Sunday, April 5, 2009

Letter of hope

I have come a very long ways. I have gone through things and experienced things that I couldn't have ever imagined. When I walked into CFC, I knew that I could change my behaviors and stop acting out on the eating disorder. I hoped I could find healing and recovery from not only the eating disorder but from the trauma I had experienced earlier in my life.

I chose to go to CFC, because I knew I couldn't go on living with those things constantly hanging over my head. I also knew that I didn't know enough to overcome it on my own.

The timing was perfect. I was afraid going in that I would be surrounded by people who wanted to cling to their eating disorders. I was amazed at the women that were there with me. Every one of them were fighting hard to overcome, they were open and honest, and I am so grateful that I got to know all of those amazing women.

I was willing to work hard. I thought that if I just worked hard for 3-6 months, I would be completely healed. I wouldn't have flashbacks, pains, anxieties, or the eating disorder. I was very wrong. That was incredibly hard for me to face.

When I left CFC, and I wasn't "recovered" yet, I was scared and worried. Somehow, I kept fighting. I kept working at overcoming the things from my past. I wanted to be free from the power those things had over me, and I wanted true healing.

Since leaving CFC, I have researched different healing and therapies that I can do both with professionals and on my own. It has amazed me that every single thing I have found, I have had at least a little experience with at CFC. They truly taught me everything I needed to know, and I just had to bring that knowledge out to the real world.

I am grateful for the experiences I had at CFC. I am so blessed and so lucky to have had the opportunity! I am so grateful that now I have the opportunity to keep learning and growing on my own too.

The future is bright. I don't know how long it will take, and I am not sure what it will take, but I know I will find complete healing and recovery. The things that I have learned in the past year have changed me and made me into a better, stronger woman.

The changes have all been very gradual. I had hoped that I would wakeup and be "recovered" Instead, it has come little by little, and at the perfect pace. (Although, I must admit no tempo would really be fast enough for me!) I have talked about things that I have never been willing to talk about before. I have felt fears and anxieties, and decided to go forward through them. I have learned to relax and enjoy myself without doing anything. I have made friends that truly know ME. I have developed a deeper more loving relationship with my husband. I am learning to trust myself.

I fear that this letter does not have the hope I want to share. I want to share what I know. I KNOW there is a reason for me to keep fighting. I KNOW there are amazing things waiting for me, and I have experienced many of them so far. I KNOW I am finding my way out of the depths I have lived in my entire life. I KNOW it will come, and it will be better than I can even imagine right now. I KNOW that the Lord has a plan for me. I KNOW He knows me so well, and loves me so much, He already knows what I need before I need it. He has a plan in place, and I will follow that plan. He wants me to be happy, so I know I will be. He wants me to feel joy and peace in my life, and so I know I will.

I have come so far already, and I know there is much more journey ahead of me.

I am excited to see what comes next.

1 comment:

  1. I really liked the paragraph about how you KNOW that you are moving forward and finding healing. That is awesome. Keep it up.