Thursday, January 20, 2011

Just More

I shared my last entry (How I destroyed a marriage) with an online group as well as here. I had thought about sharing the story, but kept stopping myself. "If they know, they'll hate me."

Finally, I realized that wasn't who I wanted to be. If they're going to hate me for the choices that I make... I'd rather be honest and hated then pretend and ASSUME they'll hate me.

The responses were amazing! Most were super kind and very protective of me. One, just made my day:
"For those who are concerned about Jen's welfare, I think you're awesome. Many of you have never met her, and you're still this concerned for her.

But I wanted to give you some insider info, as one who has met Jen IRL. When I saw her the first time at a CALM meeting (back in October) she looked so brittle, timid and scared... I thought she would shatter if I looked at her funny.

I have a hard time reconciling that image with how she is now. More confident. More centered. More... just more. I think now that I'd be more scared she'd feed me my own teeth if I looked at her funny. She's able to express anger at the church, and at the people who harmed her in a way she couldn't before. Before, I didn't get the impression that expressing that anger was easy, or possible in some cases.

And she's gonna keep getting better."
I have felt that I am becoming more. More calm, more confident, more centered, just more. And it helped to have someone who has only known for a few months to repeat that.

I used to be so afraid of who I was. I was afraid of who I was going to become when I was really me. I realized today, I'm not afraid anymore. I'm not afraid of me or who I am... I don't fully know who that will be yet, and I'm not afraid.

1 comment:

  1. It's always validating to have someone say things like that. I agree. You have become more.