Monday, April 13, 2009

Dissociative Identity Disorder

Congrats to me! I have the diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID).

I got off the phone with Paul this morning feeling very sad and discouraged. Although I have told Paul in the past, "I don't care what the diagnosis is. I will accept anything... just help me!"

I meant it - if diagnosing the problem helps us know how to solve the problem, then I am all for it.

However, I know that a problem like DID takes a lot of work to overcome. I have come a long ways, and I have made incredible progress. It just made me see how far I still have to do. That was very discouraging.

After meeting with Paul, I felt a little better. I don't completely fit DID, because I don't have different personalities. I just have emotions that take over completely.

Even Jenni - the seven year old girl - was just a part of me. She was innocent, loving, and she just wanted to be loved and protected. She was a little easier to let out than the angry Jen. It was easy to let her become part of me. I wanted to be more childlike. I wanted to be more loved. Angry Jen... I don't like her as much. She frightens me. She frightens the other part of me too.

I think Angry Jen tries to come out a lot, and that is why I end up crying on the floor. The other fragment of me becomes terrified of the anger, and curls up in a ball and cries.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say. I am just trying to get my thoughts out coherently. I don't think its working.


  1. It's good to know what the diagnosis is so you can figure out how to make everything better. I don't know much about DID but I'm sure I'll come to understand better what it means. When you explained it to me it helped me make a lot more sense out of what I'd seen you say and do.

  2. Sometime you should explain to me exactly what DID is. All I know I gather from your post, in traditional cases there are multiple personalities? But, in your case it's more of fragmented emotions that take control?