Moving Along

There is a story of a young, but earnest Zen student who approached his teacher, and asked the Master, "If I work very hard and diligently, how long will it take for me to find Zen?"
The Master thought about this, then replied, "Ten years." 

The student then said, "But what if I work very, very hard and really apply myself to learn fast -- How long then?"
Replied the Master, "Well, twenty years."
"But, if I really, really work at it, how long then?" asked the student.
"Thirty years," replied the Master.
"But, I do not understand," said the disappointed student. "At each time that I say I will work harder, you say it will take me longer. Why do you say that?" 

Replied the Master, "When you have one eye on the goal, you only have one eye on the path."

Its strange, that is how healing from all of the crap is: The harder I work, the farther away I get. The more I just, "let it be," the more it just goes.

A few days ago, I was having a rough time. I asked BJ when it would stop hurting. He replied, "When you come down off the ceiling." (He is referring to the perspective I have in my own flashbacks. It is as if, I am on the ceiling watching it happen. I can't see his face, only his back. Although it FEELS as if its happening to me, it LOOKS as if it is happening to some other person. Strange to try to explain...)

And with that, I was gone. Conscious of the fact that I was screaming, crying, and kicking. Aware that the emotions and pain were so intense, I thought I was going to jump out of my skin. Also aware, that I was going to survive the pain, and this was exactly what I needed to go through.

Waking the Tiger talks about dual consciousness: allowing myself to dissociate, and being aware of what is happening when I do. Experiencing everything that I didn't think I could handle to experience back then.

For a long time, I think I walked around dissociated and in the past for days at a time. Now, it is minutes at a time. I can't keep track of the time I am "out". BJ does. This time, 20-30 minutes. I cried, and then everything was okay. I was relaxed enough to talk, laugh, enjoy life again.

I am grateful. SO grateful for all that is happening in my life.
Its pretty amazing.

Marathon Session

Paul...

His first question, "Have you slept at all since I saw you last?"
Yes... of course I have slept since I saw you last, but not a whole lot... And even when I do, its so... I mean, I sweat more in my sleep than I ever did as an over-exerciser.

Then he did the unthinkable. Sometimes he can just be so CRUEL. He told me to lay down and get comfortable.

Who's comfortable? Yours or mine?? He thinks comfortable is sprawling out on the couch. I think comfortable is curling up in a ball and hugging a pillow. He let me get MY comfortable.

He's been reading Waking the Tiger. The assignment from the book I never did? Because it freaked me out so DAMN MUCH!?! He asked those questions, "How do you know THIS is comfortable?" "What do you feel in your body?" and (not from the book), "Why are you crying?"

I don't know why I'm crying... except that I feel like crying... welcome to laying down with Jen... I wish I could remember his other questions, because they were so much better than they used to be. They got me to that incredibly yucky, overwhelming, need to go there, DON'T WANNA, place.

I was both confused and cognizant at the same time. At moments, I was crying, "NO!" and then the next moment explaining to him what was happening. When he asked questions about things that weren't related, I could tell him he was going in the wrong direction... however, I couldn't tell him what he should be asking... but I could tell him that I couldn't tell him what he should be asking... Poor Paul... Its a wonder he doesn't go insane.

Eventually, everything in me started to shake and I sobbed, "I want them to hurt. Sometimes everyone. Sometimes specific people. I want them to hurt like I hurt. I want them to feel what it feels like to have your whole world ripped apart. I want them to know how it feels to be physically split apart because he forces himself where he shouldn't go. I want them to know what it feels like to go through all of that in their home with a person that is supposed to love and protect them. I want them to know what it feels like to feel that terror. I want them to hurt: physically, emotionally, mentally. I want all of those people who's worst trials are whether or not they will pass math to KNOW what I feel. I want all of those people that judge me for not doing what they think I should to UNDERSTAND like I understand..."

He cried. Paul cried! He told me that it was not only okay that I feel all those things, but it is natural. And although I may want to show them by putting them through that, I don't have to. My words just might help them understand. I put it it well enough for him to understand.

And then we talked about the Anger I feel, but can't feel all at the same time... and the fear of that Anger. And I don't want to be that person... and I don't know how to not be... I am so hurt and so angry, and I don't want to hurt anyone, but I do... and...

He said it made sense that I would feel that so black and white. I am either the Victim or the Rapist. He promised there was an in-between. A "Righteous Indignation" that would be where God really is.

He gave me the assignment to look up scriptures and resources on "Righteous Indignation". Find information on when its okay to stand up for yourself.

Does that even exist? I told him I had never looked up that term, but I had looked up "Women's Rights" on the church's website, and I only found a bunch of trash. Stuff like, "Stop talking about women's rights and talk about responsibilities and opportunities." It even included the "opportunity" to give sex when you didn't want to. And serve your spouse. And the "right to say no is not as important as the opportunity to say yes."

He told me that one day he saw me teaching people. There is an avalanche of "stuff" being taught that God lets his people teach, because there is some good, but there is also a lot that needs to be changed and "tempered". I have a special ability to do that.

I confused him by smiling. If I had not been raised in the home I was raised in; If I did not have to learn how to "mediate" to protect my brother; I would not be able to to talk with the calm that I do now. There is a lot of emotion that I need to feel. (I need to NOT be the calm mediator that lacks emotions just so people will listen. I NEED TO YELL AND SHOUT AND SCREAM!) Still... I do have an ability to speak so others can listen. I would not have that if I had not HAD to have that when I was very young.

I had one of those "see-the-big-picture-and-all-that-I-can-do-because-of-the-crap" moments. I don't think for a second God wanted me to be hurt, but He did know me well enough to know who I could become because of it.

Not sure if its possible to feel COMPLETELY wiped out, and energized at the same time, but I do.

I can't push the river

Someone wants me to know that I need to slow down a little...

"Sensations occur in infinite variety. It may be difficult at first to have patience to allow them to come into consciousness. their pace is much slower than the pace at which most of us live our lives. This is one of the reasons that trauma develops in the first place; we don't give our natural biological rhythms the time they need to reach completion.
A sensations will transform into something else (another sensation, image, or a feeling) as you notice all its characteristics and will do so at its own pace -- you can't push the river. Becoming attuned to them and honoring them is part of this process." (p. 83)

Sometimes, I feel like this whole recovery thing is taking so long. Sometimes, I feel like I am doing something wrong because it is taking so long. Maybe I am... Maybe I am pushing myself too damn hard. Maybe I need to slow down a little, and healing will happen faster...

Funny thing, then I picked up the book on training horses, and read about the same thing again.

"I guess sometimes we get so tangled up in trying to find ways to teach our horses to do things or in finding training techniques to help us solves our horse's problems, that we forget to take the most important factor into consideration -- the horse."

It talks about how if we just SLOW DOWN and pay attention to what the horse is trying to tell us, we'll make much faster progress than any specific technique can. I already know that's true. I have seen it with Sunny.

I also know its true with myself... When I stop trying to force healing, recovery, anything or everything, it just works. Hmmm... I guess I'll slow down a little...

Le Sigh

I had a session with Paul that didn't go so well... I suddenly understood how the idea of "false memories" could be a real thing. I was vulnerable, upset, and... well... his questions were not the helpful kind.

I met with him a few days later, and told him he couldn't ask questions like that... EVER... I told him to get the book, "Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma." I got stuck in the book a few months ago... some of the assignments freaked me out, however, the philosophy behind the book seems the truest of anything I have heard. It talks about how trauma is not caused by a triggering event, but by the residual energy left over. With that definition, ANYTHING could be trauma, and therefore could cause the bizarre symptoms I experience. The book talks about releasing that energy: physically and emotionally, and becoming aware of myself enough to know what I need to heal.

I haven't read it for a while, because it is HARD, and triggering, and... I wasn't ready yet. Now, I'm ready. This is what has stuck out to me today:

"If you want to learn to use the felt sense, and especially if you want to learn to use the felt sense to resolve trauma, you must learn how to recognize the physiological manifestations that underlie your emotional reactions. Sensations come from symptoms, and symptoms come from compressed energy; that energy is what we have to work with in this process. Through sensations and the felt sense, this vast energy can gradually be decompressed and harnessed for the purpose of transforming trauma.
Again, remember to be gentle, to take it slow and easy, and don't attach any kind of interpretation or judgment to what you experience. Just let whatever you experience move you through to the next experience." (p. 76)

The first paragraph described the process I am currently IN. I am trying to recognize the sensations and the emotions and learning how to decompress the energy... and... The second paragraph is the kind of reminder I need CONSTANTLY, because I seem to forget...

"If an image of a horrifying scene shows up in your mind's eye, ever so gently notice what sensations come with it. Sometimes, when sensations are intense, images come first. The sensation is ultimately what will help you move through the trauma -- whatever it is. You may end up knowing what it is and you may not. For now, just be reassured that as you move through your reactions, the need to know whether it was real or not will loosen its grip." (p. 78)

Sometimes, with Paul's need to know what HAPPENED, I get really confused. I don't need to know WHAT happened, I just want to heal and understand how to heal.

"Be aware that the energies of trauma can be bound up in beliefs about being raped or abused. By challenging these beliefs, especially if they aren't true, some of that energy may be released. If this is the case for you, rest and give yourself plenty of time to process this new information. Stay with the sensations you experience as much as possible, and don't be alarmed if you feel tremulous or weak. Both are evidence that normal discharge is happening. Don't force yourself to do more than you can handle. If you feel tired, take a nap or go to bed early. Part of the grace of the nervous system is that it is constantly self-regulating. What you can't process today will be available to be processed some other time when you are stronger, more resourceful, and better able to do it." (p. 79)

First, I DON'T NEED TO REST! I can handle it!!!
Second, what if my body won't let me go to bed early... I mean... it continues to freak out. Do you know how hard it is to sleep while all of that is going on? And Dann moves and I suddenly feel so afraid? And even while I am sleeping... the night terrors and nightmares? What do I do then??
Third, I KNOW things happen just when they are supposed to. I feel overwhelmed, but I have rarely been overwhelmed with too much to process at once. That's really cool.

"One mistake that is made all too often is that people interpret these visual communications as reality. A traumatized individual may end up believing that he or she was raped or tortured when the actual message the organism is trying to convey is that this sensation you are experiencing FEELS like rape or torture. The actual culprit could just as easily have been a terrifying medical procedure, an automobile accident, or even childhood neglect. It could literally be anything.
Of course, some images really are memories. People who have suffered from rape or torture will draw on those experiences in producing images. It is common for children who have had these experiences not to remember them until years later. Even if the images are "true" memories, we have to understand their role in healing.
The explanation, beliefs, and interpretations connected with memories can get in the way of completely entering and deepening the felt sense. The sensations that accompany these images are immensely valuable." (p. 81)

There are a few things I know... But there are a lot of things I don't know. I like that I don't have to know. I don't have to know if the images that come are memories or just my brain's way of trying to explain how it felt. I like it. It feels reassuring and calming and... I am not as afraid of what might come.

"For now, it is more important to focus on what you experience rather than on what you think about it." (p. 81)

It is such a relief reading all of this, and I feel strangely hopeful... like...
"I can do this!"