Saturday, December 20, 2008

Sometimes its exhausting to be me

Because of the abuse and my desire to be good, I have spent my believing I don't deserve anything good until I am perfect. I have been fighting against this belief for a long time. I have acted as if I deserved good things, even when I didn't feel it. Still, it continues to exhaust me. Is this part of Me, the Real Me? I don't think so.

How long do I have to fight against the belief that I don’t deserve anything before I begin to feel like I deserve good things? I think about silly things, and I feel guilty. I am not sure how other people think or feel, but I get so tired of fighting against the crap in my head.
  • I drive into a parking lot, and feel like I should park at the back. There are people that need and deserve the places at the front more than I do.
  • I sit in the living room. There are six seats on the couch and seven people. I should be the one to take the floor.
  • On the bus, when others walk in, I should stand so they can sit.
  • I notice the smallest piece of food, and that is the one I should take (if I take any).
  • If someone else wants to give me a hug, and I don’t want it, I should let them. They need the love and the comfort, and it doesn’t hurt me that much.
  • I feel like I should apologize for being in the way if someone steps on me.
  • If someone mentions something that needs to be done, I should be the one to do it.
  • If someone else is working, I have no right to sit still. I need to be working and helping.
  • If everyone is sitting, that is still no excuse, I should be up and working.
  • If someone else is hurting, I deserve to be hurting too.
  • Everyone wants to ride the horse, so I feel like I shouldn’t take a turn. I will let everyone else go first, and then maybe, I can go too.
  • I feel guilty for making the horse carry me.
  • If I see someone else walking or taking the bus, I feel guilty for driving in my car. Something in my head says they deserve the car more than I do.
  • I don’t deserve to spend money on myself for anything: clothes, food, vacations, cars, nothing!
  • I feel guilty for every word I talk about myself. Other people need to talk about themselves, and they don’t want to hear about me.
  • I feel guilty for laughing when there is no one else to see the smile on my face.
  • In lines, driving, everywhere, I feel guilty if I go before anyone else.
Logically, I know I deserve good things in my life. I deserve to eat, to sit on the couch, to be happy, to smile just for me, but it still takes so much work to live that way. It’s funny to me that even writing this I feel guilty, because I feel inadequate… like I don’t deserve to complain about these things.

Monday, November 17, 2008

The start of this blog

I don't know quite how to start.. I have had another blog, my private journal, for a long time. There are many things in that blog that I want to share. There are experiences that I think could help others. There are lessons I have learned that I can't keep to myself.

I don't know how this will work. Its hard to share the positives of this journey without sharing at least some of the crap... But, I don't want to burden anyone with too much of the details.
We will see how this goes.

I will repost things from that blog... I hope I can pick things that won't trigger people too much, or upset people, but will help people understand what its like. This journey is HARD!

I want those who have been abused to know there is a way out, and I want the whole journey documented. I want those who are "secondary survivors" (friends of sexual abuse survivors) to understand what their friends are going through. I want people with eating disorders to see that there is a way out. I want to share some of the crazy thinking that goes on inside the eating disorder brain.

Mostly, I want to share me. I want people to understand ME. I don't know who that is exactly, but I will.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Still Me

Often, once a person has developed an eating disorder, it is easy to begin thinking of yourself as an Eating Disorder. Once a person has been abused, she begins to think of herself as a victim. Better than a victim, is a survivor, but I think no matter what happens to me, I am still me.

Abuse, eating disorders, addictions, life experiences have changed me forever, but I am still me. Please, see me! Understand me! Don’t lump me in a category, so you don’t have to know me.

I want to be loved for who I am. I want to be heard for what I have to say. I want to be known for what I have to offer.

Please, don’t forget, I am still me.