I was talking to my friend, Jen (not me Jen, another Jen) a while ago. She was sharing the story of her coming out. Everyday for nine months, she told someone new. I can't remember exactly what she said, or how she even said it, because as she was talking fireworks started going off in my head and a voice was shouting, "Listen! Listen!"
It went something like this:
I had to show my spirit that I would choose me over everyone else. I had to show me that I could take care of me.
I thought of the body memories and pain I experience. I have known for a long time that the pain will be there until I can show myself I will take care of and protect myself from being hurt again.
My move was big.
But one big event doesn't make you trust.
It is a series of little events; little things everyday that say, "I can be trusted."
Like Jen's story of talking to someone everyday. Everyday telling someone who she is. I know this is what I need to do, but I really don't know HOW. Or what that even looks like.
What does that look like? How do I show ME that I will take care of me?
I know that I don't allow people to hurt me like I used to. I speak up much more often. I'm learning skills so that I can communicate my needs and wants better. I'm paying attention to my own feelings SO much more.
Is there something I am missing? Does it just take time?
(Jen's story wouldn't have been quite so big to me if I was already doing what I needed to be doing... right?)
I want to do something different. I just don't know what...yet.