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Sunday, March 15, 2009

I don't want to... a deep look into my brain

There is so much to write. I know it will help me. I know it will get me through this. I know it feels better if i am regularly writing here... I just don't wanna.

I don't know what to right (that's crap, but I am going to say it anyways.) I don't want to write the things that I am thinking about. I just want it all to go away NOW!!!

I don't want to write about observing myself as I have a flashback. I don't want to write about trying to remember my own memories from my point of view, so that I can have control of them. (If they're my memories, I can control them - if they aren't, I have no control... Its a theory.)
I don't want to write how my body has been extra sensitive the past two days, and I really don't want anyone touching me. Even Bishop Johnson - don't hug me, don't come near me. STAY AWAY.

I don't want to write about my nightmares or flashbacks. I don't want to write about how much it hurts, or how confused I feel. I don't want to write about how I feel stuck between two worlds.
I don't want to write about how guilty I feel that Lauren has thanked me for my example when it comes to the gospel, and I have such a hard time going to church. It makes me sad, but I don't want to write about it.

I even don't want to write about how fun the day was. I don't want to write about how good it felt to be outside, and to be with him - even though I wasn't playing. I want to go again, because it was way fun. I don't want to write about how I survived watching a movie, doing ties, and just talking with him until almost 10, and I spent the whole day with him.

I don't want to write about how intense everything is right now. I don't want to write about how this morning I woke up feeling intensely depressed and angry, but then it all worked out. I got over those feelings.

I don't want to write about how much I just wanted to take pills today. I don't want to write about how I am thinking about taking them even now. I don't want to write about how much I wanted to play DDR. I don't want to write about how much I enjoyed walking today. I love the way it feels to move my muscles and just look at things around me. I don't want to write about all of the thoughts I had while I was walking.

I don't want to write about how I really want to become a foster mom for very young children, and look into adopting children from foster care. I know I am not ready for that yet, but it makes me happy thinking about it in the near future. I think my husband and I would be the perfect people to help kids who have been through hell in their early lives to sort it all out.

I don't want to write about how fun it was to talk to my husband about himself, and the things he is trying to sort out and learn and heal from.

I don't want to write about coming to the Johnson's home, and that although I am incredibly grateful that I can be here, and that I have this opportunity, I really just want to be home. I want to wake up next to my husband tomorrow morning... instead, I am going to wake up here, and it makes me cranky.

I don't want to write about the goal I have to set up a home where other people in the same situation as me can come to feel safe. I will have staff to help them in the nights, but then they will go about their daily lives too... just a place to sleep and get through the flashbacks, nightmares, and to have a chance to sort things out.

I don't want to write about how afraid I feel right now. I don't want to go to sleep, because I can feel a lot of emotions just waiting to get me and overwhelm me. I know they say don't resist, but i don't want to go through it anymore!

I don't want to write about how I wish Bishop Johnson was in here with me, or Dann was here, or someone was here, because I just don't want to be alone. But then, I remember that when they are here, its more frightening, and I feel crazy.

I don't want to write about how I want to do something really cool for my husband's birthday. I don't know what - I just want him to know that I am grateful for him, and that he is special to me.

I don't want to write about how worried I am about Katie. I don't want to write about how angry I am at her for giving in, and for giving up. I don't want to write about how sad I feel when I think about my friend... who is still alive, but I can't really talk to. I don't know where she went, but she's not here.

I don't want to write about how much I just want to go for a walk right now. I don't want to write about how I hate being here. I don't want to write about how I just wish I had a home where I felt safe, and it was mine.

i don't want to write about how much I am dreading going to church tomorrow but I always survive it - its not that bad. What's my problem? When will I ever get over all of my stupidness?!?

i don't want to write about the names I keep calling myself inside my head. I don't want to write about how ineffective and stupid that is, and yet I keep doing it. I don't want to write about how I feel like I should punish myself, because I don't deserve all of the love, help, and time I have been given by the Johnsons, my sweetheart, and so many others.

I don't want to write about how tired I feel: physically, emotionally, mentally: just tired all over!

I just don't want to have to write anymore. I want to go home, and just be done with all of this CRAP!

1 comment:

  1. That's a lot of writing that you didn't want to write about. Thanks for sharing though. I think it is good to sometimes just get things out.

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