I just left my parents house. Apparently the lesson this week was the Law of Chasity. Everyone talked about it a little. My dad was telling stories from the lesson. I wanted to run away and hide.
Now that I'm home - I can think a little more clearly, and this is what I wish I would have said:
When you talk about chastity and sex like this, I feel dirty. I feel like I'm disgusting. I want to hide, because I am worthless. Like a crushed flower or a piece of chewed gum. My body hurts. My chest feels tight. I want to scream or cry.
Do you realize what it's like to hear about the importance of no sex when I had "sex" when I was only five? My body responded the way the body is supposed to respond to sex. I blamed me. I felt gross and disgusting, and combine that with all of the teachings on chastity, and I just feel intense hatred for myself and my body.
I understand that my experience isn't everyone's, and it is still my experience.
I didn't say anything. I sat there and withdrew into the back of my head. Now, I'm sad, suffering a bit. Feeling broken. I never even understood what they were saying or talking about in church. I didn't get it. I was weird and broken. When others spoke of sex, I knew only abuse.
I'm not sure what else to do now other than to curl up in a blanket and cry.
That is what I will be doing now.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
The Law of Chasity
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Oh sweetie. Sorry you had to go through that. Hugs coming your way.ReplyDelete
Jen, I'm so sorry. Remember that you are a unique expression of the universe. You are a goddess. No matter what labels people choose to apply to certain activities, you are amazing, beautiful, and POWERFUL. I'm so sorry that you had to be in the room for that. It's unfortunate and it's hard when everyone around you has been duped by a harmful group think. You are most definitely NOT a chewed piece of gum. Much love to you.ReplyDelete
*hugs if wanted*ReplyDelete
Gwylym and feathertail - Thank you. Hugs are much appreciated! Especially the cyber kind: I feel loved without the stress of being touched.ReplyDelete
Lari - Thank you. It's been a long time since something like this has set me off... I really appreciate this, "Remember that you are a unique expression of the universe. You are a goddess. No matter what labels people choose to apply to certain activities, you are amazing, beautiful, and POWERFUL."
I also know that if I had said something, the conversation would have stopped, and changed to really listening to each other. I'm not sure why I couldn't find the words, but I couldn't.
I will talk to my dad about it, and I'm pretty sure he'll say, "I'd never thought of it from that point of view." And then we'll listen to each other, and it'll be beautiful. It's the way it has gone in the past...
You are not dirty. You are not bad. You are awesome, and I feel very blessed to know you.
Sending another cyber hug (it's nice to see that you've got lots of love floating around you).ReplyDelete