Complete: I own all of me.

When I came downstairs this morning, BJ looked at me and said, "You look different."

At first I thought about how emotionally and physically exhausted I feel, but that's not it. I FEEL different. I haven't talked much about DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder), and it hasn't really been a part of my life for a while. At the same time, I've known there was one more piece.

I called it The Rapist.
It was the part of me that held sexuality, anger, rage, the primal instincts to hunt, an aggressor.

I spent much of my life believing I was an object to serve others. I wasn't even allowed to defend myself against anything. Anger was bad. BAD. BAD. BAD. Only monsters felt angry, and only really big monsters did anything with that anger.

(Once upon a time, I informed BJ that if we were ever attacked by a bear while we were riding, I would let the bear kill me, because I didn't want to hurt it. He asked if I would hurt the bear to save him, and my answer was, "No. I'll just get the bear to eat me, so you can get away.")

I learned it was okay to feel anger, because that helped to keep me safe. I learned it was okay to defend myself... but my defenses were mostly to avoid and to hide. Those defenses are good defenses. (Especially since I'm small. It would be darn right silly for me to try to take on a bear.) I still was not allowed to even think about anything besides defending myself. There was also a part of me always waiting for the other person to act before I could decide how I would act.

Something in me has changed once again. It is okay to go on the offense sometimes. It is okay to make a choice and act on what I want. I am still not a violent person. Can't even imagine hitting another person... or an animal.. maybe a tennis racket to a couch cushion :) sometimes. I will never try to hurt someone else. I hope I will always be aware of how I am affecting others, but... It is okay that I feel angry. It is okay that I feel violent. It is okay to want. To go after what I want. To hunt. I am a wild woman, and I don't have to pretend that I am not.

I'm having a hard time using my words...Something is just different. I'm more whole. All of the pieces that used to be broken apart are now together as one person.

I'm whole. I own every part of me.

Briefly describe a miraculous event that happened to you in your life.

A friend posted this question as his status (I love facebook):
"Briefly describe a miraculous event that happened to you in your life."

 And this is my response:
"It's hard for me to describe the miracles without the understanding of the pain. I don't want to sound dramatic, but I had a lifetime of abuse that lead to fear, guilt and shame so huge, it's a miracle I'm still alive.
I had just what I needed to find my way out of the pain.

Miracles included: Splintering myself into different personalities, so the different personalities could hold the pain until I was ready to integrate myself, being able to go through flashbacks so I could remember what happened, understand it and accept it, trusting myself and others when it felt impossible, finding the right books, friends, and therapist at the exact right moment, somehow finding a way to love and accept myself, and so much more. I felt like each step to my own healing and recovery was shown to me just as I needed it. I didn't have the wisdom, but there was Love and Wisdom that guided me.

Because I wanted to hear it back then, I will say, my miracles didn't come because I was "worthy" or a member of a certain religion, or for any other reason than life is miraculous, and we are all deserving of Love, Wisdom, and Miracles."

Moving Along

There is a story of a young, but earnest Zen student who approached his teacher, and asked the Master, "If I work very hard and diligently, how long will it take for me to find Zen?"
The Master thought about this, then replied, "Ten years." 

The student then said, "But what if I work very, very hard and really apply myself to learn fast -- How long then?"
Replied the Master, "Well, twenty years."
"But, if I really, really work at it, how long then?" asked the student.
"Thirty years," replied the Master.
"But, I do not understand," said the disappointed student. "At each time that I say I will work harder, you say it will take me longer. Why do you say that?" 

Replied the Master, "When you have one eye on the goal, you only have one eye on the path."

Its strange, that is how healing from all of the crap is: The harder I work, the farther away I get. The more I just, "let it be," the more it just goes.

A few days ago, I was having a rough time. I asked BJ when it would stop hurting. He replied, "When you come down off the ceiling." (He is referring to the perspective I have in my own flashbacks. It is as if, I am on the ceiling watching it happen. I can't see his face, only his back. Although it FEELS as if its happening to me, it LOOKS as if it is happening to some other person. Strange to try to explain...)

And with that, I was gone. Conscious of the fact that I was screaming, crying, and kicking. Aware that the emotions and pain were so intense, I thought I was going to jump out of my skin. Also aware, that I was going to survive the pain, and this was exactly what I needed to go through.

Waking the Tiger talks about dual consciousness: allowing myself to dissociate, and being aware of what is happening when I do. Experiencing everything that I didn't think I could handle to experience back then.

For a long time, I think I walked around dissociated and in the past for days at a time. Now, it is minutes at a time. I can't keep track of the time I am "out". BJ does. This time, 20-30 minutes. I cried, and then everything was okay. I was relaxed enough to talk, laugh, enjoy life again.

I am grateful. SO grateful for all that is happening in my life.
Its pretty amazing.

Oh the irony...

I was reading my DID book... Dann wanted to talk...

"Well... sometimes... you get so angry, and its like another person takes over. That person is just so CRUEL, and I know its not you, and I don't know how to handle that person."

I looked down at the book I was reading, looked back up at him, and I laughed. I couldn't help it. Apparently, this book is exactly what I need right now...

so THAT'S why

In the DID book, the author is talking about somatic flashbacks (body memories). She explains that our conscious memory is termed explicit memory. It is the kind of memory we use for recalling facts and events or any information from the past that is consciously available.
Implicit memory, however, is the memory in which you know something but do not remember how you know.

"...behaviors and attitudes that have simply become "a part of you." Because implicit memory is thought to be involved in the processing of strong emotions, it is understandable why some traumatic memory might be experienced primarily as emotion or physical sensations rather than as concrete vocabulary."

That is what happens EVERYDAY. My body experiences a lot that I don't fully understand. I feel sensations and pain and... Then I feel emotions... fear, anger, panic, disgust at myself, homesick, etc.

"As we make sense of our lives, we fill in the blanks of our memories and create an ever-changing narrative of who we are in the midst of our life experiences. It appears, however, that traumatic memory does not change significantly over time, which is one reason flashbacks and unexplainable bodily sensations can create such a sense of panic as they begin to emerge."

Yep!!That's it. It so confusing to FEEL all that while I am in the present, but not... but...
I wish I could explain this better...

If he says so...

On Paul's suggestion, I'm diving in to "The Dissociative Identity Sourcebook."

BLAH!

In the first chapter it talks about what DID really looks like as compared to what the media portrays it:

"The major indicators of DID generally include such characteristics as inner voices, nightmares, panic attacks, depression, eating disorders, body memories, loss of time, handwriting differences, differences in appearance, and severe headaches..."

Is there any one of those things that I don't have??
DID is about survival.

"It allows strong, and often conflicting, emotions to be kept in separate compartments in the mind."

I knew that. I think everyone does it to a small degree. Although it is possible to feel both happy and sad at the same time, many people don't. To most, its a matter of "focusing on the positive," and therefore only feeling the positive. Our society pushes people to DID...

Dissociative Identity Disorder

Congrats to me! I have the diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID).

I got off the phone with Paul this morning feeling very sad and discouraged. Although I have told Paul in the past, "I don't care what the diagnosis is. I will accept anything... just help me!"

I meant it - if diagnosing the problem helps us know how to solve the problem, then I am all for it.

However, I know that a problem like DID takes a lot of work to overcome. I have come a long ways, and I have made incredible progress. It just made me see how far I still have to do. That was very discouraging.

After meeting with Paul, I felt a little better. I don't completely fit DID, because I don't have different personalities. I just have emotions that take over completely.

Even Jenni - the seven year old girl - was just a part of me. She was innocent, loving, and she just wanted to be loved and protected. She was a little easier to let out than the angry Jen. It was easy to let her become part of me. I wanted to be more childlike. I wanted to be more loved. Angry Jen... I don't like her as much. She frightens me. She frightens the other part of me too.

I think Angry Jen tries to come out a lot, and that is why I end up crying on the floor. The other fragment of me becomes terrified of the anger, and curls up in a ball and cries.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say. I am just trying to get my thoughts out coherently. I don't think its working.