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Friday, February 18, 2011

"I can be trusted."

I was talking to my friend, Jen (not me Jen, another Jen) a while ago. She was sharing the story of her coming out. Everyday for nine months, she told someone new. I can't remember exactly what she said, or how she even said it, because as she was talking fireworks started going off in my head and a voice was shouting, "Listen! Listen!"

It went something like this:
I had to show my spirit that I would choose me over everyone else. I had to show me that I could take care of me.

I thought of the body memories and pain I experience. I have known for a long time that the pain will be there until I can show myself I will take care of and protect myself from being hurt again.

My move was big.
But one big event doesn't make you trust.
It is a series of little events; little things everyday that say, "I can be trusted."

Like Jen's story of talking to someone everyday. Everyday telling someone who she is. I know this is what I need to do, but I really don't know HOW. Or what that even looks like.

What does that look like? How do I show ME that I will take care of me?
I know that I don't allow people to hurt me like I used to. I speak up much more often. I'm learning skills so that I can communicate my needs and wants better. I'm paying attention to my own feelings SO much more.

Is there something I am missing? Does it just take time?
(Jen's story wouldn't have been quite so big to me if I was already doing what I needed to be doing... right?)

Frustration!!!
I want to do something different. I just don't know what...yet.

5 comments:

  1. Tell someone "no" every day. Or just say "no" to some expectation other people have of you, like how I know my sister would frown on me "wasting" money on things I don't need (I'm not saying I splurge to spite her, but I'll buy new clothes even if I don't "need" it once in a while), etc. I don't need to be the person other people expect me to be.

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  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  3. Learning to trust yourself is just like getting someone else to trust you. If you had a friend that you always put everyone else before that friend and you neglected that friend, it would take a long time to get that friend to trust you again. But each little thing you do to show that friend you care will get you a little closer.

    In the same sense, you have to build a history of showing yourself you can be trusted. It takes time, and it takes consistency.

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  4. Thank you all for your thoughts and suggestions!
    I agree that it takes time, especially since I have been pretty UNtrustworthy to myself in the past. And I easily fall back into old ways of thinking...

    "Everyone else is more important than I am," has been a way of life.

    blog author - why did you delete your comments? I thought they were very profound, honest, and helpful... Not many people have been through what you've been through, and your insights are profound.

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  5. My comment started out short, but by the time I was done, it was SO long and I was rather embarrassed. So, I went back and deleted it. Thank you for thinking my insights are valuable- I appreciate that. Thank you!

    Love and respect, always.

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