It isn't my birthday yet... but yesterday was my family's birthday celebration for me.
I was excited all day. I felt really silly, so I tried to discount my own feelings.
It's just a dinner. With ice cream cake and presents. It's not THAT different from any other Sunday when we all get together. BUT. It WAS different. We were getting together FOR me. Just to celebrate that I am alive, AND I'm excited about that.
I'm not sure how I felt about my birthdays when I was younger. I probably liked them, but at some point my own birthdays started to annoy me. I didn't want to celebrate me. I hated me. I didn't want to celebrate being alive. I wished I wasn't. I didn't want to celebrate living another year. Surviving felt like a silly reason to celebrate. I didn't want presents. Presents made me feel guilty. I don't like them singing to me and feeling like the center of attention. I didn't want to inconvenience my mom with a special dinner. I felt guilty when she did anything special for me.
My birthday felt like an inconvenience and nothing to celebrate at all.
This year. I WANT to celebrate. I feel giggly and silly and excited to celebrate.
It's great to be alive. It's great to be me. It IS totally worth celebrating that I lived another year, because this past year, I LIVED! I like presents. I LOVE eating dinner together. I didn't have any special requests for dinner... except "fruit stuff"*.
I love the goofy way my family sings happy birthday. There's nothing like it... and no two renditions are the same.
On my actual birthday, BJ and I are going to the state capital to lobby against a bill. (HB68 was written by Rep. Kay L. McIff as an attempt to protect
the HB141, also known as the "Public Waters Access Act". This bill directly affects us as fisherman and could affect the public because it changes who owns public water.)
The rest of the day is a surprise. BJ asked me what I wanted to do, and the only thing I wanted was to do something. He took that as license to plan a surprise. I used to hate surprises, but I'm not hating this one. He knows me well enough, and I like doing enough different things... I'm excited to see what he comes up with.
Mostly... I'm excited to be excited to be alive.
*Recipe for "Fruit Stuff"
16 oz bag frozen strawberries
1 can peach pie filling
1 (small) box peach jello
1 can mandarin oranges
1 can pineapple chunks or tidbits
a bunch of bananas.
Mix it all together and let it chill.