Saturday, July 23, 2011

Old shame

I'm going to visit my grandparents today. I used to go visit them all the time - I'd just talk and hang out, but in the last two years, as I've tried to sort out my own life and feelings, I've avoided much of my extended family. I miss them, and so made the plans to go. Now I'm feeling anxious and afraid and part of me wants to run away.
Here's my fears (I'm listing them so that I can see the irrationality of it all later.)
My grandma will ask me about my callings in church. If she does, I plan on being honest and telling her I haven't been to church in two years. And I suppose the real fear is that she'll be really hurt or sad.
They'll talk about my cousins and their kids, and I'll feel like I'm "less-than" because I'm divorced twice and I don't plan on having kids.
My grandma will make comments about my weight, and it will do funny things to my head.
They'll ask questions about my life, and my life isn't what I used to want or used to think it should be... I'll feel the old shame.

It IS ironic, as I write this, I realize I already DO feel the old shame. Here I go. I hope to just spend time with my grandparents. Enjoy their company. I don't want people I care about to be triggers of old shame. I think the only way to disconnect them as triggers is to face the fear, the shame, and see that really... there is nothing there.


  1. You seemed ok when you came back, but I am very curious about how it REALLY went, you know, inside your head. Love you!

  2. It went better than I expected - partially because I spent most of the time talking to Julee, and partially because all of my fears were not based much on present-day-reality.

    Grandma did push a little by asking, "But how are you REALLY?"

    My reply to her felt empowering to me and compassionate to her. I told her I could understand why she felt like she had to keep asking. Still, things are GOOD now, and I'm honest when they're not good.
    And that was that.

    Love you!!

  3. how did the time with your Grandparents go?

  4. Yeti - It was good. I didn't spend much time with them - I spent it mostly with my aunt, but the time I did spend was good. I had a great time, and I'm not scared to go back and visit again.