BJ and I have lived in the same house for a while. We are "in a relationship". (It's official. It's on Facebook.) In my mind, being in a relationship was difficult to get to for many reasons, but one BIG reason was the loss of myself.
Basically, deep down I hold the belief that I have no right to my body, my wants, my desires, my possessions, because I have to give them up and sacrifice for my significant other.
Of course BJ doesn't want that for me, and since he generally holds the same belief for himself (HE has to sacrifice everything in order to make his significant other happy, or else he isn't a good man.) We're pretty funny together.
Today, we were both at work. I had driven my car. He had to go home to meet the farrier. (Horses are getting new shoes... as we speak!) I decided to stay at work and get some things done. I assumed he'd take my car, but as he was leaving, he asked if it was okay.
I felt confused... OF COURSE it is okay. How else was he going to get home?
But the truth is, I'm really glad he asks. I'm really glad he doesn't assume he has a right to my stuff. I can't picture myself ever saying no to him. (He says I should test this out sometime, but I can't see it happening any time soon. Not even as a test to see how he handles me telling him he can't use something of mine, but... anyway...)
Even if I still don't believe I have a right to tell him "no", I appreciate that he acts as if it might be an option.
Thursday, June 19, 2014
I really appreciate that he asks
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I've been married for 36 years and I still ask Ted if I can take his car. I also tell him where I am going and about how long I'll be. It isn't that he has in any way made me feel some sort of obligation to him, just that I know he would want to know out of concern. I know he would never take advantage of me just as Todd would never take advantage of you. It is good to have someone who just cares about you just cause you are you and he likes that.ReplyDelete
It's funny. I wouldn't dream of taking anything of Todd's without asking, and I wouldn't go anywhere without telling him first. (For the same reason - concern and safety.) But I feel like wanting the same level of care and respect is wanting too much... but I'm working on it.Delete
And - I love that Todd cares about me just cause I'm me and he likes me. That feels wonderful!
I got a bit choked up reading this. I hadn't realized just how much I had set aside my boundaries for others to walk all over my life. Learning to say 'no' was so difficult, I couldn't ever just say 'no', I had to follow it up with an excuse or justification because the people I said 'no' to would demand it. But it wouldn't matter anyway because they would always be dismiss it or demean my reasons and do what ever it was they wanted anyway. Getting past that, getting to where I can feel justified in saying 'no' without having to state it, without having to feel shame, comes easier now but it's not always there. Although, I do have people in my life who are less willing to cross those boundaries so that has helped too.ReplyDelete
I've noticed myself slipping backward lately - not a big thing, but... I'm more anxious and having trouble sleeping lately. I feel paralyzed by my own wants, and get stuck in ways that I used to work through easier. I'm realizing I am still struggling with boundaries. As the relationship with Todd has changed, it's woken up the feeling that I can't say no... and although he would never take advantage of me - it would be better if I got to a healthier place myself.Delete