"It'd sure be nice if I caught a fish right now"

I have not been fishing all winter. I have gone with BJ while he fished... I guess I pulled out my rod a few times, but it was so cold, I was done after just twenty minutes... it has just been too cold for me to even want to go fishing.

I've enjoyed hiking, snowshoeing, and taking pictures. (I've LOVED taking pictures!)
Yesterday, it was finally warm enough that I WANTED to go fishing. So we did.
We fished the river, and when we ran out of flies for the river, we moved up to the reservoir. I caught a couple on the river. I spent a long time watching a rainbow feeding on the bugs on the bottom of the river. He didn't want any fly I offered him, but I was fascinated just watching him.
I caught a few on the reservoir, and just as we were leaving, BJ pulled out the camera.

I kind of laughed and said, "It'd sure be nice to catch a fish right now... since you've got the camera out... and the day is about over..." and BAM! There was a fish. Couldn't have been more perfect.

Sure be nice if I caught a fish right now...

Check that out!

That's a fish! On my line!!

Fish on! (I'm SO loving this!)

Nice little rainbow.

Posing for the picture.

Once I let that little guy go, BJ decided he needed to fish in one last hole. I pulled out my camera, and BAM! He had a beautiful (and big for that area) rainbow on the end of his rod.

BJ's turn.

Fish on!

And just like that...

NICE fish!

Check him out! (I love the "fish on" giggle and smile.)

It felt SO good to be outside, in the sunshine, fishing with a good friend.
SO glad that spring is finally here and summer is on its way!

"And... Have you figured out that we're a couple?"

Ok. So... I have started this entry several times... Trying to figure out how to tell this story.
Is it funny? Is it poignant? Is it a complete shift in my perspective? Did it make my brain hurt and make me sweat profusely and then laugh at myself that I am so slow to figure all this out? Is it silly and small?

The answer to all of those questions is simply, "yes."


Sometimes BJ gets a text from his daughter that freaks me out.
Apparently, she'd been trying to figure out how to ask this question, but couldn't find the words in person... So she asked in a text, "Why don't you call Jen your girlfriend? She basically is."

We were walking through a museum at the moment. He laughed out loud at the text, so I naturally asked him what was so funny. He showed me the text.

My throat got tight. My head started to spin. My chest felt like it was going to cave in on itself and I'm pretty sure all of the oxygen left the room. Or at least I lost the ability to USE the oxygen in the room.


I talked to BJ. I talked to my mom. I talked to my sister. I talked to several friends trying to explain what I was feeling... and listening to them tell me things like,
"Of course you're a couple, but if you wanna call it something else, that's fine."
"It's okay to be scared, but that doesn't change the way things are."
"Take your time, you both seem comfortable with the process you are in."
"I love you, and the label doesn't matter."
"You're an atypical couple, and you can define it however you want."

This afternoon, my sister, my mom, and I stopped to visit my brother on the way home from a baby shower. Jeff said something that prompted me to tell the story of BJ's daughter's text.

Do you know what Jeff's response was?

"We've been wondering for a while when you guys would figure out that you're a couple."

I laughed. I blushed. I sweated (is that the proper usage of that word?) profusely. I was glad I brought it up, and I also just wanted to go home and take a shower.

And somehow, in the simplicity of that statement, there was a shift in my brain.


When I told BJ what Jeff said... do you know what his response was? He chuckled, and said, "And?"

And, what?!?

"And... Have YOU figured out that we're a couple?"


Why is it that everyone else figured it out before I did? But. Yeah. I think I have.
(Jeff, apparently HE has known it for a while, he was just waiting for me to catch up. Apparently Robyn and I have way more in common than we ever knew. :)

So, my next question is, what do I call him?
Boyfriend sounds lame.
Lover is inaccurate.
Friend is still my favorite label, but it doesn't completely describe the relationship.
Roommate definitely doesn't describe the relationship.
Partner (or even Life Partner) feels accurate, but confuses other people. (I tried it at a party this weekend. I was told I was one of those "crazy feminists" who probably wouldn't take my husband's name if I got married. I told him that when I WAS married, I didn't take his name, and I'm such a crazy feminist that I don't even believe in marriage. The conversation with him ended about then. Maybe I shouldn't base anything on that dude's opinions or reactions.)

So, I am now taking suggestions.
What do I call the man I live with and love? The man I am planning my future life with? My closest friend, roommate, confidant, coworker, and fishing/riding/hiking buddy? How do I describe the relationship without going into the details of how we got here?

Not because I'm bored, but because I'm not sleeping.

60 questions about me:

1. Put your iTunes on shuffle. Give me the first 6 songs that pop up.

• Holy Now by Greg Tamblyn
• Transcendence is by Lindsay Stirling
• One Voice by The Wailin' Jennys
• The Mermaid by Great Big Sea
• Home by Phillip Phillips
• Imagine by John Lennon

2. If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?
On this earth? I don't know. Maybe Kate Zooties... We've talked on the phone many times, but have never met in person.

3. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.
"And then I saw the problem. Damn it! While the electric wires were brackets on the inside, the fence itself had been strung up on the outside of the poles." ~The Elephant Whisperer by Lawrence Anthony

4. What do you think about most?
One thing? I think about a lot, a lot. I guess the thing I think about the most would be work, because that's where I spend most of my time... but when I'm just thinking to think, I think about people and ideas and books and beliefs...

5. What does your latest text message from someone else say?
"MAGIC needs to be at least a two day trip. I don't want to miss out on making business contacts. The jewelry should be here tomorrow. I'm liking you." -BJ

6. Do you sleep with __ or without __ on?
Pajamas? With.

7. What's your strangest talent?
I know the Item ID for every item my work sells. That's hundreds of items.

8. Ever had a poem or song written about you?
Probably. I don't know.

9. Do you have any strange phobias?
snails. I hate snails.

10. Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?
Not that I know of. 

11. What's your religion?
I don't claim a religion...

12. If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?
horseback riding, fishing, hiking, taking pictures, sitting and reading, snowshoeing

13. Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?
I like both. I really enjoy taking pictures, but it's fun to see the pictures others take of me.

14. Simple but extremely complex. Favourite band?
I don't have one. Lately I really like the Wailin' Jennys.

15. Do you believe in karma?
Not really.

16. What does your URL mean?
?? stillme-thejourney? That came from the foundation Dann and I started to help people with PTSD and/or eating disorders. Nothing much came of it, except this blog.

17. Have you ever gone skinny dipping?
Nope. But I'd like to.

18. How do you vent your anger?
Writing. Swearing. Talking about it. Crying.

19. Do you have a collection of anything?
books. Does that count?

20. Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?
Never tried video chatting, so I guess on the phone.

21. Are you happy with the person you've become?
YES!!!

22. What's a sound you hate? A sound you love?
Hate? Fighting. Love? laughs, loving, music

23. Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?
I don't know. Sure.

24. Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first?
The stamps.com scale.

25. Smell the air. What do you smell?
popcorn

26. What's the worst place you've ever been to?
I don't know. I hate the dentist, but that doesn't seem like the WORST place.

27. Choose: East Coast or West Coast?
Europe!

28. Most attractive singer/actor of your opposite gender?
Colin Farrell

29. To you, what is the meaning of life?
Living and loving

30. Do you believe in luck?
Sort of. Luck is how I would describe some things that just happen... Sometimes we like what happens, and we call that lucky. Sometimes we hate what happens, and we call that unlucky.

31. What's the weather like right now?
Snowing. Cold.

32. What time is it?
2:35 AM

33. Do you drive?
yes

34. What was the last book you read?
The last one I finished? Wind in the Door. I'm currently reading Les Miserables.

35. Do you have any nicknames?
Ernie, but that was a long time ago. Recently, I got the name "Super Scuba" which I love only because I love the person who gave me the name.

36. What was the last movie you saw?
The Smell of Success, except that I fell asleep... the last complete movie I saw was Lincoln

37. What's the worst injury you've ever had?
Probably broken nose and bruised back when I fell off the horse.

38. Have you ever caught a butterfly?
Yes. But more, it just landed on me.

39. Do you have any obsessions right now?
not that I can think of.

40. What's your sexual orientation?
demisexual.

41. Ever had a rumour spread about you?
Yes. Lots of stories and rumors. Apparently I'm very scandalous.

42. Do you believe in magic?
Like Harry Potter magic? no. Like the amazing connection and the miracles that happen all around us that just can't be explained (yet)? Yes.

43. Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?
No. Sometimes I wish I could. It might make my life less complicated.

44. What is your astrological sign?
aquarius

45. Do you save money or spend it?
I save it SO I can spend it. I used to really REALLY hate spending money, but then a couple years ago I used up all my savings to go to Germany. TOTALLY worth it. Now I let myself spend money to travel and do fun things.

46. What's the last thing you purchased?
boots. Fuzzy moccasins. Are they not adorable? (I cut off the pom poms though. They were a litlte too pom-pom-y for me.)


47. Love or lust?
Love.

48. In a relationship?
Yes.

49. How many relationships have you had?
Every friendship, acquaintance, whatever is a relationship. We are all connected... Therefore I have had and will always have thousands of relationships.

50. Can you touch your nose with your tongue?
no. But I admit I just tried

51. Where were you yesterday?
Working. Tuesdays are order days.

52. Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?
No.

53. Are you wearing socks right now?
yes.

54. What's your favourite animal?
I love all animals. Horses have a special place with me, but I can't really say they are my favorite. I also love dogs, hedgehogs, cats, goats, lizards, some snakes, and bugs.

55. What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?
Don't have one. I am me. If you like ME, then awesome. If you don't like ME, then it's better for everyone if we know that before we try to spend countless hours together. (I learned this the hard way.)

56. Where is your best friend?
sleeping

57. What is your heritage?
Mostly European

58. What were you doing last night at 12am?
reading

59. What do you think is Satan's last name?
That's a silly question.

60. What is the best thing about you?
THAT is a very subjective question. The thing I like best about myself is my desire to keep pushing and growing and learning. I like that I question a lot, because the more I question, the more I learn.

Surprise! (So, that's what we'd do in Montana in the winter...)

In October, BJ and I went to visit his sister and her husband in Montana. We had such a great time: We went fishing, watched movies, laughed, and talked. Shortly after we got back, BJ and I started talking about wanting to go back.

In November, he had the thought, "Wouldn't it be fun to go out there and surprise K?"
Brilliant idea, so we started trying to schedule it... Holiday season made work super busy, plus family parties, and all of the other things going on... Talking to her husband, we finally scheduled the visit for January.

In December, she came here for a niece's wedding. We went out to dinner and played games one night while she was here, and I thought I was going to bust. She was trying to convince BJ and I we needed to come visit. He kept telling her there was no way we were going to go to MONTANA in the winter. "What on earth would we do in Montana in the winter?"

"We could go sledding, or build snowmen, or go to a movie, or just hang out and play games and talk. We'd have fun, but I understand if you want to wait until spring to come."

(It's a good thing she wasn't looking at me during this conversation. I couldn't contain my giggles.)

We decided it would be fun to meet her at a restaurant. Her husband would ask her out to dinner, they'd walk in, and we'd just be sitting there waiting. The day before we were supposed to leave, there was a "severe storm warning" in Utah, Idaho, and Montana. BJ and I were stressing about trying to drive in the blizzard conditions they described.

My Facebook status read:
"Blasted winter storm warning! Might make me change my plans, and I don't want to change my plans..."

The only person to respond was K, "What were your plans? Sometimes we have to make new plans, but they can be even better than we originally planned."

It was so perfect. I told her exactly what my plans were:
"Oh, just dinner with some friends... but if the roads are bad, I'll have to reschedule."

The roads weren't good. Kind of scary. But we were too excited to postpone. It took us an extra couple of hours to get there, so R (her husband) had to find reasons to postpone leaving for dinner. (It turns out, that wasn't hard, she got a phone call with bad news at the time they were going to leave.)

We got to the restaurant about ten minutes before they did.
BJ texted her and said, "Just thinking about you. Love you lots."
She texted back, "Love you. So, just what were you thinking?"
"I guess... just that I wish you lived closer. I'd love to give you a hug right now."

She didn't respond to the last text, because they had pulled up to the restaurant.
They walked in, and she just stopped and stared at BJ. She said all that was going through her mind was, "That guy looks just like my brother."
Then she looked at me (I had a camera in my face, to video this reaction.), and thought, "That lady looks just like Jen. What the hell is going on?"

Then R laughed and said, "We've been planning this for months!"
And then there was a bunch of hugging and laughing and crying.

It's been a week and a half, and we've been hanging out and having a blast (and sharing tears and stories, but that's for another post). But I still smile when I picture her face. Feeling pretty grateful to have been part of such a fun thing.

And just for fun, here's pictures: 

Welcome to Montana...

When she finally realized that WAS her brother, and he was in Montana.

This is how we watch football. Poor R was feeling sick, so he didn't even get to see his 49ers play.

They got a little tired and a little bored waiting for BJ and I to see everything we wanted to see in the museum.

Welcome to Montana. Where everyone puts their wipers up at night, so they don't freeze to the windows.

I thought this quote was cool. The museum was amazing... so much to see and learn and talk about.

New Years Resolutions I might actually do:

to do list:
1. Make vanilla pudding. Put in mayo jar. Eat in public.
2. Hire two private investigators. Get them to follow each other.
2. Wear shirt that says "Life". Hand out lemons on a street corner.
4. Get into a crowded elevator and say, "I bet you're all wondering why I gathered you here today."
5. Major in philosophy (or psychology works too). Ask people WHY they would like fries with that.
6. Run into a store, ask what year it is. When someone answers, yell, "It worked!" and run out cheering.
7. Become a doctor. Change last name to Acula. (I don't get this one. Feel free to explain it to me if you do.)
8. Change name to Simon. Speak in the third person.
9. Buy a parrot. Teach the parrot to say, "Help! I've been turned into a parrot."
10. Follow joggers around in your car blasting "Eye of the Tiger" for encouragement. (This one is my favorite).

Just like any other Tuesday, except there's presents

Christmas. It's a hard time of year for me. I generally like to avoid it.

I haven't had a tree in three years. This year, BJ and I had talked about cutting down tree and having the horses help get it out. We never got the permit, so that didn't happen. Then we talked about buying a tree, but neither one of us have any decorations. No lights. No ornaments. Nothing. (I had a box of ornaments from an ornament exchange, but they got ruined.) We went to various stores (both together and separate) to find Christmas decorations that fit him, me, or us.

I had about given up. And then, by accident, I saw this:

Charlie Brown Christmas tree. With presents (Thanks to BJ's sister.)

I loved it. BJ loved it. It was perfect.
And for a moment, I forgot that I get stressed by Christmas. I got excited. I got all my Christmas shopping done in the next twenty minutes. (I love Amazon.)

Christmas could suddenly be what I wanted. There were no shoulds. No have-tos. No, "If you don't do it the way everyone else does it, there's something wrong with you." Just the question, What do YOU want?, and the answer can be anything.


Since that day, I've gone back to feeling anxious. Afraid I'm not doing it right. Pressured to try to make everyone happy. Depressed. Sad. Overwhelmed. Frustrated with myself for not being "normal". Angry at myself for feeling sad and depressed.

So now, besides my funny little satirical tree, I'd like to make some other changes to my Christmas season. No more anxiety. No more expectations. No more guilt. No trying to make everyone happy. No trying to hang on to "normal".
I'd like to let go of all of that.

Maybe it could just be like any other Tuesday. Except there's presents.

Trying to convince a horse to drag a tree... not as easy as it sounds.

In my last post, I talked about our desire to train the horses to drag a tree behind it.
We want to ride the horses in, find a tree, cut it down ourselves, and have a horse drag it out behind him. I've never done anything like that with Sunny. BJ once tied a sled behind Bo the horse, and it didn't go very well. Bo was fine with the rope being tied to the saddle. He was NOT fine with that piece of plastic following him.

We decided we'd start with Sunny... Generally, he spooks less than Bo. (Unless there's an elk. Sunny doesn't like elk.) I tied a plank of wood to a rope, then tied that to his saddle. We walked all over the pasture. No problem. (Bo freaked out. He didn't like that piece of wood following Sunny around. We spent most of the time trying to get Bo to get close to the wood and the rope.)

I am not going near that thing, and you can't make me!

Bo eventually got to a point where he would walk next to Sunny while Sunny was dragging the wood. I decided it was time to move to something bigger, so I tied a log on. He did great with that. (He was a little uneasy, until I had him stop and look at it. I don't think he understands English, but I have found if I just explain things to him, he calms down. So I explained it to him.)

This is what Sunny and I were doing while Bo and BJ were moving closer and closer to the rope tied to Sunny's saddle.

This is the part of the story that shows how silly I am... What made me think this was a good "next step"?

There was a tree in the yard that had been knocked over by the wind. It wasn't TOO heavy - I could have dragged it myself, but I decided I could use Sunny's new skill to move the tree out.

I tied the rope to the tree. Made sure it was no longer attached to the ground at all...
And then I started leading Sunny. He was great, until the tree got caught on the gate. He kept pulling at it, but when it wouldn't budge, he started dancing... and rearing up... and I was standing at his head.

BJ videoed the whole thing... You can't see Sunny step on/kick my ankle, but you can see when I start hopping (and swearing, but softly enough that only I could hear it.) I can't get the video to upload... you'll just have to trust me...

We got the tree loose, and then Sunny pulled it the rest of the way, no problem.
Tonight, I'm hanging out on the couch: foot up with ice on it. It doesn't hurt too bad, but it is swollen and bruised looking.  A friend of mine shared this on Facebook (so fitting):

BEWARE: I ride horses, which means I own pitchforks, have the strength to haul hay, and have to guts to (work with) half ton animal after being kicked... you will not be a problem!

I'm feeling tough tonight. (Although I also just went to Cowboy Poetry, where one of the poets shared a poem about "Healthy Living". I wish I had a copy of the whole thing... basically it poked fun at the irony that Cowboys live outside in the fresh air, and think they are living healthy, because they don't live in the city. BUT they've all lost fingers, broken bones, and various other injuries. It's just part of being a "horse person". I've never broken a bone or lost a finger. I broke my nose once and now I've bruised my ankle... I'm not really tough at all.)

There has to be a better definition of 'okay'

My mom had surgery last week. She spent a few days in the hospital. BJ went with me to visit her.
As we left, he had a good chuckle. He says I am just like my mom. Or my mom is just like me.

This is how the conversation went:

Me: Are you in pain?What hurts?
Mom: Yeah, but I'm okay. (weak and unconvincing smile)
Me: You're in pain, that means you're not okay.
Mom: No. I'm okay. I'm not dead, and death is not imminent... so I'm okay.
(BJ burst out laughing at this point)
Me: There has to be a better definition of okay... (and then I realized WHY BJ was laughing, so I stopped talking for a second.) I want to know if you're in pain. I can SEE that you're not dead, but I care about you, so I want to know how you are doing... So, the proper response would be, "Hell yes, I am in pain! I just had my insides ripped out!"
Mom: Fine. I hurt. And I feel CRAPPY! Ok?

Ok. I get it. I just got schooled.

What I just said to my mom is exactly what other people have said to me. (Including BJ.)
I want my mom to talk more about what she's going through... maybe other people feel the same way towards me. (Okay. Not maybe. They've said they want more... I just had a hard time believing them.)

Relatives say the darndest things

I went to my Grandma's wedding last night. I may write more about that later...
I just wanted to share this conversation I had with one of my aunts:


"So, are you dating anyone? Getting married soon?"

No.

"Why not? Do you hate men now or something?"

No. I love men. I just don't want to marry one.

"You have to get married so you can have kids."

No. I don't want to get married, and I don't want kids.

"How can you not want kids?"

Easy. Some people want to be mothers. Some people want to be doctors. Some people want to be computer programmers.

"So, what are you going to do? Ride horses and fish for the rest of your life?"

Does that really sound so bad?

"No... Actually. It doesn't."

 And she walked away.
 

It feels amazing to be able to just answer questions. Honestly. As ME. Instead of trying to say what I think they want to hear... It turns out, it really is MY life. I want what I want for my life, and that's okay.

What's your horse's name?

The question wasn't meant to be a deep one... What's his name?
His name is Sunny. Full name: Sun's Golden Reay.

Wow. I've never even thought about his name...

He came with that name, and he came in one of the darkest moments of my life. Taught me how to ask for what I need. Taught me it was okay to trust. Taught me it was okay to feel fear and sometimes to run away from the fear. Taught me to just BE. I reconnected with the lower half of my body while riding him. And when the pain was so great, I thought I would die, he seemed to just absorb it.

Sun's Golden Reay is the perfect name for him.

Dragonfly

Sensory Overload posted about dragonflies and what they symbolize. (okay, that's not really what she was posting about. She posted about change and life and mentioned the symbolism of dragonflies.)

I like the symbolism, and it reminded me of this picture. So, I'm sharing it.

It was taken almost three years ago. I was at church. Something that was said really upset me, and if I remember right, I literally RAN outside. I stood there, crying... Why couldn't I be happy in church? What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I just sit there like everyone else? Why did the silly and messed up things people said affect me? Why couldn't I just agree with them? Why didn't I get the life where cliches about happiness and trials made sense? Why did I get the life where I knew that it didn't work out quite as nicely as the "soundbites" I heard at church? Why the hell was THIS my life? And what was I supposed to do about it?

And then this beautiful dragonfly landed on me.

A lot has changed since that day. Was it symbolic?

Cabin Fever!

I'm sick. The antibiotics I'm on knocked me out more than the sickness... so, I've spent the last two days barely moving from my couch. This is how I feel about it:




Many years ago. Still a kid. Zack (little bro - I'm guessing like nine-ish at the time) decided he could NOT go to school that day. His diagnosis: cabin fever, and it was darn right ludicrous to think that a kid could go to school with cabin fever. My mom conceded, and all five of us stayed home.

We spent a good portion of the day memorizing this song. It was awesome, and STILL one of my favorite memories.

Totally rocking the Christmas presents

I'm writing this on December 20th, because it is KILLING me to not tell anyone what they are getting for Christmas. I hate secrets. I don't like surprises. And when it is something so fun as PRESENTS... But I won't post until after Christmas.

But I've done it. I didn't even tell people when the opportunity was perfect, and usually people would have seen it ALL OVER my face. I'm totally awesome.

Conversation #1. With my sister. She wants gift cards for Christmas. I totally got her gift cards. She was telling me how she really needs clothes, but she's afraid people will be scared to give her a gift card. And she can't really see them trying to pick out clothes for her... I didn't even tell her. I kept a straight face. HA! She'll be so excited!

Conversation #2: I got Dann a volleyball. We were talking on the phone, and he told me he was very tempted to go buy himself a new volleyball. He really wants one. But he's decided to be patient and see if anyone gets him one for Christmas. That MIGHT have been a huge hint, but I had already bought it. At this moment it is still being shipped. FedEx can't seem to find my address. Hopefully it gets here before Christmas.

Conversation #3: For BJ, I got a magnifying glass (for tying flies). I was taking a guess. He'd never said he needed one, but I've watched him tie flies, and I've watched all of the videos on how to tie flies. Everyone in the videos has one, but he doesn't. This morning, he was telling me he really wanted to get himself one. He took a class, and he was amazed at how much it helped in tying his flies. HA! Score for Jen. I also bought him a watercolor technique book.

(Update on December 23):
It is now the day BEFORE Christmas Eve, and I have still not spilled the beans. Mostly. This morning BJ said he was going to run to the craft store to buy watercolors for himself, and then stop at the fly shop so he can get a little magnifying glass.

I told him that he's not allowed to buy anything for himself the day before Christmas Eve. Which means, I pretty much gave away what I was getting him. He might think I am getting him watercolors. He kept asking me questions about what I think he wants to paint next, (a fish, but I wasn't sure what kind of fish he wanted to paint, so I didn't buy him those.)

Still... All things considering... I'm doing amazing.

(Update on December 26):
Dann got TWO volleyballs. There were a couple of us that were listening to him when he said what he wanted. BJ loved his presents. He just kept saying, "It feels so good to have someone who knows me." He's right. It feels amazing. This Christmas was awesome.

My mom and I

This morning, talking to my parents, I got the question, "How do people even find your blog? I've tried searching, and I can't find you."

I explained I have made it so you can't find the blog by searching for me, but if you search abuse, or church, or the name of it you can find it... and then paused, "Wait, you've searched for my blog? Why?"

My mom wanted to read it. All of this time, I thought she'd never asked to read it because she didn't want to. I talk about it to her, to my dad, and we've had several discussions about it... But she's never asked for the link, or if she could read it, or why I haven't sent it to her.

When I first started this blog, I wanted it to be public but anonymous. I don't really feel that need anymore. I do understand that I am talking about very sensitive and intense subjects. I'm telling my stories, and I don't want to subject anyone to my stories that doesn't WANT them. I admit, I used to feel sad that my mom didn't want to know my stories...I got over it. I hadn't even thought about it for a long time.

Which is what makes this so ironic... She was feeling sad that I "didn't want her to read it", and I was feeling sad that she "didn't want to read it." Heh. Sometimes my mom and I are so much alike it's silly.


So, now... everyone welcome mis padres... my parents now read this here blog. Which is awesome.

Smoked pork = YUM!

You're all going to laugh at me. Or maybe you'll laugh with me, because I'm laughing at myself.

I wrote the blog entry about learning to trust myself. I'd been thinking about it all day long. Went to dinner with friends. I was enjoying some AMAZING smoked pork. It was fantastic! Laughing. Talking. Having a great time. And then it suddenly hit me.

I am scared to admit that I am happy.
What came next has happened enough that I recognized it... All sort of emotions come bubbling up so fast and big that I can't tell if I am laughing or crying or dying.

I am happy. I laugh. I smile. I really enjoy my life, but there was something inside me that felt like I didn't deserve it... Or that OTHER people would think I didn't deserve it. If I'm not following all the "rules" then I'm not happy.

I feel guilty for being happy... for enjoying my life. There are so many people who are still hurting. Who don't have the amazing things I have, and somewhere in my head I thought if I talk about being happy, I will hurt them.

Also, I PRETENDED to be happy for so long, I haven't known how to just BE happy. It sounds so silly now. When I was pretending to be happy, I shared silly stories about myself, I talked about the foods I loved to eat, I talked about how happy I was, how much I loved my husband, how much I loved the church... I lied. And now that I'm more FOR REALS happy, I feel confused.

I've actually developed boundaries that are really healthy. I don't allow people to take advantage of me, and I really don't live up to any expectations anyone has of me. I really am ME. (I do get sucked into craziness every once in a while, just not nearly as often as I used to. And I don't stay down nearly as long.)

The piece that is missing is my smile. The REAL smile.
I love smoked pork!
I tripped over a pontoon boat yesterday. Who trips over a 9 foot boat??
I went to a concert last week. Otter Creek performed for a bunch of exmormons, and I had a great time. I laughed and I cried and I felt GOOD.
I make the best panini sandwiches in the world. They are seriously amazing.
I really love it when I'm in the shower, and I put soap on the loofah, and it sounds like the whole shower is fizzing... I can't explain it, it just makes me smile everyday.
I spent an hour last night playing with my cat. I'd chase her, then she'd chase me. It ended when she fell over and went to sleep. Who wouldn't laugh at that?
I'm currently addicted to the show Eureka. Its absolute silliness, and I love it. And I have a little bit of a crush on Jack Carter. I like him almost as much as I liked Scarecrow from Scarecrow and Mrs. King. They're both just so cute!
I love going on walks and crunching the ice. Hearing it break is very satisfying to me.
Symphony orchestra rehearsals have been awesome! This deserves an entry all its own. Seriously, it is SO cool right now!!

(I still am having a hard time believing that I missed this piece. Silly Jen.)

Not my Ducky

Last night, I randomly decided to go to a Christmas party. It was a group of friends I was never really close to and I haven't seen in years. I've kept in touch (sorta) through facebook and email, but...anyways, I'm talking with the two out of three people I actually knew there, and a dude came in and announced someone left their lights on. "Bummer for them," I thought, and kept on chatting away. A little while later, they said, "It's a Lexus. Tan. License plate dah-de-dah-dah." And all I thought was, "Not me. No Lexus for me..."

Back story: I'm driving Dann's car while he is in Cali. Its a Lexus. The lights turn on and off automatically. Except that if you don't push the little "Lock" button on the remote, they don't turn off. They stay on. Until the battery is dead. I never lock my doors. I drive a car that is held together by duct tape... seriously... why would I bother locking the doors? That might stop someone from stealing it. And if someone wants to take my duct tape car (Lovingly nicknamed Ducky by my brother.) I don't want to stop them. It barely even crossed my mind to push that little button.

I left the party early. As I walked out, down the hill a little to where I parked my car, I saw the very dim lights of a Lexus. Right. Where. My. Car... Dannngit!

Now, I'm going to have to walk back into that party and tell people that I was that dumb. Only, I didn't want to. I had the thought that I would just curl up in the trunk and stay the night. Apparently, I have a lot more common sense than I used to have, because I didn't do it. I called my mom instead. I hoped she'd laugh at me enough to give me the courage to walk back in. Instead, she told me they weren't too far away, and they'd come jump me. My heroes!


The combination of new-fangled cars confused us for a second, but Mel is a genius, so no one got electrocuted.  And the best part? They came fast enough that no one from the party knew I left my lights on, forgot what car I drove, and completely killed the battery. Phew. All those people that don't know me will still think I'm smrt... if they ever think about me at all...

perfect record... no more

I have been riding horses for more than two years now.
BJ has often marveled at the fact that I have never fallen, never been thrown, and have never been injured.
Especially with the way I ride. Running whenever I can. All day long. Pushing everyone (Sunny, me, BJ, and Bo) to their absolute limits.

I can no longer say I have never been thrown from a horse.
We were riding up above Kamas, just off the Mirror Lake Highway. There was a stretch of trail just perfect for running in. I let Sunny go first, running FULL speed. It was awesome.
I saw the stream up ahead. Decided I did not want to approach that quite as fast as we were going. I wasn't sure what he'd do.
He'd either:

• Jump it, which was a BIG jump, and I wasn't sure I wanted to do that.
• Run through it, which would have been okay.
• Stop entirely.

Jumping it and stopping take two entirely different postures. I couldn't prepare for both.
I pulled back on the rein to get him to slow down. That put me a little off balance.
He stumbled. I flew over his shoulder, did a flip and landed on my back.
His hoof grazed my face... just enough to give me a black eye and a bloody nose.

I remember the thought as I landed was, "Not so bad," and then, "OH SHIT!"
BJ was far enough behind me that he couldn't see me. He says he heard the air go out of my lungs. And came upon me bloody and gasping for air.He was scared of internal injuries. I couldn't tell him what hurt (other than my face), because I didn't know. I was able to pull myself up onto the horse, but I couldn't keep myself balanced. Every time Bo would start to trot a little faster, I'd see stars again. My hands and feet would go numb, and I thought I was going to pass out.

I am very gifted at not passing out when I feel like I am going to. I kept consciousness and within an hour was telling funny stories. Only I kept forgetting what I was saying. The words got all jumbled. Which made me laugh at myself even more.
There was a part of me that felt really bad for falling. I was worried he wouldn't let me ride anymore. (He had once told me if I ever got hurt, I was done. It turns out, he mean, if I ever got hurt because I was acting out on eating disorder schtuff, I was done.) I felt bad because we ended the ride with a lot of daylight left... which I hate to do.

There was another part of me that was dang proud that I had just fallen off a horse. Kind of like a "badge of honor". What horse person has never gotten hurt by a horse?

Now, I'm totally legit.
And I think I'm healing quite nicely.

Loves

horses... I love being with them. Watching them. Riding them. Learning about them.
being outdoors... mountains. valleys. neighborhoods. parks. beaches. lakes. streams. deserts. sunsets. sunrises. rain. snow. sunshine. wind. all of it.
walking... feeling my body move. seeing new things. hearing new sounds. thinking uninterrupted. the smell of others' laundry drying.
heart-to-heart talks...
my cat... she cuddles up and i feel loved without fear
exploring... learning new things. trying new skills. seeing new places. asking questions. pushing boundaries, even my own. reading about everything.
puddles... splashing in them. watching others splash them. cars splashing. the sound of the horses feet splashing in them.
jewelry... matching it with my wardrobe. finding cool new things. wearing it.
laughing... funny movies. inside jokes. sarcasm. cleverness.
diet coke with limes in it. caffeine-free variety, 'cause i don't like the shakiness.
salmon tacos.
barbacoa salads.
pizza factory breadsticks.
samoas cookies.
girl scout cookie thin mint ice cream. the REAL stuff! NOT the slow-churned variety.
popcorn popped in the stir-crazy popper.
new boxes of cereal.
smell of clean clothes.
hugs from good friends.
starting new projects.
music... playing it. listening to it. writing it. singing it. dancing to it.
getting warm... warm blankets. sticking my feet in the warm oven. standing by a campfire.
writing... my blog. journals. stories. thoughts.
art... drawing. photographing. designing. being messy and imperfect about it.
fresh fruit... strawberries. peaches. pineapple. crisp apples.
prayers... seeing the answers. the miracles. finding understanding.

Sarah Shelf Sitter

So, I was looking for a doll to use with my (overly depressing) analogy...

And I found this one.

While I didn't really think she fit what I was trying to portray, I couldn't help but LOVE her!!!

She can be purchased online here.

Seriously... I love her!

breakin da laa

Across the street from me is a sign, "Lose a half a pound or more a day!" At least twice a day, I look at it and it annoys me. Last night, K made a comment about it.

I told her I had thought about stealing it before. And then... she did it!

I think about it. I don't do it.
Only now, I have the evidence in the trunk of my car...