I was stressing about how to get snack in. I was trying to think it through. I was trying to plan it out. It was one of those absurd moments, because I knew it was not that big of a deal, but it was really stressing to me. I was telling BJ about it. And I told him that I wasn't really stressed about snack, but...
Over the next five minutes, we went back and forth about what it will be like to be back on the unit. I went through incredibly intense experiences there. They are now pretty distant in my mind, but spending time ON THE UNIT. Memories will not be so distant.
Also, I will be ON THE UNIT, but not a patient... Yet, I will still feel like a patient. (The fact that he understood all of this even though he has never been through it is amazing to me. I am SO grateful!!!!) He reminded me that at any time, I can ask them to buzz me out, and THEY WILL! I think I really needed that reminder, because it is very possible I will forget...
Now I am aware of at least some of the things that will be hard:
- It will be hard to see K... I really want to see her, and it will be fun, but still hard.
- She's not following rules, and she is telling me some of her sneakiness... I don't want to be a part of that. I plan on talking to her about it, and letting her know its not okay with me. (Meaning, I expect her to talk to Kim about it. If she doesn't, I will... OH GEEZ!!! That scares the living daylights out of me!!!! But I can't watch her be sneaky when I know what that does to HER. I won't be a part of it!)
- It will be hard to be back on the unit where I went through so much, and I will remember all that I went through.
- It will be hard to be back on the unit, but not a patient, and now I get to figure out who to be while I'm visiting.
- I will want to put on the face of "perfectly recovered" for the staff and other girls. I'm not. Things are still really hard, and still pretty good at the same time... I don't know what to share if people ask how I am doing. I will feel judged, even if no one is judging me but me.
- I am very sensitive to other people's emotions... and CFC is an incredibly emotionally intense place. I don't know how to be around that and NOT feel it all... I will need a lot of time (after I leave) to figure out what feelings were mine and what belonged to others.
- And snack...
I will leave my phone and food in the car. When K goes for snack, I will go to the car for my snack and text him. (He reminded me that no one at CFC is going to tell me to eat while Katie is... if I don't be assertive and ASK, it won't happen. Asking for help is still something I struggle with sometimes, but I won't want to let him down if I know he is waiting for my text...And once I am out to the car, eating the dang thing will be the easy part. I feel a little ridiculous that I needed this plan and also very grateful to have it!)
Once I get home... I'll probably cry a lot... need some time to think... I might need a friend to talk to... I might really want to be alone... So, I give myself permission to do what I need (whatever that is) to take care of me.