Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Letter of hope - rough draft

When I entered CFC, I believed I could give up the eating disorder behaviors on my own. I had done it before, but I knew I needed help to change me. I walked in the doors ready and willing to give up the eating disorder, anxieties, and anything else that might stand in my way.

I was scared. I didn't want to be around other women who weren't willing to fight as hard as I was. I was pleasantly surprised by the amazing women there with me. Everyone there was willing and working so hard to change their lives. I am so grateful that I was lead to CFC at that exact moment in time.

I fought hard the whole time I was there. And then it came time to leave. I wasn't cured... and in fact when I left had more anxieties and crazy feelings than when I walked in.

I went back to work, but struggled to get anything done. I couldn't sleep at night. I had new fears, new nightmares, new struggles and pains that I had never experienced before. At first, I was angry. Why didn't they help me? Why didn't they change me for the better? Why am I worse now? But, as time as passed, I have seen the amazing depth of the things CFC taught me.

I continued to fight against the eating disorder. I continued to talk about the things that had happened to me in the past. I continued to talk about how I felt. I continued to challenge false beliefs. I just kept pushing forward - even when I wasn't sure which direction forward was.

I couldn't see it at the time, but everyday things were changing. I was learning, growing, and becoming someone new and better.

I researched ways to better myself. I asked questions of people around me. The answers I got astounded me - I had learned everything from something at CFC.

Radical acceptance, Opposite Action, Non-judgment, Be an observer, Be mindful, Listen to your heart, Sound waves for healing, Analyzing lyrics, Openness and honesty, the value of journaling, positive coping mechanisms, Listen to your body, Self-care, Ask for help, etc.

There was nothing that I hadn't heard before. How blessed I am to have had that experience that taught me so much (even if I need reminders because I can't remember it all).

And now, I can see the changes everyday. Last week, I cried, REALLY cried for the first time in 25 years. Today, when I felt a little discouraged, I also knew it would pass and I would feel hopeful again. Who knows what will change tomorrow? I am excited to find out.

Although the abuse and trauma from my past have changed me forever, I am healing from them. They will not run my life forever - and in fact the power they have had over me shrinks and evaporates everyday. I know I will heal completely, and I will be stronger than I can imagine right now.

1 comment:

  1. I'm glad you learned a lot from the CFC. I'm glad that healing is coming. Don't forget the things you learned. Keep learning and growing, you'll make it.