Saturday, October 30, 2010

Still Miraculous

I moved to a teeny-tiny town. I did it!

Today, as I finished cleaning my apartment, I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude. When I moved in, I didn't like the place. It was where I went "until I could change enough to go back". I felt like I was a kid being sent to my room. I was lonely. I was hurting.

At the same time, the way I found the place was perfect.
Desperate. Dying. Felt like the world was collapsing. I'd looked and looked for a place, but there was nothing that felt safe enough for me to even imagine trying to go to.
Sleeping under a trailer seemed better than most options.

And then Bishop Campbell met my landlord, and they told him about the little basement apartment that they only rent to single women. They didn't need a deposit, and they would work with me on paying the rent, and they were just kind people. So, that night, I stayed there.

So much happened there at that little place. Before I left, I sat down and said a prayer. Thanking God for the amazing progress I have made. For leading me on this journey. For everything that has happened to get me to this place.

The thought came to call Bishop Campbell. For the next two minutes, I argued with myself. And then I called him. He answered and said, "Wow. The spirit just works in amazing ways!"

It turns out an hour before I called, he'd been asking current bishop how I was doing. Current dude wouldn't tell him, because bishop confidentiality or something... Really... he has no clue how I'm doing... But that's beside the point. Bishop Campbell was at meetings, and they had just broken two minutes earlier. If I had called five minutes later, I would have missed him.

I told him about the divorce. I told him I was moving. I told him about many of my questions. I told him that I was making choices that many people are questioning, and I told him I didn't really care what people thought, because I just had to live my life.

He told me how amazingly strong with the spirit I am. He told me that he trusted me, because I wouldn't do anything that I didn't need to do to progress. He's seen it over and over. And then he told me that in all the times he'd talked to me, he'd never heard me sound so good.

I feel good. I feel excited. I feel light.
And my life is still miraculous in ways I will never be able to explain.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Absolutely Nothing!

I don't know where the thought came from. It might be gone tomorrow.
Today, I know, there is absolutely nothing wrong with me.
I am perfect just the way I am.

Not because of anything I have done, or will do, or think, or say, or don't say, or want, or...
Just because I am me.
I am perfect!

Saturday, October 2, 2010

I joined the symphony!

How long have I wanted to do this?
Too long.

I love the way it feels to play again.
I love the way it feels to play with the full orchestra.
I love the way it feels when I "get it" and the music just flows through me.
I love the way it feels when the violin sings out.
I love the way it feels to count out the measures, watch the conductor, and feel the big picture of the whole song.

So anxious to start. SO GLAD I DID!
It feels amazing!!

Friday, October 1, 2010

They say its healthy to share, but...

Not sure why I feel the need to comment... I suppose this will just make me one of your "bitter sinners"... and I guess I'm willing to stand up and be hated.

I don't really care if Joseph Smith was a prophet or insane. I don't really care if Thomas Monson has spoken to God or not. I have prayed (and prayed and prayed) to understand and to know and to be who I need to be.

I was born in the church. I was married in the temple. Unfortunately, then I was treated with violence. I sought help from the "men of God" I was surrounded by, and they used similar rhetoric to what you just used... I was not happy in my marriage because I was sinning.

In the book, The 4 Agreements, Miguel Ruiz defines sin as any time we go against ourselves. I like that definition. I believe it acknowledge the Godliness within me, and I can do what is best for ME. I don't need a prophet to tell me what to do, it is within me.

Yes, I have a lot of guilt. I was taught by church leaders and parents alike to "be nice", "be selfless", "be quiet". I was taught that to think about myself AT ALL was selfish and shouldn't be done. I believed those teachings completely. I bought into them and repeated them to myself. Its hard to let go of the guilt when its constantly being rammed down my throat.

So I left. Not in the "remove my name" sense, but in the I can't go to church. I can't talk about it with you. Its not good for me.

And then all of my family, and all of the people that told me not to be selfish, so that they could be. All of the self-serving, self-righteous, abusive people in my life began telling me why I shouldn't do what I knew I HAD to.

I have been many abusive relationships, but the most abusive relationship is the one I have had with the church. I don't know how other people are. I suppose if a person is healthy in mind and spirit, the church wouldn't be able to hurt them. Does that justify what they do? Does it make it okay to abuse those who AREN'T healthy? And when it starts in childhood, how does one ever learn that it is okay to protect themselves?

If it makes any difference, I have had two different bishops tell me not to come to church. They heard ME and decided to guide ME.

I don't expect anyone else to follow my path. Its MY path. I do expect people to respect my path. And I expect everyone to know enough about who they are to travel their own path.

One of my favorite quotes is, "You're lost. One often gets lost when they use someone else's map."

Joseph Smith believed in personal revelation. The Book of Mormon challenges people to know for themselves. Just because you have proven it true for you, does that mean it MUST be true for everyone?

I don't believe lashing out in anger will help anyone... however, I also believe that sharing the darkest parts of ourselves gives us the best chance for healing.

Please come down off your high horse. Don't dismiss us all in the same way. You belong to a church that values agency beyond anything else.

SHOW ME that I can be loved for who I am, and I might just want to hang around.