My ED thoughts (and behaviors) have been out of control for a month now. I kept promising myself I would do better, but then when it came down to it... I wouldn't. I was really frustrated with myself. Mostly, I was frustrated with how completely OFF my thinking was.
I was angry at BJ. I kept telling myself I had no right to be angry at him. THAT was false. It doesn't matter if I have a right or not... I was angry, and it is okay to feel angry...
I was afraid of hurting his feelings, or making him angry, or making him feel worse than he already did, or... a million reasons why I couldn't tell him I was mad at him.
Finally, yesterday, I told him that I was angry. I told him why. I didn't expect him to change anything. I just told him because I couldn't hold it in any longer.
Almost immediately, my ED thoughts calmed down. I won't say they were gone completely, but it was like everything that was completely off-kilter in my brain straightened out enough that I could think things through.
It was as if I had been punishing myself to keep myself quiet. I had been trying to tell him how angry I was with my behavior, and once I said that with my words, I didn't need to say it with my eating disorder anymore... and I have been okay ever since. (Not great... I still have things I need to work on, but much better.)
The moral of this story is - If I am honest with myself and others about what I am feeling, thinking and experiencing, then the eating disorder will not be able to hurt me or control me. When I lie, hide, or keep secrets, ED will take control.
Unfortunately, I was unaware of the reason ED was so huge until I started talking. That makes it difficult for me to figure out. Fortunately, it all worked out just fine. I had a few weeks of struggling, and now I am getting back on track.