I keep thinking about the first step of the 12-Steps.
We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable
My life is definitely unmanageable. I am trying with everything I have to learn, to grow, to change, but it is not working. The harder I try, the farther I get from what I want.
I am powerless. I have always known that, because I have always felt His presence with me. I have known what to do next. I feel completely helpless.
I just want to be home with my husband. I want to be home protecting him from the dark. Knowing that he feels the same fear of the dark that I feel is breaking my heart. Knowing that fear has only developed over the past few months makes me feel horrible. I want to be home to protect him. I want him to know he is not alone. But he is. He is married to a woman that is not capable of being married.
I want to feel safe, and there is no where. My life has become only the pain I live in. I have tried to be positive. I have tried to focus on where I am going. I have tried to think about all of the things I am grateful for. In the end, there is nothing left but the pain, the anguish, the guilt, the shame, the heartache.
I believe there is a Power greater than me - I believe He can restore my sanity. He can help me overcome my shortcomings, but I am wondering if He will. I am wondering if I am supposed to suffer forever. I am wondering if He is trying, and I am too stupid to see, to understand and to do what is necessary to find the peace I so desperately want.
Please, Please, oh Please help me! Be with me! Guide me. Why am I so alone? Why can't I see my way in the dark. I don't know what to do next. I can't take much more of this.
I am trying. Do You see that? Do You know? Do You care? I don't want to rely on anyone but You. I don't want to put my faith anywhere but in You. Please, don't make me go through this anymore. What will it take for me to overcome? How much longer? How much more?
I want to say, Not my will, but Thine. I just don't know if I have it in me to offer anymore. My will has long been gone. I don't have anything left to keep me going. I want to serve You, but I just... feel... powerless.