I went to Jen's baby shower with Mom and Mellen tonight. I really didn't want to go, but I knew mom wanted me to. I love her - I knew it would mean a lot to her if I went. I also knew if I went, Mellen would go. I chose to go.
The whole time I was there, my body was in pain, and I felt the sensations of being raped. I felt sick to my stomach, and I just wanted to get away.
I realized that whenever I do even the smallest thing that I don't want, but that will make someone else happy, I experience the pains. Even something as stupid as a baby shower feels like I am being raped if I don't want to be there.
I know that sometimes it is completely ok to choose to do something I don't want, because it will make someone else feel happy, or loved, or whatever. I guess I am not there yet.
How do I get to the point that I can take care of me, and love others? How do I do things for them, without feeling like I am being taken advantage of? How can I change this??