Friday, February 18, 2011

"I can be trusted."

I was talking to my friend, Jen (not me Jen, another Jen) a while ago. She was sharing the story of her coming out. Everyday for nine months, she told someone new. I can't remember exactly what she said, or how she even said it, because as she was talking fireworks started going off in my head and a voice was shouting, "Listen! Listen!"

It went something like this:
I had to show my spirit that I would choose me over everyone else. I had to show me that I could take care of me.

I thought of the body memories and pain I experience. I have known for a long time that the pain will be there until I can show myself I will take care of and protect myself from being hurt again.

My move was big.
But one big event doesn't make you trust.
It is a series of little events; little things everyday that say, "I can be trusted."

Like Jen's story of talking to someone everyday. Everyday telling someone who she is. I know this is what I need to do, but I really don't know HOW. Or what that even looks like.

What does that look like? How do I show ME that I will take care of me?
I know that I don't allow people to hurt me like I used to. I speak up much more often. I'm learning skills so that I can communicate my needs and wants better. I'm paying attention to my own feelings SO much more.

Is there something I am missing? Does it just take time?
(Jen's story wouldn't have been quite so big to me if I was already doing what I needed to be doing... right?)

I want to do something different. I just don't know what...yet.


  1. Tell someone "no" every day. Or just say "no" to some expectation other people have of you, like how I know my sister would frown on me "wasting" money on things I don't need (I'm not saying I splurge to spite her, but I'll buy new clothes even if I don't "need" it once in a while), etc. I don't need to be the person other people expect me to be.

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  3. Learning to trust yourself is just like getting someone else to trust you. If you had a friend that you always put everyone else before that friend and you neglected that friend, it would take a long time to get that friend to trust you again. But each little thing you do to show that friend you care will get you a little closer.

    In the same sense, you have to build a history of showing yourself you can be trusted. It takes time, and it takes consistency.

  4. Thank you all for your thoughts and suggestions!
    I agree that it takes time, especially since I have been pretty UNtrustworthy to myself in the past. And I easily fall back into old ways of thinking...

    "Everyone else is more important than I am," has been a way of life.

    blog author - why did you delete your comments? I thought they were very profound, honest, and helpful... Not many people have been through what you've been through, and your insights are profound.

  5. My comment started out short, but by the time I was done, it was SO long and I was rather embarrassed. So, I went back and deleted it. Thank you for thinking my insights are valuable- I appreciate that. Thank you!

    Love and respect, always.