, be patient as we try to forgive and heal our lives.