Friday, January 21, 2011

...walking around with my skin peeled off.

A friend once told me that trauma work was like "walking around in the sun with your skin peeled off". I thought the analogy was PERFECT. Its painful, and I feel vulnerable, and painful, and other people don't know quite how to handle me, and...

I'd forgotten just what it feels like. For more than two years, I felt it everyday, all day, all the time, never a break. But with life being calmer the last six months, I was beginning to forget.

I've had a rough couple of days. I shared things about myself that were hard to share. Although the feedback I have gotten has been 100% positive, I have still felt icky.

I realized this afternoon, when all I wanted to do was hide in my room, I've now bared myself. Everyone has been very kind, better than I could have expected, but it hurts to peel off your skin...

I'm feeling very vulnerable and raw. I'm not planning on disappearing, and I need some time to nurse the raw wounds. I'm taking extra special care of myself. I've spent most of the day curled up in a blanket in the backyard with Sunny. (Thank goodness its above freezing!) I don't know how long I'll need, and I will take just the right amount for me.


  1. Do what you gotta do. It's hard to put yourself out there and talk about things that make you vulnerable. There's a reason I mostly talk about funny stuff on my blog. It's not nearly as scary.

  2. Hey Jen,
    I am amazed that you are still so strong after everything you've been through. I hope you don't mind that I read your posts. You are great at writing and expressing your thoughts and feelings. Like you've said, no one deserves to be hurt. Everyone deserves to be loved. I hope things keep getting better for you and that you have many more happy days ahead.

  3. Jeff - I'd like to read some of your less funny stuff. Its scary and hard to put myself out there, and its also kind of amazing... I had no idea that there were so many people that could understand.

    Mansfield Fam - Thank you! Things have improved dramatically. Its amazing to think back even a few months ago and see the difference.
    (And of course I don't mind!)