Friday, January 7, 2011

...and this is why I shouldn't be married...

This article was posted by a friend on facebook. I want to share it, because I think she's right on. I want to share it, because as a woman who "needed" men, and was used by those men, I want something different for everyone else.

Single, Female, Mormon, Alone

The time is drawing closer to finalizing the divorce. (I don't know when it will happen... just waiting for the word from the judge.) As it grows closer, I find myself having many, MANY emotions. Sadness. Anxiety. Anger. Sadness again. I might write about those later, but for now, I am going to write about what is most frustrating and frightening.

Although I have not lived as a married woman for almost three years, still I've been married. Marriage was the goal. I'm just a woman. I NEED a man. Priesthood. Provider. Someone to call my name when I die, so I won't be left behind. Eternal Salvation. Highest degree of glory. I am nothing as a single woman.

There is the argument that a woman that doesn't have the chance to marry in this life will have a chance in the next life. But I had the chance, and I threw it away. What will happen to me now?

Marriage is the goal.

That means that when the divorce is finalized, I have to DO something about that. I should date. I should try to find someone to take me back to the temple. (Which, by the way, I DON'T want to do!!) Find someone to complete me.

Maybe I should declare myself a lesbian. Maybe that would be better. Then everyone would be okay with the idea that I would never marry. Hell. Its the recommendation from the prophets. Yet...even then, its been so ingrained in me that I am supposed to have a family, I would feel pressure to find a lesbian partner. And I don't want to do that either.

Dann's excited to get to move on with his life. And I recognize that is what is most fair to him. To ME, I am scared to death.

Who am I if I am not Dann's wife? Who am I if I am not SOMEONE's wife?

I think I'll face these fears, and try just being Jen for a while.


  1. A very good idea. You're you, regardless of your marital or relationship status.

    This is probably something I'll have to be wary of in the future. I don't want my husband or my marriage to define who I am. It's already happening; instead of asking me how I am, people ask how married life is. *sigh*

  2. One of the things that impressed me about Robyn before we were married was that she knew who she was and she didn't need a man.

    I think we are both happier because we figured ourselves out first and then chose to be married because we felt that would make life even better.

    I like the idea of you being you. If someone comes along that makes you happier, then move forward with that person. If not, be happy with your life, it's yours and you get to choose how you live it.

    I know what it's like to feel the pressure to get married. I was single for a long time and had plenty of people that felt it was important to explain how wrong I was to not be married. There were girls that I'm sure would have married me if I wanted to be married sooner. But every time I think about that I'm so glad that I didn't give in to the constant pressure from everyone around me, marrying to satisfy society's need for you to fit in is ultra lame. I'm so glad I waited until I found Robyn and married because I wanted to and not because everyone made a point to let me know I was broken.

    If you choose to get married again, do it because it's what you choose to do and because you will be happier. If you don't want to, then enjoy being single. If anyone tells you you need to get married you can tell them I said to pound sand.

  3. "I am nothing as a single woman."

    So very sad. And yet I look over the lessons my DW teaches each week in YW's and I know that this is what my four daughters are being taught.

    I hope I am not too late in their lives, to change this perception for them.

  4. Carla - I've been guilty of forgetting that a married couple still has two individuals. I still do that.

    Jeff - Thanks. "Jeff says to pound sand."

    lifelong - I went back and read the YW lessons last year. Trying to see if I only thought that's what they said every week. No. Its talked about, planned for, and pushed in every lesson.
    Jeff's right that people would make better married couples if they figured out who they were first. I got married (the first time) at 19. I was WAY too young, but that was just the next step... the only way to progress in this life...
    I hope you can teach your girls that they are perfect and beautiful and they don't need a man to complete them.