Saturday, December 20, 2008

Sometimes its exhausting to be me

Because of the abuse and my desire to be good, I have spent my believing I don't deserve anything good until I am perfect. I have been fighting against this belief for a long time. I have acted as if I deserved good things, even when I didn't feel it. Still, it continues to exhaust me. Is this part of Me, the Real Me? I don't think so.

How long do I have to fight against the belief that I don’t deserve anything before I begin to feel like I deserve good things? I think about silly things, and I feel guilty. I am not sure how other people think or feel, but I get so tired of fighting against the crap in my head.
  • I drive into a parking lot, and feel like I should park at the back. There are people that need and deserve the places at the front more than I do.
  • I sit in the living room. There are six seats on the couch and seven people. I should be the one to take the floor.
  • On the bus, when others walk in, I should stand so they can sit.
  • I notice the smallest piece of food, and that is the one I should take (if I take any).
  • If someone else wants to give me a hug, and I don’t want it, I should let them. They need the love and the comfort, and it doesn’t hurt me that much.
  • I feel like I should apologize for being in the way if someone steps on me.
  • If someone mentions something that needs to be done, I should be the one to do it.
  • If someone else is working, I have no right to sit still. I need to be working and helping.
  • If everyone is sitting, that is still no excuse, I should be up and working.
  • If someone else is hurting, I deserve to be hurting too.
  • Everyone wants to ride the horse, so I feel like I shouldn’t take a turn. I will let everyone else go first, and then maybe, I can go too.
  • I feel guilty for making the horse carry me.
  • If I see someone else walking or taking the bus, I feel guilty for driving in my car. Something in my head says they deserve the car more than I do.
  • I don’t deserve to spend money on myself for anything: clothes, food, vacations, cars, nothing!
  • I feel guilty for every word I talk about myself. Other people need to talk about themselves, and they don’t want to hear about me.
  • I feel guilty for laughing when there is no one else to see the smile on my face.
  • In lines, driving, everywhere, I feel guilty if I go before anyone else.
Logically, I know I deserve good things in my life. I deserve to eat, to sit on the couch, to be happy, to smile just for me, but it still takes so much work to live that way. It’s funny to me that even writing this I feel guilty, because I feel inadequate… like I don’t deserve to complain about these things.


  1. This one definitely gave me more insight into your thoughts. Reading how guilty you feel makes me almost feel selfish because it has never occurred to me to think most of those things.

    I actually do tend to park further away in parking lots. But it's not because I feel undeserving, I just figure there are plenty of people who don't have the health I do that could use a shorter walk.

    On busses I will sit down but if I see an older person or someone who I feel needs it more than me I will stand for them. But again, it's a different form of thinking.

    Just know that you are just as deserving as everyone else. When you lose the belief that you have no right to happiness, you lose the opportunity to choose to give of yourself in service. Once you understand that you are deserving just as much as the next person, then you are free to serve others if you choose to.

    It's hard to define the line between giving of yourself because it makes you happier to give, and giving of yourself because because you think the other person deserves it more than you. I hope you can find that line. You deserve it.

    Also, once you understand that you deserve happiness, you can do things that make you happy, give when it makes you happy, but also, you can stop giving when you've given too much. All of those things are important parts of the whole.

  2. Wow. This is an eye opener. I have felt many of these same things. Very interesting. I'm excited to read more about you.

  3. It's weird to me that I've half of these thoughts. Just not in quite the same way. In my head, it has a more positive spin(For the most part) that I take a pleasure in being the one to sacrifice. It's not a guilt for me, it's a oh I should enjoy sacrificing for them.

    Recently I've realized it's because I have a ridiculous lack of self worth that is part of it, I think. It's something I'm totally working on too though.

  4. I don't mean to argue, but when you say "should" it usually comes from guilt. I see a very amazing person in you. I hope you can come to love you as much as I love you (and even more, because you know you better than I ever could.)