Sunday, October 23, 2011

The title used to be, "A question to all the bloggers out there". It should be something else now, but I don't know what...

This is a public blog. Anyone can read it. It's not anonymous, but it's not really connected to me either. Only the people who know it's here can find it.

It's a public blog, and yet I'm feeling invaded. How is that even possible? And more importantly, how do I deal with it?
Do I make the blog private so that I can still write and process the things I need to process?
Do I try to just ignore the problem?

"What's 'the problem'?" you ask. BJ's ex reads my blog. And then she sends texts and emails. In one to BJ, she pretended that the spirit had guided her... I love being The Spirit. She doesn't like what I wrote about fast offerings. She doesn't like what I've written about the church. She doesn't like that sometimes in some things, BJ and I think alike. She doesn't like what I've written about her, and wants him to get me to change what I write.

Ignoring her isn't really working. I go to write and just feel blank. Or I want to write down really angry rants about the church, or members of the church who use the church to manipulate other people, or people that say they love someone and treat them like shit, or people that abuse or control their spouses... (Kind of a, "You didn't like that? THAT was nothing. What do you think of THIS?")

I don't want this blog to be a THAT either... which also brings me to a place I came to a few months ago. What DO I want this blog to be?

This blog has been the place where I write about what I'm going through. My thoughts and feelings in the moment. Some of the anger has gone away almost as soon as I have written about it. The fear leaves as quickly as I can express that I feel fear.

So, I'll express my anger and my fear: I feel afraid of what she will say or do to BJ as a result of me speaking my mind. I'm afraid of the stories she tells her kids that affect him. I understand needing to speak her own truth - she doesn't like me. I don't really expect her to. I really don't need her to. I just don't like the way it feels watching her say hurtful things. He doesn't need me to protect him. He's perfectly capable of standing up for himself, choosing who and what he wants in his life. I just hate watching him NEED to stand up for himself against some really fucked up and abusive shit. I just wish it didn't exist. And there is still some belief that I can control other people by NOT speaking my mind. Somehow, if I can make myself stop existing - she'll be nice.

That's rather irrational. I've never been able to stop abusers from abusing. I've only been able to get myself away from it, or step in front of it to prevent someone else from getting abused. Oh. In an effort to try to protect him, and her, and the kids from having to face what IS, I've been willing to take the blame... I didn't see how it was hurting me. The truth is: My existence never made her say the things she said. She was saying hurtful things long before I was around. My existence never made her think the way she thinks. He tried to explain to her for many MANY years, and finally gave up. He started planning years ago for divorce as soon as the kids were grown and out of the house. The plan for divorce gave him the strength to stay as long as he did. My existence didn't make BJ leave, or move far away... My existence didn't make him feel so lonely that he was out looking for a friend. Someone who was willing to just listen and know HIM. My existence HAS helped him find a friend. 

Some people are really grateful I exist. Some people are really grateful for the support I have been to BJ. Some people would like me to fall of the face of the earth. Some people hate me for being a support to BJ. (Word: If you actually cared about HIM, wouldn't you be grateful that he found a friend and that he found someone who could listen to and support him, even if that wasn't YOU? If you loved him, wouldn't you want him to be happy, which would mean getting out of situations that harmed him? And when I say harmed him - I say that because HE says that. If you loved someone, wouldn't you listen to them and believe them when they tell you what they feel? What they want? If someone told me something was harming them, I'd listen... I would say, "I'm sorry I've hurt you. I don't want to do that, and I understand if talking to me isn't good for you. If anything changes let me know, but until then, I'll leave you alone.")

Like usual, this isn't the direction I was planning on going... It was supposed to be a question, but I seemed to answer the questions I didn't even know I had.

This is my blog. My thoughts. My feelings. My stories. If you don't like them, I don't understand why you're reading them. (Maybe I do understand. I compare it to a person with an eating disorder reading fashion magazines. Or me reading conference talks. I know they're going to upset me, but for a while I insisted on doing it. I'd go crazy. And everyone asked me "WHY THE HELL do you keep doing that to yourself?" I had no answer, except that I just had to. Maybe it's like that.) Sometimes I'll write about anger. Sometimes I'll write about my past. Sometimes I'll write about my present. Sometimes I'll write about how other people's stories are affecting my stories. Sometimes I'll write that I'm happy. Sometimes I'll write about fishing and horses and mountains. Sometimes I'll write about how I'm continuing to learn and grow and change. Sometimes I'll write about what I want to write about.

I'm just me. Deal with it.


  1. For me part of the value of blogging is getting feedback from other people, letting them help me and letting myself help them through what I write. Making it private means that you lose out on that aspect.

    Like you concluded though at the bottom - its your blog, its your feelings, its about your stories. There is value in being real. There is value in not filtering. They don't have to read it. :)

  2. Agreed. I love the insights I get form people. And the whole purpose of this blog in the beginning was to put it out there, "I survived."

    I don't think it would have the same value if I was just talking to myself...

  3. Jen, this post makes me just feel like this : <3

    You have such strength in your words and they are yours and are for nobody but yourself, which is a wonderful place to be in, but a hard place to get. I commend you for being as amazing as you are.

    I will always stand behind you. :)

    P.S. Passive-agressive behavoiur like you are talking about that has been shown to you and BJ is just not acceptable for mature adults.

  4. When I decided to blog I had no idea there would be anyone that would eventually "find" me. I didn't announce it to anyone and I didn't really have anyone I could announce it to.

    It was solely for me to see if I could challenge myself in a way that would help me gain perspective.

    As I began to find other blogs and then felt courage to comment, I suddenly had "eyes" looking at what I was sharing. And though I refrain from sharing much of who I am, or the most intimate of thoughts, I still blog for me. If I begin to blog for anyone else; I will just hit DELETE.

    I hope that you can continue to find your spot to express what you need regardless of who does read what you offer. If one individual has some qualms, meh. I've found that I have gleaned and gained so much insight from your blog and many others. For this I am grateful.

    However, if you ever want to have it go "private" I only respect and honor that.

    And I'm glad that you haven't just survived, but are clearly thriving. It's inspiring.

    Be well.

  5. Becky - Thank you. My biggest concern is as I try to navigate through my own feelings, how to share them without being aggressive or passive aggressive. I want to be true to me, and not step over the line...

    I am coming to the realization that when I keep quiet out of fear, even if it is fear of hurting another, it doesn't help. So, I'll keep muddling through. Glad to know I've got good friends as I muddle. :)

    Sensory - I like what you said, "If I begin to blog for anyone else, I will just hit DELETE." I think that's a good space to be in...

    And thank you for being here to help me remember I am doing so much more than just surviving. THANK YOU!

    No plans to go private for now - I would miss out on too much.

  6. I agree. It's your blog, write what you want to write. If other people don't like it, they don't have to read it.

  7. Mike's ex reads my blog... but I'm fine with it because all the intimate stuff is on my LJ.