Loaded Words: Gratitude

"What are you grateful for?"

It seems like an innocent and helpful question. Nobody means harm when they ask it - however the question fills me with sadness and maybe a little anger. 

At the very worst time in my life, a time that was so dark and so painful, I am impressed with myself for living through it, I got asked that question a lot. 

I always came up with something: some "tender mercy" that made other people feel better about me or my life. 

The reality for me was, it felt like I was digging through three tons of crap to find a couple of M&M's The digging was awful. It stunk. It was hard work. I had to look so hard for the stupid little tiny pieces of chocolate, but once I'd found the M&M's, was I supposed to eat them? I didn't want them. They didn't make ME feel any better, but people around me sometimes seemed to pretend like these crap-covered chocolate pieces were a ten course meal. I was so blessed and so lucky to find them. 

My life was too painful, and I lacked the ability or the awareness to really express it at the time, but it felt awful. I felt like I was being masked over, asked to hide or disappear. Instead of feeling loved or supported, I felt very very alone. 

Todd and I have been talking about ways to bring mindfulness to our meals. He had the idea to list things we are grateful for before we eat. It sounded like a good idea, and I was all for it. And then he asked me what I was grateful for as we sat down to eat dinner, and I just cried. 

It felt like he was asking me to pretend and hide: to disappear and only show him what was acceptable and not what IS. 

In my tears, I could easily recognize my feelings are not based in the present. I have much to be grateful for, and I am very grateful for a lot. Sometimes, I still just need to cry for what was. 

As a survivor of abuse and PTSD, eating disorder, major depression and anxiety, that question did not offer me relief or hope. It offered the people around me relief and hope. It gave them a chance to escape my reality by forcing me to comfort them. I know they meant well, but it really hurt. 

It would have meant so much more for people to ask me about what I wanted to tell them, because most of the time I would have chosen to say sugar-coated sweet "positive" things to protect them. It meant a ton to me when people let me share my pain with them without expecting me to sugar coat it with gratitude s and "tender mercies".

what do you Really want?

Ordaining Women has been all over my Facebook, the news, blogs, etc. My family and friends all have opinions, and very few of them agree completely on the issue.

Last week, I wrote about how I left the church because it was an abusive relationship for me. I could stay and try to change the church to be better for me, but it's not my responsibility... and the trouble with trying to change someone (or something) that I have no control over - it just doesn't go well. They don't want to be changed, they feel resentful that I am trying to change them, and who am I to decide who they should be anyway?

On a completely different note, I have had a temporary tattoo on my right arm for a year. It wears off and I replace it. Not many people have seen it, because even though it reminds me of a goal I am working on, (Still. After a year.) I am embarrassed that I am working on it.

You might think I am embarrassed, because this is a goal I have been working on for a year, and I haven't made much progress, but you'd be wrong. This is how much of a struggle this is for me. I am embarrassed to be asking myself that question. A "good" person doesn't worry about what they want. A "good" person only thinks about what everyone else wants and needs, so I don't want anyone to know that I am constantly reminding myself to think about my own wants.

Six months ago, I watched the videos of the women asking for what they wanted - to be let into a meeting. A few days ago, I watched as they gathered and asked again. There weren't as many cameras there this time, but a few still caught the conversations. They asked for what they wanted. They still didn't get in, but they asked.

I've believed that even wanting something... anything... was bad. Asking is annoying and wrong and selfish. A good person doesn't do that. A good person doesn't HAVE wants, let alone ASKS... But these women belong to a church that is entirely based on asking questions. Over and over and over the church has changed because someone asked a question. Why shouldn't they be asking?

And whether they ever get what they want doesn't feel like the point today. Today, I think it must be an incredibly powerful feeling for them to ask; to hear the words spoken in their own voices. To feel supported by other women and men who care. To feel connected, even in a small way, to the woman that turned them down and asked them to listen online.

Watching them has motivated me. If I do nothing else, at least I am writing here and showing off my tattoo. I'm telling you all how hard it has been, and continues to be. I'm sharing with anyone who reads this that I am reminding myself everyday to think about my wants. Maybe one day I'll get around to asking for more too.

Party... Progress... Guilt...

I went to the CALM party a few days ago.
Started with walking in and having several people greet me with a smile and, "Jen! It's soooo good to see you!" For a girl who has felt invisible for so long, that felt good. It felt strange. I've never been hated by anyone (until recently), but I've also never been noticed. I'm aware (now) that by never letting people get to know me, they didn't know me. (Brilliant wisdom, I know.) They didn't care if I was at a party, because there was really nothing to care about.


After greeting me with my name, we exchanged hugs. It wasn't until I was driving home that I realized it hadn't been weird or freaky or upsetting. I really care about these friends, and I wanted to say hi with a hug. I wanted them in my personal space, so it wasn't upsetting to have them there. I also chose how close I let them be... (I've known for a while that as soon as I started accepting my right to choose who I let touch me, and when that I wouldn't have as many issues with touch... but for so long, I've not been able to even make the choice. If they want to hug me, they get to, whether I like it or not. It was different last night.)

A friend from eating disorder treatment, has joined this group of friends. It was very amusing to me to watch how people reacted to her endless need to take care of everyone else. I knew my behavior was odd, but it still surprised me, watching other people watching her... Her apologizing for taking up space, washing a paper cup so as not to be wasteful, trying to move out of everyone's way without them asking, etc. I laughed out loud when I saw Sean shake his head and say, "You don't have to apologize for that, you know that. Right?"

When Stacy noticed me trying to move out of her way, she told me to claim my space. I had a right to it, and then she informed me that if I ever told her to "fuck off" she'd probably clap her hands and hug me.

Why is it that I have had more than one person say that to me in the past two days?

I know the answer to that, because I know how excited I felt when Amanda told me, "I'm going to be me. I'm going to find my own way at my own pace, and if you don't like that, then fuck you." She was scared to death to say it, which I understand, and I did a happy dance for her.


This is going to sound so stupid to some people, but it was a challenge for me: I sat in the big cushy chair. I took up a whole big cushy lazy-boy-type chair while other people sat on folding chairs.

... and now... Stupid, crazy, messed up, guilt... I felt anxiety then, but I feel even more writing about it...

In my head, I hear, "The people who read your blog are going to think you're a really selfish horrible person. Why didn't you just sit in the folding chair and let someone more deserving sit in the big cushy chair? Why would you be proud of that?!?"

And out loud I just said, "Because DAMMIT. I faced a fear of mine. And because, dammit, I deserve a cushy chair as much as anyone! I don't want to go through life feeling like I don't deserve to be comfortable. Fuck that! And fuck anyone who wants me to live like that."

And now I can't remember what else I was going to write about... So, that'll be it for now.

The Exponent: Modesty

This is an old post on The Exponent, but I just read it. This is EXACTLY what I have tried to say, but never quite succeeded. The topic is modesty and the sexualization of women.

"The problem is much more radical—radical meaning a problem of roots. The underlying, root cause of the sexualization of today’s girls is the same underlying, root problem of their mother’s alleged promiscuity and inability to talk to their daughters about appropriate dress and sexual behavior.
...
And since I am Mormon and this is a feminist Mormon forum, I’m focusing on the Mormon aspect of this problem: that our culture of hypermodesty contributes to the sexualization of young girls as much as a culture of absent modesty does.
It’s very easy to fixate on the extreme of young girls and young women getting all dolled up like little prostitutes and then to scream foul at irresponsible parents and the terrible media and the evil feminists, but our own emphasis on the externalities of modesty sends the same message: females are first and foremost sexual beings, meant to attract the sexual interest of men in order to reproduce, which is, after all, the divinely sanctioned role for women (if you believe the contemporary Mormon church, anyway). Both extremes (the extreme cover up and the extreme exposure) reduce girls to their bodies—their sexual bodies and the capacity of those bodies to attract the male gaze and set off a process that ultimately leads to sex and reproduction. The fact that the Mormon version ends up with sex and reproduction within marriage does not change the fact that that is how we define women. And the fact that we think sex and reproduction within marriage is a Good does not change that defining women in such a limited fashion is Not Good.
...
The Mormon emphasis on external, clothing-oriented modesty is just another form of sexualization. We attempt to negate the sexualization of young girls’ and women’s bodies by covering them up and locking them behind the door called Chastity. But when the female body is taboo because of its inherent sexuality (a sexuality so powerful that a woman literally turns herself into pornography for some men by dressing immodestly, according to that canard advanced by Dallin Oaks), and when women are celebrated almost exclusively because of their potential as breeders and nurturers of children, then we successfully sexualize the female body every bit as much as pushing heels, padded bras, plunging necklines, and miniskirts for pre-teens does. The invisibility of the female body, or of the attributes of the female body that stand for Sex, does not mean we have refused to grant the female body a sexualized status."

(Emphasis mine. I had a hard time picking what quotes I wanted to highlight, so I copied a lot, but there's still a lot more good stuff.. Go read the whole thing at the Exponent.)

I'm not against teaching girls to love and respect their bodies. In fact, PLEASE teach that... Just understand that by telling a woman it is respectful to HIDE her body, or that she is responsible for men's thoughts about her, or that if she wears a tanktop she is "asking for it" does NOT teach love and respect. I learned to hate my body: the teachings on modesty combined with my life experience created a deep hatred for everything about my body. I tried to hide it, shrink it to nothingness, kill it, avoid it, until one day... I just had to do it differently.

I liked Amelia's final proposal:

"I have a radical proposal: the church and Mormon parents should teach girls that they have value without connecting that value to the sexiness of their bodies, their attractiveness to men, their capacity to make babies.
...
I guarantee that if we prepare our daughters to be successful, well-rounded individuals rather than spending so much effort to prepare them to fill a preconceived concept of “wife and mother,” then we’ll have a sure way to get away from both ends—extreme cover up and extreme exposure—of the sexualization spectrum. When we do so, we will see women and girls as human beings with enormous worth and potential, with wonderful things to offer the world."

Alligator Jaws

I woke up this morning feeling, "Less than."

Less than what?
EVERYTHING!

Lunch with Dann, talking about it, he said,

"You feel 'less than' when you are trying to run from or avoid a problem. Its like the alligator jaws."

The what?

"You know, in math, the greater than/less than signs. The alligator jaws. When you face them... you are greater than. When you are trying to run away from them or hide from them, you are less than."

Example:
i < (i'm hiding from the alligator)
i > (i'm facing the alligator, and i'm going to win!)

...He's actually really smart, now, WHAT AM I TRYING TO AVOID? (Just kidding. I know what I'm trying to avoid. You'll all read about it soon enough.)

Ask for what you want

BJ had planned to go riding with his dad today. This morning, he asked if I wanted to join them. My first answer, "YES!" because I never turn down an opportunity to go riding. Then, I stopped and asked, "You really want me to go with you?"

His answer, "Well... no... not exactly... and yes at the same time."
I asked him to explain. What do you want? Exactly?

He wanted me to join them for a little while - take pictures of the two of them - and then he wanted the rest of the ride just the two of them, but felt like that wasn't a reasonable request.

My plan for the day had been to take a drive up the mountains and find a spot to read and meditate.His request actually fit in perfectly to what I wanted. Ride for a bit, take pictures of the two of them, then find a spot by a stream and read or meditate.

This time, it wasn't me that was afraid to ask for what I wanted. It is still really hard for me too.
I'm afraid people will do things they don't want to do, just because I ask them. I'm afraid I ask too much, but I won't even know it's too much. There is still a part of me that believes if I get what I want, then someone else is going without and maybe hurting.

I'm so glad he asked.

It was fun taking pictures of the two of them. BJ's dad was concerned about me being alone in the mountains. I promised him I wouldn't get eaten by bears, but I couldn't promise anything about mountain lions. He looked at me like I was nuts when I told him, "I'm far more afraid of people than I will ever be of bears and mountain lions. The worst a mountain lion can do is kill you, and there are things far worse than dying."

It worked out to be the perfect day for me. The mountains were so incredibly quiet. I sat in the shade and watched the bugs crawl through the grass and trees. I put my feet in the stream and felt the REALLY cold water wash over them. I felt the sun on my shoulders. I listened to the silence and to me.

It would have been my wedding anniversary. I was worried it was going to be a hard day. No matter how "bad" the relationship was... it was never all "bad". There is sadness that it didn't turn out the way I wanted or planned. I thought I would spend a lot of the day crying, but I didn't. Instead, I just enjoyed a day with me. I'm great company. :)

I've changed a lot in the past few years. I don't believe I need a man to complete me. I don't believe marriage will (or could ever) complete me. I don't believe my happiness is dependent upon anyone else. I no longer feel sad that things didn't work out the way I planned - they worked out so much better than I ever could have planned or dreamed.

Indiscriminate Self Sacrifice

This morning on Everyday Joy, they were talking about the movie Avatar. In the chatroom, someone shared that they didn't like the movie. I loved it... It was a big deal for me... I SAW people defend themselves, and I didn't feel like that was bad. I wasn't angry at the people for trying to protect their world.

I shared that in the chatroom... It was such a foreign concept to this person: "Survival instinct will force you to defend yourself."

Nope. Not in my world.

When I was inpatient at CFC, Paul (therapist) liked to give people signs to wear. I willingly wore every sign he gave me, except one. I don't remember exactly what it said, but it had the word "martyr" on it. I refused to wear it. I told him I wasn't a martyr. There were some assignments he gave me that I fought because they weren't what I needed. This was not one of those times. I knew it. I think he knew it, but I flat out refused, so what could he do??

Some might think I didn't want the martyr sign, because being a martyr is bad... That wasn't the case for me. A martyr was the BEST kind of person, but I wasn't one. I was still alive. I had survived, so therefore, I wasn't good enough. (It sounds really crazy to write this now, but I BELIEVED it.)

"Greater love hath no man than to give his life for his friends."
The stories of Joseph, Hyrum, and Christ... If I wanted to be good like them, I couldn't value my own life, so I didn't. (Direct result of not valuing my own life: sitting in an eating disorder treatment center, literally starving to death, and only eating because someone else told me THEY needed me to eat.)

How this played out in my life:
Ex-Husband #1 raped me, and I laid there. I thought his needs were so much more important than my pain, my sadness, my fear. THIS was love for him.
I gave money I didn't have to people who said they needed it.
I worked two jobs, had three callings, went to the temple, listened to friends as they shared their heartaches, reached out to the lonely, and no matter how much I did or gave or tried, it wasn't enough, because I WAS STILL ALIVE.
I stayed with Ex#2, even when he was physically violent. It hurt me, but it was okay, because I LOVED him... and if he needed to kill me, that was what needed to happen. (It never crossed my mind how AWFUL that would have been for him. I was SO confused.)
My cat sat on my lap, flexed her claws in my skin, and I did nothing. It drew blood, I think I felt pain, but I didn't do anything to stop her.
I didn't tell people about the violence in my life, because I didn't want anyone to protect me. I didn't want anyone to get hurt.

I was so ashamed of being alive, I was willing to die slowly by starvation rather than face the guilt and the shame.

Paul eventually changed his terminology. He came up with the phrase "indiscriminate-self-sacrifice". I was willing to sacrifice myself, my wants, my needs, my life for anyone, anything, everything, and everyone.

I'm slowly unlearning all the things I learned. I'm worth protecting. I can feel safe and happy and still be a good person. I don't want to ever harm someone else, AND I will take care of me. I can have needs and wants, and express them, and still be loved. That's what is has always been about, I just wanted to be loved, and I didn't know there was any other way.

"the guilty taketh the truth to be hard"

I'm reading the book Controlling People.
The book says that ANY time a person believes they know what you think, feel, believe, etc., without you telling them, they are pretending. Pretending (in this way) is a sign of a controlling person.

I have believed that other people can tell me what I think. What I feel. Who I am. What I believe. What I do. What I don't do. I have accepted other people's definitions of me.

I used to believe that my defensive or angry feeling was a sign that I was wrong.

I cannot tell you how many times I have been told, "The guilty take the truth to be hard. The reason you're arguing is because you know I'm right. The reason you're upset is because you feel guilty." and I BELIEVED them. I tried to squelch my own thoughts and feelings, because someone else knew better than I did.

A recent example came from BJ's ex's stake president. JM told me the only reason I was upset at his breech of my confidentiality was because I felt so guilty for not living up to my covenants. He actually quoted the scripture, "The guilty taketh the truth to be hard." (1 Nephi 16:2)

First, How does Nephi know what Laman and Lemuel are feeling? Why they are upset? He is PRETENDING to know. That is controlling. And the LDS world sets Nephi up as an example to follow?!?

Second, How can JM, the Stake Pres, POSSIBLY know how I feel. He is also pretending. He can't know why I am doing things. He can't know what I think, what I feel, who I am, because I have never told him. He is also controlling.

Everything I was ever taught, was backwards. All of the men (and women) who pretended to know what I was thinking and feeling, DIDN'T know. I know. I know better than any bishop, husband, friend, stake president, waiter, stranger, boss, etc.

(Disclaimer: Asking a person if they are feeling (blank) is entirely different than telling a person they are feeling (blank).)

When I felt angry at Larry (Ex-Husband#1), it wasn't because I was feeling guilty, it was because I didn't like the way he was treating me!
When I felt angry at my dad, it wasn't because I was feeling guilty, it was because I saw something I didn't like. He hurt me. He hurt my brothers.
When I felt angry at Ex-Husband#2, it wasn't because I felt guilty, it was because he was violating my boundaries.
When I felt angry at JM, the Stake Pres, it wasn't because I was feeling guilty, it was because he shared my personal information.
And the list goes on...

Other people can't read my mind. They don't know, even if they think they do.
(And I can't read other people's minds. Even if I think I can.)

I find it fascinating to be able to see the world through these new eyes.
I finally SEE and understand what I have felt for a long time.

guilt = inward anger = depression. Solution = put the anger where it belongs.

Happy New Year

The other day, The Reader posted a blog entry about New Years Resolutions. Last year, I re-posted Beautiful You's blogs on New Years Dieting (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3)Part 3 was my favorite. She talked about balance. Finding balance in ALL areas of our lives.

In the past, I was one of those that made HUGE lists of resolutions, and I actually stuck to a lot of them, but still felt miserable. (Something about how no accomplishment was ever enough to make me feel good about myself.)

Around January - February of this year, there were two things that seemed really important for me to do:
1. I was going to stop forcing myself to do anything that I didn't want to do. This wasn't easy. We live in a world where we are SUPPOSED to put our wants and needs aside and do what everyone else wants. I was raised in a church that almost had me believing that wanting anything was wrong. And if I just did what I wanted, I was absolutely positive the sun would explode and everyone would die. I was so afraid that if I only did what I wanted, I would be a really horrible, selfish, mean, awful person. That lead me to the second thought:

2. I wasn't going to let fear and guilt run my life. I had no idea what that would look like, but I was absolutely sure I wanted to change my life. If doing what I wanted meant the sun would explode, I decided that would have to be okay. I was not going to be afraid anymore. I wasn't going to let the guilt rule me. And whatever happened, would happen.

And now, here I am. Some might say that was a bad choice. If I was still letting fear and guilt rule me, and if I was forcing myself to do things I didn't want to do, I'd be at church every week. I would still be married to Dann. I would have been to every family party and get together. I would have done a lot more service this year. I would have worked a lot more hours than I did. I wouldn't live where I live. I wouldn't have spent the time to get to know me.

I wouldn't love who I am. I would still be thinking about how to kill myself without hurting anyone. I would still be distant and miserable, but not know why. I would be even more distant from my family. I would not have had the conversations with any of my siblings or parents that I have had. I would not have come to terms with my body. I'd still be broken in a million different pieces, but pretending like I was whole. I would feel trapped. I would still be letting fear and guilt rule me. How can that be a bad choice?

As I think about the coming year, I plan to relax and enjoy my life.
Thus far it has been one helluva ride, and I can't wait to see where it goes next.

Shame

Jeff asked me to explain why the lesson on spirituality was so upsetting to me. We talked for a long time, and I really enjoyed the conversation. I also wanted to write down my thoughts. And ask any one who reads this their thoughts.

The questions that started the lesson:
Can you make your body do this or that or not do this or...?
These questions are fine if you can answer the "right" answer to all of them.
Yes. I can make my body walk. Good. Then YOU are good.
Yes. I can make my body fast. Good. Then YOU are good.
Yes. I can make my body get up early. Good. Then YOU are good.
Yes. I can make my body respond properly (according to the church's definition). Good. Then YOU are good.

And what if I can't? Then what?
Am I less of a person? Is my spirit not as strong as someone who can?
I have done everything I could possibly think of to do to show that my spirit was (is?) stronger than my body. Or to show that my mind is stronger than my body. Ignore pain. Ignore emotions. Ignore tiredness. Hunger. Needs. Wants. And somehow all of those things showed that I was good.

What about when I couldn't walk? (I mean really I COULD walk. I totally pushed through, but then I passed out in the bathroom, and Duani yelled at me, and I had to learn to STOP trying to will my body to do things it shouldn't do.)

And, I CAN'T fast. I fall over. Besides the fact that my mind goes beyond screwy. Then I hear lessons like this one and feel ashamed. So much shame. That I am not good enough. I need to try harder. BE better.

I DO feel anger. I can't make it just go away. But I will try my damndest. And feel ashamed for every time that I feel anger. How is that good for me? How is that good for anyone?

The lesson finishes with a story about riding horses. Something I am very passionate about. The final quote from the story was,

"Son, don’t ever let the horse do something you know he shouldn’t. Never let him have his way unless it is what you want him to do. If he ever thinks he’s in charge, you’re a goner.’ I found that I had all the equipment I needed to work with that horse: bridle, harness, straps, and saddle. All these helped, but nothing worked if I didn’t insist on obedience. I had to be in charge, and the horse needed to learn that. As I worked with him, he learned what was expected and what was and was not allowed. We became good friends, but both he and I knew who was in charge.”

When I ride, I don't "insist on obedience". I just couldn't do that. Sunny and I have spent enough time together that he trusts me. He listens when I ask him to do things most of the time. I also trust him. When he refuses to do what I ask, I pay attention. There are things that I can see (and plan for) that he cannot. (Horses lack the ability to plan ahead.) There are things he can see and understand that I can't. (Horses have an amazing sense of direction and intuition - as in tune as I could possibly get, he'll be better.)

The relationship I have with Sunny is amazing. He has helped me change my life, but if I never trusted him to lead me, I would not be where I am today. To my way of thinking, our bodies and spirits are intertwined. We have to trust both, and by learning to "control" the body with shame, we lose a most precious gift.

Its been pointed out to me that most twelve year old boys are listening too much to their bodies, and not enough to anything else. Possibly. But my take is, the overly selfish, involved with their bodies way of thinking is completely appropriate developmentally. A twelve year old boy is SUPPOSED to be paying attention to himself.

And then I think about Parker. He's now fourteen, although still struggles to allow himself to eat, or rest, or stop serving for longer than a few seconds. If someone doesn't show him how to STOP, he won't survive. I was blessed to get to go to CFC, but what will he do? He's STILL being taught to give, serve, love others more than himself, and I know better than most, he may not survive those teachings.

If we really listen to our bodies, our spirits, our hearts, our intuition, or whatever we want to call it, we are powerful beings. I don't believe the idea that controlling our bodies (or our emotions) comes from God. Working with, trusting, directing, all seem to be appropriate...

I can't think of a time that shame ever works for our good... but I've been wrong before. What do you think?

"Blast this Christmas music. It's joyful AND triumphant."

Christmas is hard for me. I know its supposed to be a time full of happiness and joy and good things. It just isn't for me. I'm stressed. Anxiety through the roof, and I can't even really tell you what I'm anxious about. This past week I have felt urges that I haven't felt since... well... probably since last Christmas...

I have wanted to just take whatever I had to take to make me go away mentally. Then I can be wherever anyone wants me to be physically, but I don't actually have to be there. (I have prescription anti-anxiety meds. They make me a little TOO out of it. I was told to stop taking them, so I did. But... I have never thrown them away just in case I might "need" them one day. I find comfort in knowing that I have a way out. I'm not going to throw them away, even now, because even though I will never take them, I still feel comforted knowing I could. Or something.)

Anyways, BJ told me to go back and read what I wrote after Thanksgiving. He pointed out that I was stressed and scared then, but it turned out okay. Better than okay. He's smart. It helped some, but this also FEELS different. Today just feels icky. Here is me trying to sort this one out.

Being in my parents' home is still hard. Often, I revert back to some former form of myself. Christmas has so many "traditions" and all traditions feel like to me are old memories of things I don't want to remember. And some good things that I do want to remember... But. Oh. Even the good things bring pain right now. Dann has always worked so hard to make Christmas special and fun and good. Even when we didn't have money, or things were really bad between us, he made Christmas awesome! Remembering all of our Christmases together is sad, because I don't have him in my life like I used to. We're still friends, and... still, its just not the same.

I really struggle to let other people buy things for me. I have often NEEDED Christmas. I refused to buy anything for myself, so things got worn out, and Christmas was about my needs.

I was always told that I shouldn't want anything. And with Christmas, it just gets stronger. I shouldn't want presents, but I shouldn't buy anything for myself, so I really need some things, but I shouldn't, because I can do without, and there are others that don't have anything. I should give my presents to them. But my family likes to give to me, so I have to accept whatever they give graciously, but I don't want it, because I shouldn't want presents. What a horrible cycle I've gotten myself into!!!!!

Add that to, the belief that I can never give enough. No matter how much money I spend, or how much time I put into presents, or how much I think about the perfectly right gift, I will still feel bad for not doing more.

ITS NO WONDER I HATE CHRISTMAS!

This year, I am going to do it differently.

I have done better at taking care of my own needs and wants, so there is nothing I need.
I like presents. I will admit that to others and to myself. I like getting things. I like seeing what others have picked out for me, and I like just opening gifts. Even tearing the paper, I love it.
I like watching others open presents. If its not the perfect gift, oh well. If its a horrible gift, I hope they enjoy exchanging it. And I hope we can laugh about how horrible it was.
I will smile at the memories that were happy. Cry for the changes that are sad. Create new memories.
I will participate in the traditions I want to participate in, and I won't participate in the parts I don't like.
And if at any moment, it all gets too much for me, I have a home to come to. I have a place where I feel safe and comfortable.
If I decide to spend Christmas alone, I'll be in great company.
This year, I'll think I'll just try living.

Just writing all this down, I feel better. Lighter.
Who knows, maybe I'll even like Christmas this year.

On Vulnerability and Shame

Guilt is Not the Spirit

I got an anonymous message last week. Ever since then, I've been hurting. Stuck in a place that I never, EVER want to go back to. And that's exactly what this message told me to do. Go back. It used the words temple, and sacred, and should. I got the message Sunday. Every night since, nightmares. All night. Night terrors where I couldn't wake up. And when I finally did wake up, drenched in a cold sweat. I'm talking soaked me, soaked pajamas, soaked sheets and pillows. (I know. Gross!) Tonight I woke up crying and shaking and moaning, "I'm not going back. I don't want to go back. Please... PLEASE, don't make me go back."

Funny thing is, so many people at church would try to use my nightmares as a reason to do what they want me to do. Its the Spirit talking to me. The guilt I feel IS the spirit. Bullshit. But they still say it. And I've believed it. There is a tiny voice inside me screaming, "I KNOW you've believed this before, but please don't believe it now. Please don't take us back to that time when you didn't stand up for yourself. When you let yourself be led by fear and guilt. Please don't ever do that to us again!"

How do I convince that little voice that I won't go back? I will still take care of me. I don't care what some asshole says, I won't sacrifice myself like that EVER again.

When Dann was working on changing himself, I recognized it would take a while for me to trust him again. Just because he hadn't hurt me TODAY, didn't mean that I felt safe with him. I guess I just don't trust me yet.

Not sure how to convince myself that I can be trusted, but I'll start with this:
Guilt is an emotion. Just like every other emotion. Emotions serve a purpose, and it does me good to pay attention to them. Then I get to choose what I do with each emotion. Whether I act on them or not. Just because I feel angry does not mean I need to lash out or hurt someone. Just because I feel guilty does not mean I shouldn't do what I feel guilty about. It is perfectly okay for me to do what I want to do. It is perfectly okay for me to not do what everyone else tells me I should do.

I refuse to let my life be run by fear or guilt. I DO feel guilty and afraid right now. That doesn't mean I am going to do anything with those emotions. I am more important than any feeling of guilt. I will protect and take care of myself.

They say its healthy to share, but...

Not sure why I feel the need to comment... I suppose this will just make me one of your "bitter sinners"... and I guess I'm willing to stand up and be hated.

I don't really care if Joseph Smith was a prophet or insane. I don't really care if Thomas Monson has spoken to God or not. I have prayed (and prayed and prayed) to understand and to know and to be who I need to be.

I was born in the church. I was married in the temple. Unfortunately, then I was treated with violence. I sought help from the "men of God" I was surrounded by, and they used similar rhetoric to what you just used... I was not happy in my marriage because I was sinning.

In the book, The 4 Agreements, Miguel Ruiz defines sin as any time we go against ourselves. I like that definition. I believe it acknowledge the Godliness within me, and I can do what is best for ME. I don't need a prophet to tell me what to do, it is within me.

Yes, I have a lot of guilt. I was taught by church leaders and parents alike to "be nice", "be selfless", "be quiet". I was taught that to think about myself AT ALL was selfish and shouldn't be done. I believed those teachings completely. I bought into them and repeated them to myself. Its hard to let go of the guilt when its constantly being rammed down my throat.

So I left. Not in the "remove my name" sense, but in the I can't go to church. I can't talk about it with you. Its not good for me.

And then all of my family, and all of the people that told me not to be selfish, so that they could be. All of the self-serving, self-righteous, abusive people in my life began telling me why I shouldn't do what I knew I HAD to.

I have been many abusive relationships, but the most abusive relationship is the one I have had with the church. I don't know how other people are. I suppose if a person is healthy in mind and spirit, the church wouldn't be able to hurt them. Does that justify what they do? Does it make it okay to abuse those who AREN'T healthy? And when it starts in childhood, how does one ever learn that it is okay to protect themselves?

If it makes any difference, I have had two different bishops tell me not to come to church. They heard ME and decided to guide ME.

I don't expect anyone else to follow my path. Its MY path. I do expect people to respect my path. And I expect everyone to know enough about who they are to travel their own path.

One of my favorite quotes is, "You're lost. One often gets lost when they use someone else's map."

Joseph Smith believed in personal revelation. The Book of Mormon challenges people to know for themselves. Just because you have proven it true for you, does that mean it MUST be true for everyone?

I don't believe lashing out in anger will help anyone... however, I also believe that sharing the darkest parts of ourselves gives us the best chance for healing.

Please come down off your high horse. Don't dismiss us all in the same way. You belong to a church that values agency beyond anything else.

SHOW ME that I can be loved for who I am, and I might just want to hang around.

I'm silly.

I get paid in royalties. I design stuff, and if people buy the stuff, I get paid. I get paid quarterly.
This morning, running the report to see how much this check will be.


It was double what I expected.
I know MOST people would get really excited.
Not me. I had a panic attack.


What did I do wrong? How could it be that much? I'm greedy. How could I possibly ask for that much money? I'm not worth it. I didn't earn that much, and... blah, blah, blah...

Seriously?
Where does this stuff come from?


Lies. Its all lies.
The truth is, if I ran the report wrong... I'll fix it... No big deal.
The truth is, I designed some dang good stuff. People like it, and they bought way more than I was planning.
The truth is, I'm not greedy. People who are greedy don't set up a pay schedule like I have. They like the guaranteed money.
The truth is, I'm not asking for that much money... That was the agreement we came to when I started working.
The truth is, I AM WORTH IT!

Really... nothing to panic over...

thinking, praying, pondering, reading, studying, wondering, feeling, hoping, yelling, screaming, crying

I'm spending a lot of time thinking, praying, pondering, reading, studying, wondering, feeling, hoping, yelling, screaming, crying... and well... I'm trying to figure out what to do about the church.

I don't go anymore. Its not good for me. But I still can't get away from it.

I'm angry at the things that have been said to me. I'm angry at the things I was taught. I'm angry that when I try to talk about it, people excuse it... tell me I'm the one that has misinterpreted things, I'm the one that is wrong, only... the thing is, I have seen lots of other people "misinterpret" what has been said come to the same damn conclusions I did. Telling me its my problem (and therefore no one else has to take any responsibility) is not okay with me. I have been taking responsibility for a lot of people's shit for a long time, and I just won't do it anymore... even if the person dishing the shit is "called of God".
Like I said, I'm angry.

There are things about the church that have brought me comfort. I don't want to throw those things away. Some of the talks and quotes from church have been helpful. Some of the quotes and talks from other places have been helpful too, but I don't go around thinking that Wyatt Webb speaks for God. Wyatt Webb speaks for Wyatt Webb, and he says some things that ring true for me. I believe in truth. I don't care where it comes from.

I believe in God and miracles. I have seen amazing things happen in my life that I can't explain. I have had strength given to me that was not my own. I feel a connection to the world around me and to some people that I can only describe as a spiritual connection. I have felt guided in ways that again, I just can't explain.

I can see the value in many teachings of the church. Word of Wisdom. Makes sense... especially since I have so many addictions already... But then, my addictions aren't covered in the Word of Wisdom... Fasting is supposed to be a really good thing for the spirit... When they talk about addictions in the church, it usually triggers the hell out of me. They talk about having self-control and not giving in to wants and desires. My addictions have always been about self-denial. Drugs didn't phase me... starving myself was much better.

I don't believe that the church authorities are speaking for God, because then I would be angry at God, and I don't wanna be. I don't believe in a God that says trials are for my own damn good and I should be grateful for them. I don't believe in a God that insists that I take abuse, because that is what Christ did. I don't believe in a God that sits in judgment of me (or anyone else).

I still have a lot of questions, but I no longer believe that I will find answers only if I am obedient to self-serving shitheads.

I'll be true to myself, and that is when I will find answers.

So, what am I trying to say here?
I'm finding what works for me.
I'm taking the things that I like, and leaving the rest behind.
No one is going to like everything that I choose... And I don't want them to.
Choose what works for you. And go with it.

All I can do is be honest with what I think, what I feel, who I am in THIS moment.

In all seriousness...

The guilt. If you can't laugh at it, then really? What's the point?

I am suddenly aware of a lot of people trying to MAKE me feel guilty. Like TV and radio commercials:

"For just a few dollars a month you can make the life of an animal better. If you don’t send us this money, these animals will die because of YOU. All you had to do was write us a check and this animal would have lived."

"For only a few dollars more a month, you can feed a hungry child, educate it, and make its future bright. By not rushing us this money, YOU are personally responsible for the wide spread illiteracy and hunger across the globe."

"And since you didn’t buy pink ribbon items (or post your bra color to build awareness) you are most certainly hellbound."

You couldn’t buy a DARE shirt to keep kids off drugs? Shame on you, selfish bastard!

(Why is it that I think this is so darn funny? And why doesn't anyone else??)

I thought everyone thought like me...

57 guys signed up to play basketball in our ward. Two teams.

Dann asked if there was anyone willing to "sit this one out". I was sure EVERYONE would say they would... He wouldn't even have enough for one team.

55 guys said they "want to play every week!" (In other words, I don't care that the slots are limited... I want to be the one that plays!)
One said he was willing to be a reserve player.
Dann said he would sit it out. (He REALLY wanted to play, but wanted to give someone else a chance.)

How could I have been so wrong?
I guess that is why EVERY WEEK, we hear about how we shouldn't be selfish... we should think of others...

Two guys... TWO! were willing to give up what they wanted for someone else...

Holy Guilt Batman!

I always assumed that when others talk about guilt, they feel... what I feel. It seems I was wrong.

When I talk about guilt, I mean CRUSHING, I'd rather die than feel this, I CAN'T MOVE, THINK, or FEEL anything else but GUILT, it rules my life, all consuming...

The thought I had tonight? No wonder I have tried to get rid of every possible "extra" ounce of body weight... I am carrying a ton of bricks around with me EVERYWHERE... and its exhausting. Shed a few? That will be just a little bit of weight that I won't have to carry...