You're all going to laugh at me. Or maybe you'll laugh with me, because I'm laughing at myself.
I wrote the blog entry about learning to trust myself. I'd been thinking about it all day long. Went to dinner with friends. I was enjoying some AMAZING smoked pork. It was fantastic! Laughing. Talking. Having a great time. And then it suddenly hit me.
I am scared to admit that I am happy.
What came next has happened enough that I recognized it... All sort of emotions come bubbling up so fast and big that I can't tell if I am laughing or crying or dying.
I am happy. I laugh. I smile. I really enjoy my life, but there was something inside me that felt like I didn't deserve it... Or that OTHER people would think I didn't deserve it. If I'm not following all the "rules" then I'm not happy.
I feel guilty for being happy... for enjoying my life. There are so many people who are still hurting. Who don't have the amazing things I have, and somewhere in my head I thought if I talk about being happy, I will hurt them.
Also, I PRETENDED to be happy for so long, I haven't known how to just BE happy. It sounds so silly now. When I was pretending to be happy, I shared silly stories about myself, I talked about the foods I loved to eat, I talked about how happy I was, how much I loved my husband, how much I loved the church... I lied. And now that I'm more FOR REALS happy, I feel confused.
I've actually developed boundaries that are really healthy. I don't allow people to take advantage of me, and I really don't live up to any expectations anyone has of me. I really am ME. (I do get sucked into craziness every once in a while, just not nearly as often as I used to. And I don't stay down nearly as long.)
The piece that is missing is my smile. The REAL smile.
I love smoked pork!
I tripped over a pontoon boat yesterday. Who trips over a 9 foot boat??
I went to a concert last week. Otter Creek performed for a bunch of exmormons, and I had a great time. I laughed and I cried and I felt GOOD.
I make the best panini sandwiches in the world. They are seriously amazing.
I really love it when I'm in the shower, and I put soap on the loofah, and it sounds like the whole shower is fizzing... I can't explain it, it just makes me smile everyday.
I spent an hour last night playing with my cat. I'd chase her, then she'd chase me. It ended when she fell over and went to sleep. Who wouldn't laugh at that?
I'm currently addicted to the show Eureka. Its absolute silliness, and I love it. And I have a little bit of a crush on Jack Carter. I like him almost as much as I liked Scarecrow from Scarecrow and Mrs. King. They're both just so cute!
I love going on walks and crunching the ice. Hearing it break is very satisfying to me.
Symphony orchestra rehearsals have been awesome! This deserves an entry all its own. Seriously, it is SO cool right now!!
(I still am having a hard time believing that I missed this piece. Silly Jen.)