Tuesday, March 31, 2009

As if it never happened?

Talking to my husband tonight, I made the comment, "It will never be like it didn't happen, but it will get better than this."

His reply, "The prophets say it can be like it never happened."

What?!? I don't see how. Will I forget? Will the memories be gone? Will I have my childhood back? Will I have my teenage years back? How can that be possible?

He told me to go look it up in conference talks. They all talk about how through the atonement, it will be like our sins never happened. It doesn't say anything about child abuse or rape.

I have been reading talks all night, and they don't make me feel better. Mostly, I feel more guilty and disgusting, because I am not clean. It talks about making yourself clean, becoming pure, etc. I am not any of those things. I don't feel like I ever can be.

I am not even sure I want it to be as if it never happened. I am on a journey to find ME. I am who I am because of the experiences I have had, and because of my desire to learn from every experience.

Monday, March 30, 2009

I want

to sleep through the night at my own house.
to eat without thinking.
to stop hurting.
to go to work and concentrate on work.
to stop being a burden.
to forget.
to be held.
to be loved.
to go home.
to be with my husband.
to laugh, cry, smile, whatever... and not feel the pains at the same time.
to be understood.
to help someone else.
to make a difference.
to stop having nightmares and night terrors.
for others to stop hurting.
to know that healing is possible.
to heal.

Be not afraid of going slowly, be afraid only of standing still

This is from an email newsletter I got today... I guess I really, REALLY need to learn to be patient...

Do you ever get frustrated because things are moving too slowly in your life? Many people don't realize that building a foundation for success does not happen overnight. It is a slow process in which you are constantly working and learning. After all, that foundation must remain strong, even in times of failure or crisis. This takes time! You may have to remind yourself that "failing" is only failure if you quit; otherwise it's a learning opportunity. So don't worry if your life seems to be moving in slow motion. Concentrate on building a solid foundation and learning from your back steps.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Blessings list

When I'm feeling this down, I am supposed to think about my blessings. Here goes:
  • My husband is so sweet and loving. He cares so much about me. He wants me to be happy.
  • He is working so hard to change himself to be better.
  • Bishop Johnson cares about me. He would also do almost anything for me.
  • Bishop Campbell is trying hard to understand and to support me.
  • My cat.
  • Friends like Lauren, Katie, Amanda, and others.
  • DDR - I know I'm not supposed to do it, but it makes me feel better, thus its a blessing.
  • Yesterday morning was really nice for me.
  • Piano
  • Music
  • After the Silence Board that helps me feel less crazy...
  • My husband makes me laugh.
  • Trying new things makes me happy
  • Horses! Although I am currently very sad that I haven't seen the horses in more than a week!
  • This will pass. I will feel better.
  • Its 1 pm on Sunday... And its General Conference next week. Two weeks until I have to think about going to church again. And Sunday is nearly over... sort of.


I love the month of February. I love the feeling of knowing spring is coming - even though you can't see it yet. I love the subtle changes that come. It is exciting to me.
I hate the month of March. I hate looking at the blossoms that have poked up, but seeing the dreary skies. It feels cold, and it feels like spring should be here already. I worry that the blossoms and buds will freeze in the snowstorms. I wonder if the hope I felt for spring was false... it isn't really coming. It will never be warm.

Yet, every year - eventually the warm weather comes to stay. Most years the blossoms and buds survive and thrive. And even the years they freeze, other flowers come up and they are just as beautiful.

That is how I feel about my life right now. I felt the hope of spring coming. I couldn't see the changes but knew they were there. Today, it feels like the blossoms are going to freeze and the hope was false. Spring will never come... Yet, I know it will. Its just taking longer than I wanted it to. Eventually, the light will be here to stay.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

You look good - have you lost weight?

Its funny how in this society, "Have you lost weight?" is the best compliment we can give.

Even when I first got back from CFC, people said, "Wow. You look really good. You must have lost weight." I didn't have the heart to tell them, "Well, actually, I have gained quite a bit of weight, but I really needed to..."

The good news from where I'm sitting is that when a co-worker said it yesterday, I didn't take it as a compliment or as a put-down. When I answered her question with a very honest, "I don't think so, but I really don't know," she continued with, "You are just so little!"

My answer, "Yes. I am."

I am very small. I don't see that as a good thing... or as a bad thing... I just am.
She thought it was a good thing. She then went on about how she was gaining weight, blah, blah, blah.

Why do we as a society give more worth to small people than to large people? I have a body that is smaller... I don't see that as a blessing. I don't think I am soooo lucky.

I'm just me.

I love me! And if in the future, my body changes and I'm not so little. I will love me then too.

Friday, March 27, 2009

I could get used to this...

Last night, I went to sleep.

And then, I just slept.

Nothing exciting. No nightmares. No waking up with every sound or movement. No waking up drenched in sweat. No fear. No heart-pounding or racing.

Really... I just slept.

Then, I opened my eyes when I was done sleeping, and I felt like getting up. So, I did.

Weird... I know, but I could get used to it.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Interdependence vs. Codependence

Talking to Paul today, we talked about codependent relationships. I had very strong feelings as he was talking.

Codependence means I can't live without you.
Interdependence means I love you, I don't want to be without you, but I know my true strength is not in you, but in Him.
Codependence means I have to do this or that for you.
Interdependence means I choose to do things for you, and I know that if I don't help you - you will take care of yourself, or the Lord will provide for you.
Codependence means I won't take care of myself, or I won't let you serve me.
Interdependence means I take care of myself, and I let you serve me.
Codependence is unhealthy.
Interdependence is healthy. It feels right.
Codependence makes me feel weak.
Interdependence makes me stronger than I would be alone.

Magnificence just waiting inside

Today in session, Paul and I talked about the conversation with Katie, and then the extreme panic that followed. His suggestion was that the panic was a reaction to me telling her that she wasn't there... because I am not all here yet.

I had to agree that was definitely part of it.

I get glimpses every once in a while. I really like what I see. I think that woman is magnificent. She is confident, caring compassionate, very in tune with the spirit, fiery, assertive, strong, courageous, gutsy, funny, clever, etc. She knows things about life, other people, and she sees a bigger picture.

I would like her to be around more often. I would like to be her all of the time. I would like to be ME more often!

Monday, March 23, 2009

A quote from church that meant a lot to me

"Now, ponder the magnificence of what you see when you look in the mirror. Ignore the freckles, the unruly hair, or the blemishes, and look beyond to see the real you—a child of God—created by him, in his image. If we lift the lid on the treasure chest of the marvelous attributes of our bodies, we can discover, at least in part, the magnificence of man."

(Russel M. Nelson)


My thoughts on forgiveness... specifically forgiving an abuser. Its true that forgiveness is necessary, but its at the top of a long flight of stairs. You can't just skip 20 flights of stairs. You have to walk up each step. Sometimes you can run up them, and sometimes you can skip one or two stairs, but you can't skip 20 flights. If you try, you'll fall down farther and harder and have to start lower than if you just walked up them. When people say, "Just Forgive," and other things like that, they are forgetting that it is a process and it takes time.

In the case of child sexual abuse, that abuse has truly changed our lives forever. We can never go back to the innocence of a child. We can never go back to the time when we didn't have sexual feelings. Our bodies were not ready for what the abuser did to us. So, even when we do forgive our abuser, we will still have to deal with things that a person who has never been abused can ever understand.

We can heal completely, and forgiveness is a part of that healing, but again it is a process. We can't skip up a flight of stairs. We have to progress step by step. Its so slow! It frustrates us as much (or more) than everyone watching us. We wish we could skip ahead too, but when you push us to do that, you just push us back. We fall, and then we have to deal with getting back up, and walking up the stairs we have already walked on once.

Please, be patient as we try to forgive and heal our lives.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

My life is a great opportunity brilliantly disguised as an impossible situation.

Letter of hope - rough draft

When I entered CFC, I believed I could give up the eating disorder behaviors on my own. I had done it before, but I knew I needed help to change me. I walked in the doors ready and willing to give up the eating disorder, anxieties, and anything else that might stand in my way.

I was scared. I didn't want to be around other women who weren't willing to fight as hard as I was. I was pleasantly surprised by the amazing women there with me. Everyone there was willing and working so hard to change their lives. I am so grateful that I was lead to CFC at that exact moment in time.

I fought hard the whole time I was there. And then it came time to leave. I wasn't cured... and in fact when I left had more anxieties and crazy feelings than when I walked in.

I went back to work, but struggled to get anything done. I couldn't sleep at night. I had new fears, new nightmares, new struggles and pains that I had never experienced before. At first, I was angry. Why didn't they help me? Why didn't they change me for the better? Why am I worse now? But, as time as passed, I have seen the amazing depth of the things CFC taught me.

I continued to fight against the eating disorder. I continued to talk about the things that had happened to me in the past. I continued to talk about how I felt. I continued to challenge false beliefs. I just kept pushing forward - even when I wasn't sure which direction forward was.

I couldn't see it at the time, but everyday things were changing. I was learning, growing, and becoming someone new and better.

I researched ways to better myself. I asked questions of people around me. The answers I got astounded me - I had learned everything from something at CFC.

Radical acceptance, Opposite Action, Non-judgment, Be an observer, Be mindful, Listen to your heart, Sound waves for healing, Analyzing lyrics, Openness and honesty, the value of journaling, positive coping mechanisms, Listen to your body, Self-care, Ask for help, etc.

There was nothing that I hadn't heard before. How blessed I am to have had that experience that taught me so much (even if I need reminders because I can't remember it all).

And now, I can see the changes everyday. Last week, I cried, REALLY cried for the first time in 25 years. Today, when I felt a little discouraged, I also knew it would pass and I would feel hopeful again. Who knows what will change tomorrow? I am excited to find out.

Although the abuse and trauma from my past have changed me forever, I am healing from them. They will not run my life forever - and in fact the power they have had over me shrinks and evaporates everyday. I know I will heal completely, and I will be stronger than I can imagine right now.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

I don't want to... a deep look into my brain

There is so much to write. I know it will help me. I know it will get me through this. I know it feels better if i am regularly writing here... I just don't wanna.

I don't know what to right (that's crap, but I am going to say it anyways.) I don't want to write the things that I am thinking about. I just want it all to go away NOW!!!

I don't want to write about observing myself as I have a flashback. I don't want to write about trying to remember my own memories from my point of view, so that I can have control of them. (If they're my memories, I can control them - if they aren't, I have no control... Its a theory.)
I don't want to write how my body has been extra sensitive the past two days, and I really don't want anyone touching me. Even Bishop Johnson - don't hug me, don't come near me. STAY AWAY.

I don't want to write about my nightmares or flashbacks. I don't want to write about how much it hurts, or how confused I feel. I don't want to write about how I feel stuck between two worlds.
I don't want to write about how guilty I feel that Lauren has thanked me for my example when it comes to the gospel, and I have such a hard time going to church. It makes me sad, but I don't want to write about it.

I even don't want to write about how fun the day was. I don't want to write about how good it felt to be outside, and to be with him - even though I wasn't playing. I want to go again, because it was way fun. I don't want to write about how I survived watching a movie, doing ties, and just talking with him until almost 10, and I spent the whole day with him.

I don't want to write about how intense everything is right now. I don't want to write about how this morning I woke up feeling intensely depressed and angry, but then it all worked out. I got over those feelings.

I don't want to write about how much I just wanted to take pills today. I don't want to write about how I am thinking about taking them even now. I don't want to write about how much I wanted to play DDR. I don't want to write about how much I enjoyed walking today. I love the way it feels to move my muscles and just look at things around me. I don't want to write about all of the thoughts I had while I was walking.

I don't want to write about how I really want to become a foster mom for very young children, and look into adopting children from foster care. I know I am not ready for that yet, but it makes me happy thinking about it in the near future. I think my husband and I would be the perfect people to help kids who have been through hell in their early lives to sort it all out.

I don't want to write about how fun it was to talk to my husband about himself, and the things he is trying to sort out and learn and heal from.

I don't want to write about coming to the Johnson's home, and that although I am incredibly grateful that I can be here, and that I have this opportunity, I really just want to be home. I want to wake up next to my husband tomorrow morning... instead, I am going to wake up here, and it makes me cranky.

I don't want to write about the goal I have to set up a home where other people in the same situation as me can come to feel safe. I will have staff to help them in the nights, but then they will go about their daily lives too... just a place to sleep and get through the flashbacks, nightmares, and to have a chance to sort things out.

I don't want to write about how afraid I feel right now. I don't want to go to sleep, because I can feel a lot of emotions just waiting to get me and overwhelm me. I know they say don't resist, but i don't want to go through it anymore!

I don't want to write about how I wish Bishop Johnson was in here with me, or Dann was here, or someone was here, because I just don't want to be alone. But then, I remember that when they are here, its more frightening, and I feel crazy.

I don't want to write about how I want to do something really cool for my husband's birthday. I don't know what - I just want him to know that I am grateful for him, and that he is special to me.

I don't want to write about how worried I am about Katie. I don't want to write about how angry I am at her for giving in, and for giving up. I don't want to write about how sad I feel when I think about my friend... who is still alive, but I can't really talk to. I don't know where she went, but she's not here.

I don't want to write about how much I just want to go for a walk right now. I don't want to write about how I hate being here. I don't want to write about how I just wish I had a home where I felt safe, and it was mine.

i don't want to write about how much I am dreading going to church tomorrow but I always survive it - its not that bad. What's my problem? When will I ever get over all of my stupidness?!?

i don't want to write about the names I keep calling myself inside my head. I don't want to write about how ineffective and stupid that is, and yet I keep doing it. I don't want to write about how I feel like I should punish myself, because I don't deserve all of the love, help, and time I have been given by the Johnsons, my sweetheart, and so many others.

I don't want to write about how tired I feel: physically, emotionally, mentally: just tired all over!

I just don't want to have to write anymore. I want to go home, and just be done with all of this CRAP!

Sunday, March 8, 2009


"you're uncomfortable talking about rape?".....(and then on the back maybe)...."Just think how I felt living it!"

"this is what a survivor looks like"

I refuse to lose

"Survivor under construction"

"If ignorance is bliss, you must be very happy."

Your mother
Jane Doe was raped today.... ....ready to join us NOW?

"I was never your victim...Only a strong person who happened to be, At the wrong place, At the wrong time."

emotionally fragile but stronger than you'll ever know

Believe me, I wish I could just "Get over it"

I WANT A REAL MAN who can appreciate the thrill of a conscious consenting lover!

"Ha! I Win"

Adults say
Please and
Excuse me

I have to live with it... --RAPED--

"Ignorance may be bliss but it's not a choice for me!"

I run like a girl! (on the front) Just try and keep up! (on the back)

Friday, March 6, 2009


I don't feel like writing. I don't know what to write. It hurts like hell. Please don't touch me. I can't sleep... I'm trying. I feel sick. My whole body hurts. I don't want to be alone here. I want to be normal now, but I'm not.

Please don't make me go through this anymore. Forgive me, I will go through it, but please give me strength. Guide me - I can't take it much longer. Forgive me for being so weak. I want to be strong. I want to show my faith. It just hurts. I don't know what else I can do for myself.
I feel discouraged. I want to give up. I don't want to care anymore

Thursday, March 5, 2009

The brick wall...

Bishop Campbell sent me a text today that said something about "make it a great day!"

I felt like I had to tell him it was a great day. I had to tell him only the good things. I wanted to share more... I wanted to tell him how I felt better today emotionally than I have felt in ages, and that was awesome! I also felt like I had to hide the fact that I was laying on the floor cause I felt so yucky.

I felt lonely telling him it was a great day. Its like I feel when I tell other people about only the good things, or when I smile but don't really mean it.

I feel like there is a brick wall around me. There are places that I have removed some of the bricks: where my husband stands, where Bishop Johnson stands, and a few friends. When I smile and tell people only the good things - I am putting a brick on the wall.

When I share honestly and openly, I take a brick down. When I am completely honest - about the good and the bad - I feel less lonely. Even if they don't get it, even if they are idiots and don't know what to do with what I am telling them... I feel less lonely.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

More Quotes

“Of all the creations of the Almighty, there is none more inspiring than a lovely daughter of God who walks in virtue with an understanding of why she should do so, who honors and respects her body as a thing sacred and divine, who cultivates her mind and constantly enlarges the horizon of her understanding, who nurtures her spirit with everlasting truth.”
--Gordon B.Hinckley

“It was meant to be that life would be a challenge. To suffer some anxiety, some depression, some disappointment, even some failure is normal. Teach our members that if they have a good, miserable day once in a while, or several in a row, to stand steady and face them. Things will straighten out. There is great purpose in our struggle in life."
--Boyd K. Packer

“A sacred light comes to our eyes and countenances when we have a personal bond with our loving Heavenly Father and His Son."
--James E. Faust

"When we follow the Lord’s law of health for our bodies, we are also promised wisdom to our spirits and knowledge to our minds."

“Striving for happiness is a long, hard journey with many challenges. It requires eternal vigilance to win the victory. You cannot succeed with sporadic little flashes of effort. Constant and valiant living is necessary."
--Jack H. Goaslind

“Our task is to become our best selves. One of God’s greatest gifts to us is the joy of trying again, for no failure ever need be final."
--Thomas S. Monson

“You remember the Duke of Wellington was talking of the Battle of Waterloo when he said that it was not that the British soldiers were braver than the French soldiers. It was just that they were brave five minutes longer. And in our struggles sometimes that’s all it takes—to be brave five minutes longer, to try just a little harder, to not give up on ourselves when everything seems to beg for our defeat."
--Paul H. Dunn

“We are here in mortality, and the only way to go is through; there isn’t any around!"
--Neal A. Maxwell

“There is only one day that you and I have to live and that’s today. There is nothing we can do about yesterday except repent, and there may be no tomorrows. The thing for us to do when we arise from our beds as God gives us a new day, is to pray that whatever comes to our hands, we will do it to the best of our ability."
--Harold B. Lee

“Please don’t nag yourself with thoughts of failure. Do not set goals far beyond your capacity to achieve. Simply do what you can do, in the best way you know, and the Lord will accept your effort.”
--Gordon B.Hinckley

“In the private sanctuary of one’s own conscience lies that spirit, that determination to cast off the old person and to measure up to the stature of true potential."
--Thomas S. Monson

“No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, build up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God."
--Orson F. Whitney

“For the faithful, our finest hours are sometimes during or just following our darkest hours."
--Neal A. Maxwell

“Things we cannot solve, we must survive."
--Boyd K. Packer

In times of hurt and discouragement, it may be consoling for all of us to recall that no one can do anything permanently to us that will last for eternity. Only we ourselves can affect our eternal progression."
--Marvin J. Ashton

“With celestial sights, trials impossible to change become possible to endure."
--Russell M. Nelson

“As children of God we are somebody. He will build us, mold us, and magnify us if we will but hold our heads up, our arms out, and walk with him. What a great blessing to be created in his image and know of our true potential in and through him! What a great blessing to know that in his strength we can do all things!"
--Marvin J. Ashton

“In life, you should seek the help you need. Do not depend on your own strength alone. You have never done all you can to finish a task until you have sought help from the Lord."
--Joseph B. Wirthlin

“Quit thinking that tomorrow your problems will go away and life will begin in earnest. The Lord is waiting to help you cope today if you will lay your human-size needs at his divine feet."
--Paul H. Dunn

“Do not doubt your abilities. Do not delay your worthy impressions. With God’s help, you cannot fail. He will give you the courage to participate in meaningful change and purposeful living."
--Marvin J. Ashton

“The lord will never forsake or abandon anyone. You may abandon him, but he will not abandon you. You never need to feel that you are alone."
--Joseph B. Wirthlin

“When in situations of stress we wonder if there is any more in us to give. We can be comforted to know that God, who knows our capacity perfectly, placed us here to succeed. No one was foreordained to fail or to be wicked. Let us remember that we were measured before and were found equal to our tasks; therefore, let us continue, but with a more determined discipleship. When we feel overwhelmed, let us recall the assurance that God will not over-program us; he will not press upon us more than we can bear."
--Neal A. Maxwell

“There are depths in the sea which the storms that lash the surface into fury never reach. They who reach down into the depths of life where, in the stillness, the voice of God is heard, have the stabilizing power which carries them poised and serene through the hurricane of difficulties."
--Spencer W. Kimball

"The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude."
--Joseph B. Wirthlin