Sunday, October 2, 2011

The GC

I'm feeling sad and lonely this morning.
My family is getting together for breakfast right now. It's a tradition they've had my whole life.
My dad makes a big breakfast. Everyone comes over, eats, and then watches conference together.
They are all there, and I am not.

I told them I wasn't coming because it was too far to drive. That's not really why.
Conference makes me crazy. It always has, but I don't sit quietly when I disagree anymore.
I'm invited to be there, but I'm pretty sure they don't actually want ME there.
At this point just the sound of the old men's voices make me want to scream, and I disagree with so much of what they say.
(Some is good. Some is helpful. I'd rather find the good and the helpful without all of the other stuff too.)
I have friends who are all watching conference and discussing it, but even if my family WANTED to discuss it, I'm not there yet.
I would either explode and say exactly what I'm thinking. Or I'd sit there and shake because I'm trying to hold it all in.

I feel lonely because there was a point in my life where I had this in common with them, and two weekends a year it is made VERY apparent to me that I don't anymore.
I feel very lucky. I know that my family is far more understanding and compassionate and accepting towards me than most members of the church are to their family who leaves.

Yesterday, I was going to drop by to visit my mom after my rehearsal until I realized it was conference.
I called her and told her I was planning to come to visit, but I was also trying to avoid conference since it makes me crazy.
She chuckled and said, "Come on over. It's safe. We won't watch it while you're here."

I know a lot of people that tell their "apostate" family and friends to "make sure (you) watch conference", and others that manipulate them to try to get them to watch or listen (but heaven forbid tell them what you actually think about what was said at conference. They can tell YOU that you have to watch and listen, but you can't even tell them that you don't agree. It's an icky double standard.) The fact that my family sees ME, loves ME, and accepts ME is beyond awesome!

I feel sad and lonely because I feel like I am doing them a favor by not being around them on conference weekend. I am protecting them from me. I'm also protecting me from my own anger. I don't like to feel angry, and I really don't like to feel angry and sit there and pretend like I'm not.


  1. I just want you to know that you are always completely welcome. I've known that you avoid General Conference for quite some time. I always figured that it was because you just didn't want to hear it. That's perfectly valid and you don't have to hear anything you don't want to hear.

    I was sad to read that you felt you needed to protect us from you. If you don't want to come that is totally fine but I hope you never feel like it's because you're not wanted.

    I would be completely happy for you to come and enjoy however much you want to enjoy. If that means we all enjoy breakfast together and that's it, that's okay. If that means you watch conference with us that is great as well. I would be completely open to discuss conference with you. I would expect that we show respect to each other while we discuss it. But, I don't feel like we've had problems with that in the past so I don't see why we would in the future.

    I just want you to know, we would be glad to have you. We do tend to discuss the things we've heard afterward, your input would be welcome in that discussion. If you don't want to be there for that discussion that's completely okay, but know that you're welcome to be a part of it.

  2. Thank you. I think part of the struggle is that when I hear it, I feel so much that I worry I wouldn't be able to be respectful... (Although, as I think about it, I'm not really concerned. I might feel angry, but never be hurtful.)

    There will probably come a time. Just not yet.
    Love you.