This morning (and lets face it most mornings) I am being bombarded by shoulds.
I should go to Courage Reins and volunteer. I should go walk Bo and Sunny - give them some gentle exercise. I should read in my Tao of Equus book. I should get my therapy book, and read in that. I should do the exercises from the 12-step book. I should clean the office. I should go walking. I should write on my blog. I should eat snack now. I should eat lunch. I should go home. I should do dishes and laundry. I should call Katie, Amanda and Lauren to see how they are doing. I should call Dann. I should be thinking of fun things to do with him this weekend. I should be thinking about the tie website. I should...
Some of my shoulds are things that I wanted to do before... but now I have zero desire. All I want to do is go back to bed and cry.
Really, there are no shoulds. Really there are only needs and wants.
Do I want to go to courage reins today? No, not really. Maybe another day. Do I need to go to Courage Reins? Nope.
Do I want to go spend time with Bo and Sunny? Maybe. Do I need to? Nope, although they might really appreciate some exercise after yesterday's ride.
Do I want to read in my Tao of Equus book? Yes. I enjoy reading about that, but I also don't want to do it right now. Do I need to? Nope
Do I want to get my theraoy book, and read in that? No... Do I need to? It would be helpful, yes, but I don't need to do it right now.
Do I want to do the exercises from the 12-step book? No, not really. Do I need to? Again, it would be helpful, but I don't need to do it right now.
Do I want to clean the office? no - who would want to do that, but I do want the office clean. Do I need to clean? Not really...
Do I want to go walking? Yes. It would feel good to get my blood pumping, to be outside, and walking helps me think clearer. Do I need to go walking? Nope
Do I want to write on my blog? I want to have what I am thinking about written down, but no I don't really want to right now. Do I need to write on my blog? Yes. I think I do. It makes a big difference in my day if I write down my thoughts. Its like I can let go of them once I write them down.
Do I want to eat snack now? No. do I need to eat snack now? Yes.
Do I want to eat lunch? Not right now. I just ate snack. Do I need to eat lunch? Yes. I will need to eat, and I probably need to think about it right now, so I don't get myself stuck in a situation where I don't have anything.
Do I want to go home? No, although I do want to want to go home... Do I need to go home? I will need to eventually, but not right now.
Do I want to do dishes and laundry? of course not. Do I need to do dishes and laundry? Eventually, yes.
Do I want to call my friends to see how they are doing? No. Not right now. I don't feel like I could handle anyone else's crap right now. I am barely hanging on with my own... Do I need to call them? No. They are friends, and I care for them. If I don't call them, it will be ok.
Do I want to call Dann? I want to talk to him, but I don't know what I would say... I miss him. Do I need to call him? Yes... I probably do, to help reassure him. and to show me that I don't need to worry about what to talk about. We can just chat about nothing for a few minutes and it will help us both feel more connected.
Do I want to be thinking of fun things to do with him this weekend? If I wasn't feeling so stuck and overwhelmed, yes I would want to. Do I need to? No... Although it would help. When we have fun plans, we stay together longer and its easier for me to enjoy our time together. When we don't have anything planned, I don't want to do anything or be with him...
Do I want to be thinking about the tie website? Not right now. Do I need to? Eventually...
Its really quite amazing what asking these questions of myself has done. I feel no pressure to do any of them. I actually know things I can change so that I will want to do things, and I feel much better.
I'm going to the park. I am going to sit on a blanket in the warm sun. I am going to read. I am going to practice drawing the things I want to draw. I am going to watch little kids play. I am going to just sit with myself. And then I am going to go for a walk and get myself lunch at Rubio's. I am going to buy it, eat it and enjoy it myself. Because that is what I want and need to do to take care of me.