Far Between: Me!

I can't remember when exactly I did the interview with Kendall at Far Between. More than a year ago... It felt cathartic to tell my story, and to see how people responded in the moment to my heartbreaks and sadness and to the hope and peace I'd found.

Today, they have the edited interview up to view.
Here it is:



You can also visit their page here: http://farbetweenmovie.com/jennifer/

The letter I will never send, except that I might,

So.... I got a letter in the mail. From the Catholic Church. It seems that Larry (ex-husband) wants to get remarried, and the Catholic church wants me to answer a few questions. I'm not sure if my answers (or lack of answers) affect his ability to get married again or not. I don't want to respond. I don't want to help him. I feel angry. WHY would I want to do anything to help that man hurt another wife? Why would I want to help him do ANYTHING?
The best way I know how to deal with shit is to write... so I wrote a letter... it was going to be just for me, but now that it's done, I think I'd like to share it with you. BJ suggested actually sending the damn thing. I don't know. I'll just start with posting it here...



To whom it may concern,

I was married to Laurence Curtis for two years. We were both members of the LDS church when we met. We met in November and were married the following June. I was nineteen when we met, and twenty when we married. There were signs that I shouldn't have married him, but I didn't pay much attention.

For example, once I fell asleep while watching a movie with my roommates, and he unzipped my pants and groped me. But I dismissed it... like it was somehow normal for a man to grope a sleeping woman, just as long as he put a blanket over her so her roommates couldn't see what he was doing.

Sexual sin is next to murder according the LDS teachings... except that sexual sin is pretty common place, so when Larry promised to abstain from all sexual activity until marriage (which was only six weeks away), they gave the okay. He mostly kept his promise, but that lead to AWFUL behavior in the marriage. In his mind, he had abstained for six weeks, and marriage gave him the right to do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted it.

I'll just start with the wedding night.
I was exhausted. He refused to let me bring my bags in. Since we were married, I was supposed to just get naked and climb in bed with him. I didn't do what he asked, but that didn't matter. He removed my clothes for me. (I didn't fight him, but I asked him not to.) He forced himself in me. I cried. It HURT. He responded by saying, "Shut up. I'll be done in a second."


I went to the bathroom and cried. He yelled at me. He told me I was being selfish and stupid. I was HIS wife now, and I had responsibilities. I came out. I apologized, because I thought he was right. I had no right to say no, I had no right to decide what I wanted to happen, or what I didn't want. I was nothing but his property. He accepted my apology and then did the same thing again. I cried. I told him it hurt. He responded by saying, "It wouldn't hurt so much if you'd just relax."
 
There was often blood after "sex" with him. He said it was normal. He was WRONG, but I didn't know. He'd been married before. He'd had sex with other women, so I thought he knew better than I did.

Over time, my body adapted to having quick, forced, "sex". I got instantly wet if he touched me. A hug usually meant that "sex" was coming, and I was lucky that my body reacted the way it did. It saved me a lot of physical pain. He hated that. He said it was disgusting when a woman got turned on. He preferred her to be dry. He told me I was disgusting. I believed him. There was something disgusting about me and my body, and I couldn't control it. He'd insist I shower, and then come back to bed, and then we'd have "sex". I did it. I thought what he did was normal. I thought I was disgusting.

If I cried, he'd put a pillow over my face.

If I talked or made any noise, he'd tell me to shut up and put a pillow over my face.

If I moved, he'd yell at me for ruining HIS experience.

If I said no, he'd ignore it.

If I fought him, he was bigger and stronger and it just made him get more violent. I couldn't stop him, and it made things worse for me.

If I got away, and locked myself in the bathroom, he'd wait until I came out... then masturbate and squirt at me. He blamed me for forcing him to do that. I believed him when he told me it was my fault. I believed him when he told me I was hurting him by trying to stop him from having "sex" with me.

If I threatened to leave, he'd threaten my family, especially my sister. She was twelve, and he called her crude names. I felt afraid of what he might do to her.

The last time I ever tried to fight him, he yelled at me for "making him do that". We both knew that he had just raped me. It was the only time that it looked like rape... like the kind they show in movies... like the kind that rarely happens, but when it does there is no doubt in anyone's mind. I apologized. I felt like a good wife would never fight. A good wife would not object. It was somehow MY fault that he had done that. It is completely true that if I had just laid there, and held my legs out of his way, he wouldn't have had to pry them apart. If I had done what he wanted, he never would have been violent.

I stood there, half-naked, and apologized to him for making him rape me. I still feel anger at myself for apologizing to him. I should have kicked him in the balls and told him to get the fuck out... and never come back... but I didn't. Instead, I tried harder to be what he said a wife was supposed to be.

From then on, I laid on my back and held my legs out of his way until he was finished.

He'd have "sex" with me in my sleep. I didn't mind that as much. At least I could be unconscious for some of it. (I didn't understand that if I wasn't awake to consent, that was rape, even if I was married to him.)

I once talked to him about the way he treated me. He told me that I was lucky he was so good to me. No one would be as kind and considerate as he was. EVERY man would act like him or maybe even worse. (I'm not sure what "worse" looked like in his head... but I know now, most men do not say or do the things that he did.)

When we got married, I was underweight. I had struggled with an eating disorder and had only been in recovery for a short time. I gained about fifteen pounds while we were married. He told me I was fat and unattractive. When I got busy and forgot to eat, he'd tell me how great I looked. When he informed me that he was having sex with other women, and I handled it by not eating for three days, he congratulated me. I knew enough about eating disorders and my body to know that what he was saying was FUCKED UP, but I didn't know how to get out of the marriage by then. I dismissed his comments as ignorant, but I don't think he was ignorant. He knew that starving could kill... but with his words, he showed he preferred a thin wife to an alive wife.

When we went to the bishop (because Larry said he was cheating... and we wanted help to save our marriage), the bishop only confirmed the bullshit that Larry had been saying. It was my responsibility to keep my husband happy. I worked two jobs, because Larry didn't work. The bishop told me that no matter what I did outside of the home, my only REAL responsibility was to keep my husband happy. Wink. Wink. Nudge. Nudge.

I tried harder to be who he needed me to be, but felt like I was dying.
I became suicidal. I envisioned driving over the edge of the cliff every day on my way to school. Every day I would tell myself, "not today, but if you still feel this way tomorrow, then you can." The next day I would repeat the same thing. I feel lucky to have lived through that time.

He went to Texas for a job interview. Something in me changed while he was gone. I was done trying to save a marriage that was hell. He didn't work. We didn't get along. He hated church. I hated the way he treated me. I didn't want him to come back. I told him I wanted a divorce. He told me I was screwed up, and I would regret that decision. He told me that I wasn't capable of making a good decision, because I didn't have "the spirit" with me.

Eventually he agreed with me. Divorce was the best option for both of us. We said good-bye. We divorced. We didn't talk again. When I got married again, I needed a letter from him to cancel our LDS sealing. He sent the letter willingly, and the sealing was cancelled. I was relieved that I would never have to write a letter for him... The sealing was cancelled, which meant if he wanted to get remarried, he could just go for it. No one would ask me about my experience of being married to him.

And now he wants to get married in the Catholic church, which means that I was asked to give my opinions. I didn't know what to say, but I feel like I couldn't say nothing. I gave you a few examples of things that happened while I was married to him, but even those barely touch on the horror that was my life with him, and the horror that I have gone through since then.

I have spent hundreds of hours in therapy, which cost tens of thousands of dollars. I've spent months without sleep. Years of feeling hopeless and suicidal. Years of feeling afraid that all men would treat me like him. Years of feeling like I didn't deserve any better than the rapist that he was. Years of hiding and pretending, because I didn't know how to talk about what he did. Years of believing that a wife is nothing but a plaything to her husband. Years of believing that I was worthless, damaged, crazy, disgusting, and all of the other words he used to manipulate and control me. Years of nightmares where I can feel him ripping me apart. Years of physically hurting, because of the damage he did when he forced his dick inside me. Years of confusion. Years of questioning. Buckets of tears. Seizures. Night terrors. Nightmares. The list goes on.

I am still dealing with the effects of PTSD... Post Traumatic Stress from the trauma of being raped by a man that was supposed to love and care for me. Post Traumatic Stress from the trauma of being used and abused. Post Traumatic Stress from all of the shit that man said and did...

And now, he's about to get married again. I don't know if he has changed or not. I don't know if he still believes that women are disgusting if they get turned on. I don't know if he still prefers to force himself on women than to have sex with them. I don't know if he still gets violent. I don't know if he still thinks that raping a woman IS sex with a woman. I don't know if he still blames women for his thoughts and actions. I don't know if he still believes it is a woman's job to lay there and hold her fucking legs out of his way while he goes at it. I don't know if he still believes that it is wife's job to "keep him happy", while completely ignoring that his wife is actually a person too. I don't know if he still uses and abuses others. I don't know if he still encourages women to starve themselves, so they will be attractive to him. I don't know anything about who he is today, but I figured since you sent me the letter... reminded me of those experiences... I would tell you about just a few of the things I experienced while being married to him. 


Sincerely,
Jen


(P.S. I could really REALLY use comments on this one. I feel vulnerable and icky, and any words you could share, would be nice.)

Stuff he said to me.

At Slut walk, I wanted to make a sign. I couldn't bring myself to do it.
I told myself I was past that. I have written about it on my blog, gone to therapy, talked about things with BJ and other friends. I'm done, and I'm just going to this event to help others...

I do want to help other people... and... right now, I have some work I need to do.
Slut walk made me aware of some of the beliefs that are still hanging on. I wanted to make a sign and walk with others, but I wasn't ready. I've been trying to think about how to find that piece of healing... what to do next...


Then I found THIS!!!!
The link above is to a photographer's awesome project. She takes pictures of victims of sexual abuse with a poster of something their abuser said to them.


The worst part about sexual abuse is all of the emotional abuse that comes with it. The way it fucks you over. The shit that you believe. The fight to replace all of that shit with something else... especially when the only world you have ever known has been shaped and filtered by abuse.

I want to do a poster for the website. Abusers say the most fucked up shit. It's the way they keep you quiet. It's the way they protect themselves from the consequences of their actions. It's the way they keep control, so they can keep abusing.

I don't know which quote I would put on a poster, but I'm thinking about the things that he said.
(WARNING! I'm about to list those things. I have no idea how they will affect others. They aren't nice and could be triggering.)

"It wouldn't hurt if you'd just relax."

"I wouldn't have to do this (violently forcing himself on me) if you wouldn't fight me."

"You don't know how lucky you are. No other guy would treat you as good as I do. No other guy would be as kind as I am to you - especially when it comes to sex."

"Women are so disgusting when they get turned on. That's why I hate foreplay. Better to just get in and get it done before they get all wet and gross."

"You are disgusting. It just makes me sick."

"I'm embarrassed by your fat ass. No one should ever have to look at that." (I didn't ask to be naked in front of him... I would have much preferred to keep my clothes on and him out of me.)

"Shut up woman. I'll be done in a second."

"I deserve more respect than this. You are my wife! How dare you make me do it this way!" (referring to "having" to force himself on me, because I wouldn't just lay there. I tried to fight him off. Stupid wife... thinking she has a right to say no every once in a while. MAKING her husband rape her violently... So I apologized to him for making him do that. I became the good wife that let him go at it any time without tears or complaints. It was better that way.)

Eventually, I tried to talk about it. Other people seemed to agree with Larry. A wife is nothing but her husband's property and sex-toy. To be used however and whenever he felt like it.

They said things like:
A woman withholding sex from her husband is just as bad as a man raping a woman.
How could he rape you? You were married.

I'd like to put those things on a poster too.

"Consent isn’t the absence of a “no;” consent is an unequivocal and enthusiastic YES."

Sometimes, I come across things that turn my whole world upside down... sometimes that's a good thing (eventually), but it is confusing and painful until it becomes a good thing.

For instance, a series of blogposts by Shannon Hale.
I wish there could have been someone who could have explained all of this to me fifteen years ago, and I wish that the person I was fifteen years ago could have understood.



The greatest contributor to rape culture

"When we don’t have conversations with kids about sex, we’re telling kids that it’s too bad, dirty, and wrong to even talk about. And when someone is raped, they feel bad, dirty, and wrong, and they think, yeah, that’s what I expected sex to be. And so sometimes, horrifyingly, they conclude that rape and sex must be the same thing."

Umm. Yeah. THIS. I totally thought that what Larry did was sex... It wasn't. But I didn't know any better. How could I? I'd never talked about it. I'd never experimented with my own feelings or my own body. I had NOTHING (except childhood sexual abuse) to relate to, and no one I felt like I could talk to... 

When it hurt, I thought that was normal.
When I felt used and abused, I thought the problem was ME.
When I felt angry, I thought I was selfish for not giving him what he needed.
Everything about sex was confusing... but that's because SEX NEVER HAPPENED. Not one fucking time. (Pun intended.)

"Consent isn’t the absence of a “no;” consent is an unequivocal and enthusiastic YES."

What an amazing, life-altering, mind-blowing idea. Sex means that both people want it, and if both people don't want it, it isn't sex... It's something else.

"Rape is not simply acting upon sexual urges. Rape is about dominance and power and violence and control. The intent of sex is mutual pleasure, and that's never the intent of rape. Let’s be totally clear. Those young men (Steubenville) chose, instead of having sex with a willing girl, to rape an unconscious girl. Who could not participate, could not experience pleasure, could not say yes or admire them or share an intimate moment. Those boys didn’t choose sex. They chose rape. And the experience of rape, for both the girl and the boy, is entirely different than the experience of sex. THEY ARE NOTHING ALIKE. RAPE AND SEX ARE NOT RELATED."

I once wrote a blog post where I talked about how my tears, my pleading for him to stop, my fighting him off as hard as I could (to no avail)... all of that should have been "no" enough. My "no" should have been no enough. But he didn't want someone who LIKED sex. He didn't want a consenting wife... he told me he liked it best when his woman wasn't turned on. He hated it when I fought him, but he also hated his woman participating.

Let's Talk about Consent

"Chuck says, “Consent must be unequivocal it does NOT need enthusiastic...If she implicitly and explicitly makes clear that she's willing to have sex it's not rape no matter how unenthusiastic she may be.” Chuck, this is not the legal definition of consent. It's an extremely wise definition that we'd all be better off to live by and the definition I believe we should be teaching to our children. Wouldn't you rather that your partner was enthusiastic? Why would you want to proceed if she/he wasn't?"

john doe asks, “What if the two parties disagree on what it was?...do you need to get consent in writing now?”
Yes, do that. If you have to ask, then yes, yes, yes. Sounds like you’re walking a line, and one that can be horrifically devastatingly life changing and even life ending for many a victim. If you’re not sure if she’s consenting, then ask her to sign a consent form, a napkin, your belly--whatever. And then her consent (or non-consent) will be perfectly clear. You’ll protect yourself as well as your partner. Do that. Please. 

Let’s err on the side of clarity, can we? When we have girls and women regularly taking their own lives to escape the horrors of a post-rape life, then clarity is the least we can offer."

"Are we worried that enthusiastic consent is too hard to get? Say a woman says, not tonight, honey. And he gets to kissing her neck and murmuring sweet things and she changes her mind and is all in. Great!
Or say a woman says, not tonight, honey, and he tries his usual moves and she’s not feeling it and still would really rather not. What happens next is very telling about how healthy their relationship is and what kind of a man he is. If she really doesn’t want to, and he doesn’t care because he does, then that’s abuse. That’s unhealthy. And if that sounds like your relationship, you both should get counseling."

 "Is the worry that if a guy wants to has sex and doesn’t hear a clear an enthusiastic yes but goes through it anyway, then she might call rape on him?
Well, 1st, depending on how it happened, it might very well be rape.
And, 2nd, if you’re okay having sex with someone who really doesn’t want to do that with you, then counseling is a good idea. Again, I mean that kindly and sincerely. Sometimes survivors of rape and abuse have a hard time enjoying sex again, and that’s something normal that a partner needs to know and respect, and counseling together is an excellent idea. But if that’s not the case and you just enjoy having sex with someone who isn’t enjoying it with you, then STOP IT AND GET HELP.
And, 3rd, if you’re choosing to sleep with someone who you’re worried might falsely call rape on you, then it’d be a good idea to choose not to sleep with them. Foregoing sex in this instance would be a wiser, better, happier choice for all."

I'd like to say more... but for now, I just feel... suddenly more aware of how fucked up life with him was... And that awareness, while probably good to have, HURTS.

The Exponent: Modesty

This is an old post on The Exponent, but I just read it. This is EXACTLY what I have tried to say, but never quite succeeded. The topic is modesty and the sexualization of women.

"The problem is much more radical—radical meaning a problem of roots. The underlying, root cause of the sexualization of today’s girls is the same underlying, root problem of their mother’s alleged promiscuity and inability to talk to their daughters about appropriate dress and sexual behavior.
...
And since I am Mormon and this is a feminist Mormon forum, I’m focusing on the Mormon aspect of this problem: that our culture of hypermodesty contributes to the sexualization of young girls as much as a culture of absent modesty does.
It’s very easy to fixate on the extreme of young girls and young women getting all dolled up like little prostitutes and then to scream foul at irresponsible parents and the terrible media and the evil feminists, but our own emphasis on the externalities of modesty sends the same message: females are first and foremost sexual beings, meant to attract the sexual interest of men in order to reproduce, which is, after all, the divinely sanctioned role for women (if you believe the contemporary Mormon church, anyway). Both extremes (the extreme cover up and the extreme exposure) reduce girls to their bodies—their sexual bodies and the capacity of those bodies to attract the male gaze and set off a process that ultimately leads to sex and reproduction. The fact that the Mormon version ends up with sex and reproduction within marriage does not change the fact that that is how we define women. And the fact that we think sex and reproduction within marriage is a Good does not change that defining women in such a limited fashion is Not Good.
...
The Mormon emphasis on external, clothing-oriented modesty is just another form of sexualization. We attempt to negate the sexualization of young girls’ and women’s bodies by covering them up and locking them behind the door called Chastity. But when the female body is taboo because of its inherent sexuality (a sexuality so powerful that a woman literally turns herself into pornography for some men by dressing immodestly, according to that canard advanced by Dallin Oaks), and when women are celebrated almost exclusively because of their potential as breeders and nurturers of children, then we successfully sexualize the female body every bit as much as pushing heels, padded bras, plunging necklines, and miniskirts for pre-teens does. The invisibility of the female body, or of the attributes of the female body that stand for Sex, does not mean we have refused to grant the female body a sexualized status."

(Emphasis mine. I had a hard time picking what quotes I wanted to highlight, so I copied a lot, but there's still a lot more good stuff.. Go read the whole thing at the Exponent.)

I'm not against teaching girls to love and respect their bodies. In fact, PLEASE teach that... Just understand that by telling a woman it is respectful to HIDE her body, or that she is responsible for men's thoughts about her, or that if she wears a tanktop she is "asking for it" does NOT teach love and respect. I learned to hate my body: the teachings on modesty combined with my life experience created a deep hatred for everything about my body. I tried to hide it, shrink it to nothingness, kill it, avoid it, until one day... I just had to do it differently.

I liked Amelia's final proposal:

"I have a radical proposal: the church and Mormon parents should teach girls that they have value without connecting that value to the sexiness of their bodies, their attractiveness to men, their capacity to make babies.
...
I guarantee that if we prepare our daughters to be successful, well-rounded individuals rather than spending so much effort to prepare them to fill a preconceived concept of “wife and mother,” then we’ll have a sure way to get away from both ends—extreme cover up and extreme exposure—of the sexualization spectrum. When we do so, we will see women and girls as human beings with enormous worth and potential, with wonderful things to offer the world."

Do you know who think all men are rapists? Rapists do.

(Warning: If you couldn't already tell by the title, this post could be very triggering. I'm not censoring it. Stop reading now if you think you can't handle it. And if you think you can, but it triggers you, get help?? Talk to a therapist. Call a friend. Leave a comment here. Just take care of you. Thanks!)



A few days ago, a friend of mine posted this. Very well said.
It also got me thinking.
Especially after looking at all the pictures of myself as a nineteen year old...

I was married to a man who honestly believed he was kind and loving and good to me. He completely believed it when he told me, "No man will treat you as good as I treat you." and, "No one will be able to love you like I love you." and even, "No one will be as kind to you with sex as I am. You sure are lucky you have me and not someone else."

These things from the man that was violent during "sex" on day one. I spent my wedding night sobbing in the bathroom while he ranted and raved about how stupid and selfish I was:

"A man NEEDED sex, and I was his WIFE."

And when I came back to bed, because I didn't have anywhere else to go, he did it again.
These things from the man that also buried my face with a pillow during "sex". These things from a man who told me it was my fault he had to get violent, if I would just give him what he wanted, he wouldn't have to take it. These things from a man who threatened my (then twelve year old) sister because I was crying. These things from a man that also made disparaging remarks about my body. My body was fat, unattractive, vile, and disgusting to him. He was embarrassed for me to be seen in public in a bathing suit. (Might I add, I have never EVER been fat. I've struggled to keep my weight up, not the other way around.) He'd say these things before, during, and after forcing himself on and in me. These things from a man that if I didn't just lay there and let him do what he wanted, he became violent: He got sex when he wanted it and never even ASKED what I wanted, or if I wanted. Not once were my desires, wants, or preferences EVER taken into account. It was always about him. I was nothing abut a possession to gratify him... And he thought I was lucky to have someone as kind as him.

Abusers are known for saying things like what Larry said to me. I used to think they said those things as a means to control... but after reading this blog post and observing other abusers... They don't say those things to control - they honestly believe they are normal. They fully and completely believe that anyone in their situation would do what they are doing. They really do believe they are kind and wonderful and their spouse is lucky to have them. Unfortunately, I believed Larry, so when he said those things he DID control me. I believed I would never find anyone better, so I never left, and I kept right on letting him rape me. Every night. Sometimes more than once a night. For two years.

A quote from "To all those men" 

"A lot of people accuse feminists of thinking that all men are rapists. That’s not true. But do you know who think all men are rapists?

Rapists do. 

They really do. In psychological study, the profiling, the studies, it comes out again and again. Virtually all rapists genuinely believe that all men rape."

Rapists believe that all men rape. Only, they don't even think about it that much. They don't see what they are doing is rape. It is the same with all forms of abuse. Abusers believe that anyone in their situation would do what they are doing. They really, truly, honestly think that everyone else thinks and acts the way they do. Some just hide it better. They think hitting their spouse is completely justified. They believe hateful speech is okay, because (fill in the blank here. Some way to blame the other person. Or to justify what they do.) Some even believe they are being helpful.

Prairienymph wrote a blogpost a while ago:  Rapists are not Monsters. Believing that only monsters are rapists, or that you can tell who is a rapist because they are "bad people" just isn't true. I married one. I know. I loved him. He treated most people with kindness; he was incredibly charismatic; everyone else loved him too.

I have long wondered why it couldn’t be like in the movies: Bad guys are ALL bad, and good guys are ALL good. The world would be far less confusing, but it isn't that way.  By trying to classify abusers as "bad" and victims as "good", everyone gets hurt. I knew Larry was not a bad guy, so obviously, he wasn't abusing me. (WRONG!) I knew I wasn't good or perfect, so obviously, I had no room to complain. (WRONG AGAIN!)

There's a lot of emotion inside me as I write this, and I wish I was calmer so I could say it better...
Very few people set out to completely destroy the people they love, AND sometimes, in their fear, jealousy, ignorance, self-righteousness, self-centeredness, or whatever else is going on inside their heads, they still do. And most, keep right on thinking they are "normal", which means they keep on doing and saying things that really hurt the people they "love".


To most people who would rape another person, talking about it will do NO good. They believe everyone is like them, so even if you speak out against rape and abuse, they won't believe you. Deep down they know what you are REALLY thinking, REALLY feeling... and that is one of the things that make rape possible. They convince themselves that they know what the woman really wants, really needs, so even if she is crying and screaming and trying to get away, they won't even notice. They will just keep right on going, and never even see that there is a person in front of them in a lot of pain.

Larry thought he was doing me a favor. Larry thought all men would treat me like he did or worse. Larry thought I would be miserable without him. He was wrong. OH SO VERY WRONG. I am so grateful for that. SO SO SO grateful. I'm so glad that I found the courage to get out (still don't know how I was able to do that), and discover that he didn't know what he thought he knew.

Asexual Awareness Week

I'm not tied to the label asexual. However, I am very much tied to the idea that every single one of us has the right to define who we are, who we want to be, how we want each of our relationships to look like. I don't believe I have the right to tell another adult how to live their lives, and I also believe no one else has the right to tell me how to live my life.

I haven't found another label that fits better than asexual as a sexual orientation.
Sexual Orientation isn't about what you do, it's about what you want. Gay men get married to women and have sex, but that doesn't change their orientation... ummm... unless it does... unless they start WANTING to have sex with women. I don't know if that ever happens. It probably does... to some... whatever.

Last week was Asexual Awareness Week. I didn't know. If I had, I would have written about it last week. I just read this blog post today, and it made me cry. It felt so validating. I felt understood. Not alone.

Asexual does NOT equal broken. It doesn't mean I'm disordered, crazy, or that I need to "fix" anything about myself. It means I don't want to have sex. And the only reason me not wanting to have sex is a problem is if someone else wants me to have sex with them... and if someone else wants me to have sex EVEN WHEN I DON'T, that's a problem. (ok... they can want it all day long... it's when they expect me to do something about their wanting it that would be a problem.)

I really appreciated this quote:

“It’s long past time to redefine intimacy,” Brooks argues. “The word ‘intimacy’ conjures up a candle-lit room and a steamy sex scene, but I believe this definition limits greatly our intimate capacity as humans. In fact, I reject entirely the idea that intimacy should be synonymous with sex. Intimacy is tied to a much deeper set of emotions that guide every part of our lives. Intimacy feeds our humanity by connecting us with the people around us. It is the foundation for empathy, compassion, and love. Sex is one way of expressing intimacy — but intimacy should not be summed up as sex and sexual acts.”

Anyway, just check it out?? You might learn something you never knew you wanted to know.

The Law of Chasity

I just left my parents house. Apparently the lesson this week was the Law of Chasity. Everyone talked about it a little. My dad was telling stories from the lesson. I wanted to run away and hide.

Now that I'm home - I can think a little more clearly, and this is what I wish I would have said:
When you talk about chastity and sex like this, I feel dirty. I feel like I'm disgusting. I want to hide, because I am worthless. Like a crushed flower or a piece of chewed gum. My body hurts. My chest feels tight. I want to scream or cry.

Do you realize what it's like to hear about the importance of no sex when I had "sex" when I was only five? My body responded the way the body is supposed to respond to sex. I blamed me. I felt gross and disgusting, and combine that with all of the teachings on chastity, and I just feel intense hatred for myself and my body.

I understand that my experience isn't everyone's, and it is still my experience.

I didn't say anything. I sat there and withdrew into the back of my head. Now, I'm sad, suffering a bit. Feeling broken. I never even understood what they were saying or talking about in church. I didn't get it. I was weird and broken. When others spoke of sex, I knew only abuse.

I'm not sure what else to do now other than to curl up in a blanket and cry.
That is what I will be doing now.

Sexuality isn't about Sex

I belong to a group on facebook of mostly ex-Mormons. It has been the most amazing, loving, supporting group. They have ALL helped me tons! Angie wrote about the group here. This morning someone posted these questions. I shared them on the board, but I'd like to share them here too.

-Have you changed opinions regarding sexual practices or activity such as pornography or masturbation, or simply become more open about your previous lifestyle?
I always believed that pornography was not the problem. Back then, I believed it was a symptom of a larger problem. I still believe that is true... But my definition of porn has changed. It used to be anything sexual at all was considered pornographic... Now, porn is only the violent degradation of women: Depicting them as objects rather than as people. I don't demonize anyone who looks or participates... I just wonder how it affects women and men who forget that other people have emotions and feelings. With Larry, I FELT like I was just an object to be used when he wanted to get off, and ignored otherwise. Anything that feels like that is harmful.

I started cutting when I was only 7... to stop myself from masturbating. It took me 23 years to see the connection of why I started hurting myself. When I was going through therapy to heal from sexual abuse, ALL of the books talk about learning to "please yourself" first. Several therapists suggested it as a way to deal with flashbacks and pain of body memories. Between the guilt and the fear that had been there since I was a kid, and the belief that it was wrong... I could not.

Now I see nothing wrong with a person masturbating. If it is compulsive, interferes with life, or there is a lot of guilt and shame attached to it, there is a problem. It seems to me like a natural release. (And guilt and fear still tell me "I could never!" I still have a hard time touching my own arms, because of the pleasure I feel. I'm working on it...)

-Are there 'things' you have done since departure that you would never have done while an active member?
I live with a man who is not my husband... Not sexually involved, but the guilt of "appearing evil" would have kept me from having a friendship with a man... I was taught that nothing should come before my husband and my marriage. In order to keep that marriage alive, I had to eliminate all friendships, wants, desires, hobbies, hopes, dreams, etc... In my mind, my ability to see me as a person, an individual, a woman with her own wants, is ALL part of my developing sexuality.

-Are you more liberal in your views of homosexuality and bisexuality than you were previously or simply more open?
I am both more liberal and more open. Prop 8 was a big deal for me. I didn't like it, but I felt like if I just prayed harder, I could understand... When prop 8 was overturned, and I felt like that was a good thing, it was a sign to me that I had really moved on from the church.

-Big one, what are your previous and current views on monogamy?
I don't believe in marriage, but I think I do believe in a monogamous sexual relationship. I believe I need to have the freedom to come and go in a relationship... as long as it is healthy and beneficial for me, I will stay. As long as it is not, I won't. And I want anyone I care about to have the same freedom.
I believe that the instant I put my happiness in someone else's hands, I will die. I will trust only me with my happiness.
When I do decide to add sex to a relationship, if that ever happens, I want it to be something talked about often... and just because we have sex doesn't mean that then we are tied together forever... same freedoms apply. I will NOT be someone else's property. Ever.
I have LONG believed sex is what a "strong" person does TO a "weak" person. That is one of the reasons I have had no interest. I haven't wanted to hurt someone else, like I have been hurt. (And I hated the being hurt side too.)

This is something I am still working out in my head.

-Finally, what bad decisions and good decisions regarding sexuality in any form have you made since departure?
I haven't really made any decisions, so there haven't been any to BE good or bad.

As I read back over my answers, I realize the most powerful thing (for me) I said was, "My ability to see me as a person, an individual, a woman with her own wants, is ALL part of my developing sexuality"

I remember a conversation with Jen... I asked her how she "knew" she was lesbian. I shared that I am terrified of men, but I don't feel attraction to women. Her words were amazing, and I still think about them often.

She talked about learning to love herself. Then learning to love everyone else. And then she could wake up to the love that had been a secret inside her. She pointed out that she loves men, she just doesn't want to have sex with them. At the time, I was so anxious to figure out my own sexuality... I needed to KNOW, so I could give myself the right label and "move on."

Her words inspired my post on being asexual. I don't have to have sex with anyone. I just get to be me... whatever that looks like, whoever that is.

As I've relaxed, and not needed to KNOW... I have found amazing peace. I am learning to love myself. Find my wants. Needs. Desires. Hopes. Dreams. See myself as an individual. As a woman. It feels good.

...and this is why I shouldn't be married...

This article was posted by a friend on facebook. I want to share it, because I think she's right on. I want to share it, because as a woman who "needed" men, and was used by those men, I want something different for everyone else.

Single, Female, Mormon, Alone

The time is drawing closer to finalizing the divorce. (I don't know when it will happen... just waiting for the word from the judge.) As it grows closer, I find myself having many, MANY emotions. Sadness. Anxiety. Anger. Sadness again. I might write about those later, but for now, I am going to write about what is most frustrating and frightening.

Although I have not lived as a married woman for almost three years, still I've been married. Marriage was the goal. I'm just a woman. I NEED a man. Priesthood. Provider. Someone to call my name when I die, so I won't be left behind. Eternal Salvation. Highest degree of glory. I am nothing as a single woman.

There is the argument that a woman that doesn't have the chance to marry in this life will have a chance in the next life. But I had the chance, and I threw it away. What will happen to me now?

Marriage is the goal.
That means that when the divorce is finalized, I have to DO something about that. I should date. I should try to find someone to take me back to the temple. (Which, by the way, I DON'T want to do!!) Find someone to complete me.

Maybe I should declare myself a lesbian. Maybe that would be better. Then everyone would be okay with the idea that I would never marry. Hell. Its the recommendation from the prophets. Yet...even then, its been so ingrained in me that I am supposed to have a family, I would feel pressure to find a lesbian partner. And I don't want to do that either.

Dann's excited to get to move on with his life. And I recognize that is what is most fair to him. To ME, I am scared to death.

Who am I if I am not Dann's wife? Who am I if I am not SOMEONE's wife?

I think I'll face these fears, and try just being Jen for a while.

I hate labels, but how else do I explain it?

I've been spending a lot of time on MoHo blogs (Mormon Homosexuals). That is where I feel most at home. I identify with them more than any other blogs, but its not because of my sexuality per se. Here is my effort to define myself.

As a girl, I had no interest in boys. My friends all had crushes and boys they thought were cute. I didn't. Just not interested. As a teenager, I was terrified of boys. I knew I was supposed to be dating, after all I was sixteen and that's what sixteen year old girls do, but I had no interest. I had the opposite of interest, I wanted to run the other way.

I went to college, and there were lots of boys interested in me. I knew the next step in my life was to get married. I did that. He didn't treat me very well. I had no idea that there was anything better...

We divorced. I went on several dates and had a lot of guy friends, until I met Dann. We got serious really fast, and then dated for a long time before we got married.

For two years, we went camping, and slept in the same tent just the two of us. We went on vacations and stayed in the same hotel, and sometimes slept in the same bed. I stayed at his house overnight on more than one occasion. And we never had any "morality problems". Really. The worst thing we ever did while dating was he kissed me while I was laying down. I freaked out. I went to the bishop and confessed my sins. He told me to be careful. I didn't want to do anything I would regret.

Because I was raised a good Mormon girl, I honestly believed that the fact that Dann and I were never tempted by sex to be a good thing. Funny how I thought it would change once we got married. It didn't. I tried. For his sake, I tried.

He really wanted kids, and I thought I wanted them too. I was willing to lay there while he planted his seed, but once I actually got pregnant, I realized I did NOT want that. I still wanted to be willing and I still wanted to try for him, but I wasn't and I didn't.

Fast forward a few years. Dann still wanted sex and babies. I was still trying to figure out how to want that too. I'd talk about how I needed to learn to like it, or just force myself to do it anyways. I knew deep down it would never be anything but a chore for me. I tried, but really... I couldn't make myself like sex any more than I can make myself like liver and onions.(Who eats that anyways?)


Dann and I are divorcing. Sex and babies were really what finally pushed us over the edge. He wanted it. He kept expecting me to change. I kept expecting me to change. Only, I didn't know how to change that.

Am I lesbian? I don't know. I can't really picture being with a woman any more than I can picture being with a man. The idea of sex just makes me nauseous. I have no desire to marry, or create children.

So, if I'm not straight, and I'm not gay, what am I?
Asexual.
I've never met anyone else like me. The closest I have come is people in the MoHo world.

When I read MoHo blogs, I can understand their pain of not fitting in. I can relate to the pain of trying to change something that seems impossible to change. I have prayed and prayed to "not be so selfish", only to continue to just be me. I feel like my parents can relate to the struggle of having a gay child. I will never have the life my parents wanted for me.


Right now, I feel at peace with myself and my sexuality (or lack of it?). I want intimacy in my life, but I don't need physical intimacy. I want friends. I don't want to be tied to one person. I don't want anyone to ever own my body but me. Could all this change as I continue to heal? Yes, but I'm not counting on it. I have freed Dann to find someone who will give him what he wants, which has freed both of us up to be friends. Without the pressures of trying to be his wife, I really like him.


I was raised to believe that sex was bad until it was good. I was raised to believe that my spirit was female, and that I was destined to be a wife and mother for all eternity. When I didn't fit into that world, it was just one more thing that was wrong with me. But the truth is, there is nothing wrong with me.


I am a beautiful, strong, compassionate woman, and I don't need to change a thing.