It started as a nagging in the back of my mind, and has grown just a little each day. It suddenly got huge yesterday. I couldn't put it in words until I was talking to my sister.
She helped me find the words, "I feel like I'm hiding. I don't want to hide anymore."
That prompted a conversation with BJ. I told him what I had felt while talking to Mellen.
"I feel like I'm hiding, and I don't want to hide anymore."
He asked the question, "What would it look like if you weren't hiding? How would things be different?"
Not much. There's not much that would be different on the outside. The difference would be in my head. I spend a LOT of time trying to anticipate how everyone else will feel and what everyone else will do.
If I say this, will it make someone mad?
If I do this, will it hurt or offend someone?
If I do this, will she make life difficult for or hurt someone else I care about?
If I don't do that, will people be disappointed?
If I am this way, how will it affect them? How will that affect others?
I'd be less worried, afraid, scared of angering people that will hate me no matter what I do. I'd be less concerned about what labels people attach to me, and just BE me. I wouldn't worry about how anyone else defines me or my relationships and just BE.
And I would just hold BJ's hand whenever we wanted to hold hands.
See, you heterosexuals have a lot more in common with gay people that you realize.ReplyDelete
I know. I'm very aware. It's one of the reasons I get so passionate about gay issues. (Although most straight people don't have as hard of a time coming out as I do, they just ARE, and everyone just accepts it.)Delete
Imagine that! Whenever you want! Wouldn't THAT be a fun world to live in. :)ReplyDelete
That's the world I want to live in! (And one day, I am going to look back at this and laugh at myself... "Jen, you were so scared of what? You silly head."Delete
And it's okay to do things for you just because you want to do things for you!! (Should I say that 10 times?)ReplyDelete
I didn't even write about that... you're getting ahead of me. :) AND thank you. I still need to hear that (although eventually, the plan is to be able to just believe it within myself).Delete
You totally deserve that happiness and you should do them for yourself. :)ReplyDelete
:) Thank you!!Delete
Love this! Love you! I hope that writing this helped you out. :)ReplyDelete
It DID help. A lot more than even I was expecting. Thank you for listening and for your advice... and for just wanting me to be happy. That means TONS!Delete
Atta girl. I'm 58, and learning how to speak up when I want to speak up / do things I want to do. Sometimes I get hung up on the silliest things. I look back later, and think, "Why did I ever worry about THAT?" Way too self-conscious and inside my own head. I'm happier--and so is everyone else around me--when I am myself.ReplyDelete
Thank you! I look forward to getting to the point where I look back and think," Why did I ever worry about THAT?".Delete
Boy, does this ring true. I mostly do what I want but I can never figure out if my actions are because I want them or others want them. I just wish I could filter out the outside influences and just focus on what I want, because I get confused sometimes.ReplyDelete
Jen, thank-you for putting in words what so many of us feel.ReplyDelete
btw- It makes me happy to imagine you and BJ holding hands whenever you want to!