Monday, May 7, 2012

Party... Progress... Guilt...

I went to the CALM party a few days ago.
Started with walking in and having several people greet me with a smile and, "Jen! It's soooo good to see you!" For a girl who has felt invisible for so long, that felt good. It felt strange. I've never been hated by anyone (until recently), but I've also never been noticed. I'm aware (now) that by never letting people get to know me, they didn't know me. (Brilliant wisdom, I know.) They didn't care if I was at a party, because there was really nothing to care about.

After greeting me with my name, we exchanged hugs. It wasn't until I was driving home that I realized it hadn't been weird or freaky or upsetting. I really care about these friends, and I wanted to say hi with a hug. I wanted them in my personal space, so it wasn't upsetting to have them there. I also chose how close I let them be... (I've known for a while that as soon as I started accepting my right to choose who I let touch me, and when that I wouldn't have as many issues with touch... but for so long, I've not been able to even make the choice. If they want to hug me, they get to, whether I like it or not. It was different last night.)

A friend from eating disorder treatment, has joined this group of friends. It was very amusing to me to watch how people reacted to her endless need to take care of everyone else. I knew my behavior was odd, but it still surprised me, watching other people watching her... Her apologizing for taking up space, washing a paper cup so as not to be wasteful, trying to move out of everyone's way without them asking, etc. I laughed out loud when I saw Sean shake his head and say, "You don't have to apologize for that, you know that. Right?"

When Stacy noticed me trying to move out of her way, she told me to claim my space. I had a right to it, and then she informed me that if I ever told her to "fuck off" she'd probably clap her hands and hug me.

Why is it that I have had more than one person say that to me in the past two days?

I know the answer to that, because I know how excited I felt when Amanda told me, "I'm going to be me. I'm going to find my own way at my own pace, and if you don't like that, then fuck you." She was scared to death to say it, which I understand, and I did a happy dance for her.

This is going to sound so stupid to some people, but it was a challenge for me: I sat in the big cushy chair. I took up a whole big cushy lazy-boy-type chair while other people sat on folding chairs.

... and now... Stupid, crazy, messed up, guilt... I felt anxiety then, but I feel even more writing about it...

In my head, I hear, "The people who read your blog are going to think you're a really selfish horrible person. Why didn't you just sit in the folding chair and let someone more deserving sit in the big cushy chair? Why would you be proud of that?!?"

And out loud I just said, "Because DAMMIT. I faced a fear of mine. And because, dammit, I deserve a cushy chair as much as anyone! I don't want to go through life feeling like I don't deserve to be comfortable. Fuck that! And fuck anyone who wants me to live like that."

And now I can't remember what else I was going to write about... So, that'll be it for now.

1 comment:

  1. I like this.

    when you wrote "people reading my blog are going to say that I should have left the comfy chair for someone more deserving" I was going to say that there is no one more deserving, but you beat me to it.