Finally

Abuse.
I didn't know how damaging it was until I listened to BJ talk. I heard the insanity in his voice, his words, but the part that was most horrifying: I heard it in his heart and soul.

It felt like I had been slapped in the face.
I was looking in a mirror. I didn't like what I saw. Not at all. I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be the person that takes it, and thinks its my fault. I don't want to be the person that thinks she can fix it if she is just nice enough, understanding enough, kind enough, strong enough, good enough...

The anger I felt for Ginger? I think finally I am seeing how a healthy person would feel towards abuse. For the first time EVER I have no attachment to the abuser. I felt pure anger. Its not that I wanted to hurt her. Or break things. Or anything violent. I just wanted the abuse to stop.

For the first time EVER, I didn't think about how she felt, or tried to understand why she was hurting him, or... I just felt angry.

With my dad, I could see WHY. I knew it wasn't right, but I couldn't see any other option. He was supposed to teach Jeff. He was supposed to show him the right way. And if Jeff refused to listen... what else could he do?

With Jeff, my dad was mean. It made sense he would be mean to Zack, or my mom, or even me sometimes. It wasn't his fault. I didn't like it. I HATED it, but what else could he do?

With Johnny, with Larry, with Dann, with Amy, with Katie, with people at school, with Brother Sackett, with my family, with the boys at the group home, all of them... what else could they do?

I don't know. I don't know what they could have done.
And it doesn't even matter.

Today, I am angry.
Not at me. For the first time in forever, not at me.

Finally. Not at me.

To Dare

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach for another is to risk involvement.
To expose your ideas, your dreams,
before a crowd is to risk their loss.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To believe is to risk failure.
But risks must be taken,
because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
They may avoid suffering and sorrow,
but they cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, live.
Chained by their attitudes, they are slaves;
they have forfeited their freedom.

Only a person who risks is free.

Author Unknown

April Showers

I hate showers. Especially the kind that involve women. Celebrating weddings. Or babies.

Today, I had not just one, but TWO!

...anxiety... through the roof...
In the car, my sister decided to talk about her debate class... someone said something about, "You can't be raped when you're married." She did amazing on the debate, because she felt so strongly that NO means NO! Even when you're married.

And suddenly, the three of us: mom, sis, and I were talking TOTALLY openly about everything. I would list the topics, but well... I don't wanna... I will say I talked about things I have never talked about outside of my CFC circle.

I was not quiet. I was not meek. I was not kind. I was ME in all my glory... And nobody shat in their pants... (At least that I know of.)

I survived the showers. I don't think I would have if I hadn't had the open talks before hand. I probably would have lost my mind... in ways most unbecoming...

Mel even said she LIKED opinionated Jen. Whoda thunkit?

To the one I never met,

Talking to Steph tonight. She told me about Kendall's goodbye. Kendall was Brie's little girl. She died before she ever lived. Kind of like you.

Like you, Kendall saved Brie's life. Brie was lost in her eating disorder. Somehow Kendall's short stay showed Brie the way back. Finally, Brie is alive... in a way her family has never seen before.
I thought of you. I was not lost in an eating disorder, but I was lost. I was going through all the motions, but not living. I was not excited for your life, nor grieved when it ended. I was too numb to feel either emotion.

The day I found out I was going to miscarry, I knew deep down inside this needed to happen. Dann and I needed to go through the experience of losing you. I couldn't explain it better than that.

I knew that our home was no place for a child. I knew it would not be safe for you. I didn't understand how much needed to change until I thought of bringing you into the world. From then on, I wanted to make my body healthier. I wanted to make my mind healthier. I wanted to make my relationship with Dann healthier.

I wanted to know you would have been safe if you had lived.

Thank you for coming into my life. Thank you for sacrificing your life so I could find mine. Thank you for sacrificing your life, so Dann could find himself. Thank you for coming and changing everything.

Thank you for saving me.

I don't know who I will become next. I don't know if I will ever be a mother to anyone but you.
My heart aches because I never knew you. I have tried to console myself with the thought that there wasn't really a child there. Only tonight, listening to Steph talk about Brie and Kendall, I knew differently.

I am sorry I wasn't ready to receive you. I am sorry I didn't know how to take better care of myself. I am sorry I didn't nurture you. I am sorry I didn't want you to come to our home.

I want to ask for your forgiveness, but I don't think I deserve it. I still don't want to be a mother. I still don't want to put my body through that. I still don't want you to come to my home.

For now, I am grateful for you. My life is forever different because of you.
Thank you,

your
would-have-been
mother

A little nervous

So, last week, I made this blog public... However, I purposely made it so family or friends couldn't find it by searching me.

My sister asked if she could read it. Since I actually started this whole thing as a way to share myself a little more, and I REALLY want my family to know me... I said yes.

I am tempted to go and delete a bunch of entries. I am tempted to change it so she only sees the fun, happy, smiling posts... but that would defeat the purpose.

So, here goes nothing.
Here's to letting people into my life. Here's to seeing if I am lovable as I am. Here's to a lot of worries and a lot of fears that probably have no basis in reality.

...here's to "feeling the fear and doing it anyway..."

Don't know where I found it, but I like it

I've made mistakes in my life.
I've let people take advantage of me,
and I accepted way less than I deserve.
But I've learned from my bad choices,
and even though there are some things I can never get back.
People who will never be sorry.
I'll know better next time.
I won't settle for anything less than I deserve.