Saturday, April 4, 2009

What does it mean to heal?

I sleep at night. I'm present in the "now" and not always dissociating and flashing back to "then". I can laugh, really laugh, without feeling the deep ache in my chest. I don't feel dirty all of the time. I can do things "normal" people do: go to church, go to work, anything. I taste something other than tears, and feel something other than pain. I can let Dann hold me, and not even think about it. I can feel loved and not feel ashamed. I can eat without wishing that I wasn't. I want to get out of bed more days than I don't want to. I don't feel afraid to sleep. I don't feel afraid all of the time. I can think about something besides sex, rape, pain, etc. I am independent and don't need people like I do now. I am not a burden. I am not constantly fighting the desire to give up and die. I want to live.

I long to forget, but I am pretty sure that will never happen. I long to be innocent and naive and that won't happen either. Instead, I guess I just want it to go back to the past where it belongs, and I want it to stay there...

1 comment:

  1. I think that is a good definition of what healing is like. You won't forget, but you'll reach a point where you don't have to think about it either.