#secretfavoritefishingspot - Just what I needed

A few weeks ago, I wrote about helping with BJ's parents care. We all felt a little helpless about what to do. They need help, but they live far away. It takes a lot of time to care for them. They need it. Care costs money. (Whether it's us doing it, or we hire someone, and we were all feeling drained of resources.)

Good news. We found a couple sisters who live in the same (very small) town that BJ's parents live in. For a small wage - they will come in and take care of the things BJ's parents need. Since they are close, they can come in for an hour in the morning, leave, then come in for an hour each in the afternoon and evening. They also are willing to be "on call" and come in to help if there is an emergency.

The three siblings will still come in for a couple of a days a week, but that means that no one has to stay at the house and a few days a month is much better to manage than a few days a week.

So... all of that... just to say.... we didn't have to cancel our camping trip!
We have a secret favorite fishing spot that we love. For the past two years, we have gone camping at least once every summer. The season to get in is really short. (There is still snow there in July, and we got closed out in October last year.)

We also invited my sister and her husband to come up for a couple of days as well.

I was SO looking forward to the trip and feeling really depressed that it might not work out.
(How do you say, "I'm sorry. I can't help out so you can go to your son's wrestling tournaments and you can go to your one year cancer follow up appointment, because I need to go camping and fishing."? Also... by the way... BJ's sister one year cancer follow up gave her the ALL CLEAR. A year and a half ago she was making plans to just live out the rest of her short life as best she could. Modern medicine is amazing.)

Camping.

Setting up Camp

We got there Sunday. Set up camp.

Fished. Ate dinner. Fished.

Drove down the canyon to find my sister and her husband. Helped them set up camp. Slept. Woke up. Ate. Fished. Hiked. Fished. Mellen (my sister) caught her first fish ever! And even on a fly rod! Hiked. Ate. Fished. Hung out. Ate. Fished. Elliot (BIL) made dinner and he did a great job. They went home the next morning, and BJ and I spent the next day fishing.

Mellen and Elliot setting up their tent at 11 pm.

We hiked in to a smaller lake (about a mile in). BJ taught Mel and Elliot to fish a little bit.

She caught her first fish!

Playing in the lake with the dogs.

We wore Sadie (the dog) out. She was very ready to go home.

The four of us at the end of the trip.

Hot shower while camping. Brilliant.

I took a hot shower - in the heated shower that BJ had given me. (It was a birthday present in February, but this is the first time I've used it. EXCELLENT!)

We spent some time just hanging out and relaxing.

Once the dogs left, the chipmunks were out (stealing our food).

I wore out my magic fly. 100 fish (on the same fly) would do that.

We fished until well after dark. We both caught a lot of fish. (I was trying to keep track, but I kept losing count. I do know that from the time I said, "I can't hold it anymore. I'm going in to pee." until when I actually got off the lake to go pee, I caught sixteen fish. (That was thirty minutes max.)

The fish aren't big, but they are fun and beautiful. And a variety of trout.
Brook. Tiger. Rainbow. Cut Throat. Cut Bow

It was wonderful.

With all of the worries about work and BJ's parents and my family and his kids and life... I have felt pulled in many directions for the past few months. While camping, I was very present. The farthest my mind would wander was from the lake to the outhouse - 500 ft away.

It was just what I needed.

This weekend, we are back with BJ's parents, and then any day - BJ should be a grandpa again. His daughter is expecting her third child: a baby boy.

Next trip planned is to Yellowstone. My brother is in three plays there, and I CANNOT WAIT to see him.

Far Between: Me!

I can't remember when exactly I did the interview with Kendall at Far Between. More than a year ago... It felt cathartic to tell my story, and to see how people responded in the moment to my heartbreaks and sadness and to the hope and peace I'd found.

Today, they have the edited interview up to view.
Here it is:



You can also visit their page here: http://farbetweenmovie.com/jennifer/

The story of us from the perspective of me

Yesterday, BJ's sister and sister-in-law both asked to hear "our story". They only knew the gossip, and what they had observed, but they wanted to hear the story of how we met and got together from my perspective.

So here it is, just a very short version of "our story" from my perspective.

I have felt loved by him from the first time we met. It wasn't a love specific to me, but I felt genuinely loved and cared for. There was something about him that I just knew I could trust him.

I have loved him since the first time he apologized to me, but maybe I need to back up just a bit.
Many years ago, he started calling me into his office regularly. He sensed things weren't quite right, and he wanted to help. He kept asking me questions, and wouldn't accept my lies. (I knew they were lies, but it took me a long time to finally talk about the things that were hurting.) Once I started being more honest, my life fell apart. Eating disorder took over. I told him about that, and he offered to be someone I could be accountable to.

Eating disorders are scary things, and he had no experience with them. He read and researched and tried to learn, but he ignorantly said things that made it worse for me. For everyone else I knew, I didn't dare tell them when their words or actions caused me pain, but I told him. I don't know why, or even how, but I told him he didn't understand and he was just making things worse.

He apologized. He told me I was right, he didn't understand, but he wanted to. He said he was sorry for making things worse, and asked what he could do different. I told him. I told him how I felt, and he listened, and we talked. We talked about what he was feeling. He was afraid. He was hurting, because he felt sad and helpless.

I walked away from the experience thinking, "This is how it is supposed to go. I've never experienced it like this, but this is how it is supposed to be."

I couldn't help but love him, and be VERY grateful for him. We could make mistakes around each other without forever damaging our growing friendship.

We continued to be friends. He was there for me. I listened to him. We shared things with each other that we had never dared share with anyone else... When we shared with each other, it didn't hurt like it had in the past. We could listen and validate and understand each other in a way I had never experienced before. His friendship filled a loneliness I didn't even know I had. (And although this isn't his story, it's mine, he has said the same thing about me.)

We were both married. Both of our marriages weren't good. We both had the goal to make them better. It didn't work out that way. The more I healed, the more I knew I couldn't stay married. BJ eventually got to the point where he couldn't take the way she treated him, and he left.

Did I know then that BJ and I would end up together?
No. I didn't plan on it. I just thought we could be there to support each other in the interim.

So, when did I start to know I wanted something different?
Two years after he had left his ex, she asked to meet with me. I didn't want to. She told me she needed to talk to me in order for her to find peace. My friends and support system said she was being manipulative with that statement. I felt like I had no choice... I hoped that maybe if I met with her, and she found some peace, she would treat BJ better. I had to do everything I could to try to make things better for him. It wasn't my responsibility, but I hated watching him be hurt by her over and over and over again. I would have done anything to ease his suffering. Meeting with her for a few hours seemed like a small thing to do.

She brought her journal, and a printout of my entire blog: highlighted and with notes taken on the sides. She wanted to tell me all of the things that I had said that she didn't agree with. I listened for a long time. She blamed me for her marriage ending. (Actually, she continues to blame me. The story now is very different from the one back then, but it doesn't matter. I am still the villain in her story.)

At the end of the four hour meeting, she told me that all she wanted was another chance. She asked me what I would do if BJ decided he wanted to start dating her again. I answered honestly, "I would support him. I love him, and I want him to be happy. I trust him to know what he needs to bring him happiness."

She thanked me. I was dying to ask her if she could say the same. If she loved him enough to want him to be happy, even if it meant he would never ask her on another date. I didn't do it. I felt like I knew the answer.


I felt angry at her. How could she be so selfish and self-centered? How could she think that he would ever want to go on a date with her when she had been such an ass to him? How could she want him to spend time with her when he had repeatedly told her how she hurt him? How could she keep insisting that he was wrong - her actions and her words didn't hurt him? Why would anyone want to spend seven seconds with someone that treats them like that, let alone an entire evening? Why didn't that woman care about anyone but herself?

A few days or weeks after that encounter, my mom asked me a question... or said something... I don't remember what it was... and I fell apart. (I do remember, I was driving... and I pulled over and sat in the car and sobbed next to the lake. I remember feeling relieved that it was winter, so there wasn't a million people around.)

Did I mean what I had told his ex? Did I love BJ and want him to be happy, even if it wasn't with me? Would I support him in whatever decision he made? If he wanted to start dating his ex again, what would I really do?

I would support him. I DO love him and I want him to be happy. I DO trust him to follow his path. AND I also wanted him to want to be with me. That realization caused a complete meltdown.

It didn't matter that he DID want to be with me. We had a great friendship. We loved fishing and riding and talking and just watching TV together. I knew that he loved being with me. He loved the conversations we had. We lived in the same house. We worked together. We were pretty much together all the time, but I still was so afraid...

I wasn't afraid that he wanted something different than what I wanted, I was afraid that I wanted something. I was worried that my wanting something suddenly made me selfish. And in my mind selfish equaled horrible human being.

I couldn't handle it. I couldn't handle knowing how much I wanted to be with him. It was obvious to my mom, my friends, and BJ, but not to me. I had judged his ex as selfish and self-centered. Was I any different? If I wanted to be with him - how was that different than her wanting the same thing? I had watched her hurt him over and over and over... I didn't want to do that. I didn't know if it was possible to have wants of my own without treating him the way she treated him. It terrified me to think that I could use or abuse him the way I had seen her. I wanted to run away, but then I was aware enough to know that running away from him would also hurt him.

It took me many months to get comfortable with the idea that I wanted to be with him. In those months, we continued spending a lot of time together. Fishing. Riding. Hiking. Snowshoeing. Snowmobiling (I didn't like that as much. Too noisy. And smelly.) Camping. Traveling. Reading. Talking. Eating. Planning the future.

We went to Montana to visit his sister and her husband. It was a great trip, and once again I realized I wanted something. I liked being around BJ and family. Up until this point, BJ had met my parents and family. I had met his, but we didn't do anything together. My parents had been telling me for years that BJ was always welcome in their home, but I hadn't passed that message on to him. I made excuses to my family as to why he couldn't (or didn't want) to come. I didn't want it to be like that after I spent those days with him and sister.

While we were in Montana, my brothers called and asked if I wanted to go to Alaska with them. Of course I did. I wanted BJ to come, and I wanted us all to be together. I decided it would probably be good if they got to know him first. So, I started inviting him to dinner at my parents' house.

Gradually, things shifted, and I got more comfortable with the idea.

We went to Alaska, and it was awesome. When we came back, things had shifted again... We spent time together with each of our families. We slept in the same bed. We even use the label "girlfriend" and "boyfriend" occasionally. (Although, I still like the label of friend best.)

We spent the holidays with each other, and with our families. His kids came with their spouses and kids, and we had dinner and celebrated together. We went to my parents and spent time with my siblings, their spouses, and their dogs.

In preparation for Christmas plans, my mom asked me if BJ was a part of the family, and I answered the only way I could answer, "Yes. BJ is family now."

Still looking up.

I love the song, "I Won't Give Up" by Jason Mraz.

BJ first played the song for me, and I felt like he was singing it to me..."I see that you've come so far to be right where you are," and, "I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily. I'm here to stay to make the difference that I can make."

I thought of myself, "We got a lot to learn, but God knows we're worth it."
I thought of the kind of friend I want to be - make a difference, never give up, give all of my love.



Today is the twelfth anniversary of 9/11. A day when humanity suffered a lot all in one day.
I am very aware of the suffering we cause on each other. We are the only species that could ever commit some of the atrocious things I have seen. We are the only species with enough imagination to be able to hurt each other like we do...
There are no Hitlers or Bin Ladens in the rest of the animal kingdom... Not to mention the things I have seen people close to me suffer...

And still, "God knows we (humans) are worth it," no matter how much we have to learn, "Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use The tools and gifts we got, yeah, we got a lot at stake."

A rather organic and incredibly perfect process

Here's a completely non-hypothetical question, but can we just pretend it's hypothetical for a few minutes?

Two people are really good friends. They live in the same house, but have separate bedrooms.
They spend time together - no one is really sure when they "fell in love" with each other, because they have loved each other deeply for a long time.

Both people needed time to sort out themselves, and living in the same house, but not being "together" was very conducive to the individual work they each had to do. In the process of the individual work, it became a work on their relationship... a rather organic and incredibly perfect process if you ask me.

Then they went camping together and on a cruise together and other vacations where they shared the same space. And it just seemed natural to sleep together.

So, when they got home and kept sleeping in the same space, does that mean they "moved in together"? And if you start sharing a room with someone, do you need to announce to the world that you are sleeping in the same bed? Is that anyone's business?

Well... anyway... if there needs to be an announcement made, consider this my announcement.
And if there doesn't need to be an announcement made, then this is just about the silliest post I have ever written.

Alaska photo dump

I went to Alaska!
When we got back, there was so much work to do, I haven't had time to do much of anything.
My horses are getting fat; we haven't been out on the trails, and all they do is eat on the pasture all day. I haven't been fishing. BJ and I have spent a lot of time with his kids and grand kids.

There's so much I want to write about... I miss blogging, but for now... I am just going to dump some pictures on you. Between BJ and I we took more than 500 pictures, so I'm not sharing even close to what we have: Just a few, so that I can feel like I have shared some of this amazing trip with you. I often say, "I'll come back and write about it later," but I rarely do, so don't count on it.

Just know: The trip was amazing. The scenery was gorgeous. The time spent with Todd and the family that went too was better than anything I could have ever imagined. Time spent with Todd's family was fun. Words don't do any of the experience justice.

And now: The picture dump. 

We rode in a dog sled. Or a dog cart. 16 dogs running at 20mph dragging the six of us (and a musher) behind them. BJ has the same giggle when he's behind a dog sled as when he has a fish on. I love that giggle!

BJ was the only one that caught a salmon in our group. The rest of us all caught little Dolly Varden. Just fly fishing in Alaskan wilderness was awesome for me. I need to go back JUST to go fly fishing and exploring.

BJ's Pink Salmon

I'm smiling in this picture, but I was really upset. I just realized I had lost my camera. After already dropping my phone in the ocean. I thought I had lost every picture I had taken thus far, and the ability to take more. I was horribly bummed... but my phone (and everything saved on it) survived, and someone found my camera. HUGE sigh of relief.

Just me, standing in front of our plane as we get ready to go back to Juneau, and then get back on the cruise ship.

Coming in for a landing.

Some of the scenery in Tracy Arm Fjord.

Dawes Glacier

I love going to art museums and such with BJ. He is a sculptor himself, so he has a better understanding of what it takes to do what these artists have done. It amazes him, and I love watching him be amazed. (I also have a better appreciation of it all, and feel my own feelings of amazement now too.)

So... In Oregon, there is a street called Mellen Street. I really wanted to take a picture of the street sign. I was practicing on the signs coming up to the Mellen Street sign, just to be sure I got the picture. I have several practice pictures, but when it came to the actual sign, the camera just didn't go off... Therefore I didn't get the Mellen Street picture. I still wanted Mellen (my sister's nickname) to know I was thinking about her, so I took a lame picture of a freeway exit sign... Do you feel loved yet Mel?

This is where we had dinner on our way from Portland (to visit BJ's brother and his family) to Seattle (to get on the cruise ship).

Waiting for my parents to come find us at the car rental place. It looks like I'm slobbering or something...

Everyone waiting in line. BJ and I got through the line first. We hadn't printed out our boarding passes in advance, and we didn't know how much that would delay us, so we didn't wait for everyone else... Turns out it was no big deal, so BJ flashed his "Sea Pass Card" at all of them, I took their picture, and we got on the boat without the rest of the fam.

Just us... in front of our cruise ship.

REAL LIVE HORSE RACES. So much cheesy stuff happening on the ship, but I enjoyed it.

Bowser... from Sha-Na-Na. I actually owned a few Sha-Na-Na CD's, so I was pretty excited to see this concert. It was even more fun than I expected.

Everyone with their cameras out.

BJ and I with future mushing champions.

All the swag we bought. Mostly for BJ's kids. A few things for my brother and sister that didn't come, and a few things for friends. (That reminds me. I haven't given it all away yet. Sorry for the spoiler to the two people that haven't seen what I got them yet...)

Empress hotel in Canada... Mostly, I was really excited to be back on land. Two days at sea was a long time.

Weird looking, but fairly tasty, dessert

Playing combat croquet with BJ's brother (and his son). BJ and his brother have a lot in common, and it was fun to see the two of them together.

Mi Madre

I look like I'm trying to model or something... I don't know what was going through my head...

Some scenery

The tide had come in...

Scenery

Our guide decided we needed a picture of both of us... which I appreciate. I forget to do things like that.

BJ in front of our plane

The Mendenhall Glacier from our plane. The rest of my family hiked here while we were fly fishing.

Zack taking pictures

Alaska!

BJ, myself, and Zack in the rain in Alaska

Towel animals

We spent lots of time just reading and chilling

Fly fishing with BJ's uncle in Washington. I felt like at any moment, a dinosaur should just walk out and greet us... the forest just felt pre-historic.

I never encountered any dinosaurs though.

Just BJ, Brad, and Ben.

This is the sign in front of the river we were fishing in... comforting, eh?

I didn't realize we were making the exact same face... but we were...

We could totally be cruise entertainers.

David Jake was our waiter. He took good care of us.

BJ's brother Matt, his wife Donna and BJ and I.

They totally look like brothers, huh?

I played with the shutter speed on my camera to get this effect.

Welcome to Skagway!

On our way to Musher's camp.

Dogs!

He got sick. This is his effort to look especially pathetic. I was there, and still his eyes break my heart.

This bird liked BJ's leg and foot. It just climbed right up...

This dog reminded me of my sister's dog, Sadie, so I took his picture.